Post-Crosby

I have TWO children.  Isn't that crazy?

It might not be to you, but it is to me.

The thing is, I've been thinking about writing this blog for a bit, but I don't want to jinx it...because things are really good, and the transition has been (ssshhhh!) fairly easy.

Before I had Crosby everyone would tell me all the time how difficult it was to go from one child to two children.  They would also tell me how it gets easier from 2-3 and 3-4.  Now, I don't want to jinx anything, but it totally hasn't been a difficult transition, or at least it hasn't been difficult in the way I thought it was going to be.

For example, right now Finn is watching an episode of Mickey Mouse, after spending the morning playing with his cousin Addy.  Crosby is sleeping in his swing.  I am sitting here working on the first month of Crosby's baby book and writing this blog.

Don't get me wrong...recovering from the c-section has been (really) difficult, the nasty disgusting spinal headaches and the blood patch were (literally) one of the most horrifying things I've ever experienced.  However, once that was over...life has been so much easier than it was when we brought Finn home.  Crosby has been an AMAZING nurser, and a better sleeper than Finn was.  But it's more than that...I am just so much more comfortable being a mother.  I feel like I know something about what I'm doing.  I'm not second guessing each and every decision I make.  I am not crying about nursing, or how much it hurts, or whether or not I am doing it wrong every second of every day.

And, I can't help but wonder if it's because of me, or if Crosby just fits so perfectly into our little family.

It's like he was meant to be here.  I know he was, don't get me wrong, but I just didn't expect him to fit so perfectly.  It's like he was never NOT here, and it makes me so happy to know that that's how Finn will remember it.  Finn will never know a time without Crosby (though I will cherish those two years where he was my one and only baby), and Crosby will never know a time without Finn.  There is something amazing about that.

So, I guess what I am rambling on and on about is that...life is good.  Crosby is such a good little baby, so sweet, quiet and content.  Finn is such a good big brother.  This was another surprise...not that he is a good big brother, but that he is so conscientious of being quiet and gentle around the baby.  He has not once been resentful, or mad at Crosby.  He's been mad at me, but never ever at Crosby.

It just fits.  It feels right.

Finn and life.

So, the last few days have had their ups and downs.  Randy has been working crazy-long hours, and with those hours exhaustion tends to tag along for the ride.  So, when he comes home he is crabby, and he doesn't always remember to say simple things like "how was your day?" or "what did YOU do today?"

That's hard for me, I am used to giving Randy a detailed run-down of the day. But, a lot of days in the last few weeks, Randy gets home and I'm either in bed, or putting Finn to bed, so that makes the talking difficult.

And...ya know, I'm pregnant too.  So I've got all that stuff going on too...tired, listless, headaches, body aches, crappy attitude, backaches, etc.


And, Finn, oh Finn.  I love that kid so, but he is INTENSE from time to time.  He inherited a little OCD from his Mama, so he likes his clothes on just so, and his milk in a specific cup, and a certain color spoon, and things that I almost always find adorable, have been driving me a little bit insane.  And the destruction has reached an all-time high.  I've never met a child who loves to destroy like Finn loves to destroy.  He builds towers to knock them down; he makes things to rip them up.

I try my best, I really do to be patient, and accept who he is, and not dampen his spirit, but sometimes he is just downright naughty, and days are too long, and too lonely.

Yesterday was one of those days.  We were at Jorie's house until 6, and had some cleaning to do at home, and each and every thing I tried to clean up, Finn wanted to take out and destroy some more.  And finally, it was bedtime.  We fought about brushing teeth, we fought about putting jammies on, we fought about going potty.

Eventually we fell into bed (okay, he jumped, I fell).  And all I wanted was to read a book and go to sleep.  And so we read, and Finn nestled into me.  I turned around so I was facing away from him.

And then I heard his little, sweet voice.  He said, "Mama, I want to hold you hand."  And I turned around, and he snuggled into me, just melted into my body, held my hand and then fell asleep.

And I couldn't believe that I had been frustrated and on the verge of tears ten minutes earlier. I couldn't believe that I made it into such a big deal (which I still totally think was justified).  I was just so damn happy to be with that little boy at that moment.

Because it's fleeting.

Tomorrow he may wake up and not want to snuggle me while he sleeps, and while I know a big part of me would celebrate and throw a giant party, there is still another big part of me that would mourn it.  That will miss him wanting me to comfort him, and knowing how safe he is with me.

It was a good moment, and I'm trying hard to hold onto it.

This song is for you...

Okay, so...maybe some of you don't know this about me.  I really love movies, and I really love awards shows.  So does my dad.  When I was younger, we used to have sheets where we used to bet on who would win, and we'd sit and talk about who wore what, and who said what, and what speeches we loved.

With that being said, I love watching the Golden Globes and the Oscars.  Last night, the Golden Globes were on, and I broke my "no television" rule and turned it on while Finn was awake.  I watched part of it, and then fell asleep with Finn.  This morning, I practically ran to the computer to catch the "best dressed" lists, who won, the snubs, the surprised, and the clips.

So far, my favorite thing I've seen is Jodie Foster's acceptance speech for her lifetime achievement award.  Now, I love that she officially "came out" and felt comfortable and that's great.

However, she said something that  resonated even more...she said to her two sons (which becomes more and more real to me every day, that I will (probably) have two sons soon) the following:

"Our amazing sons, Charlie and Kit, who are my reason to breathe and to evolve, my blood and soul. And boys, in case you didn’t know it, this song, all of this, this song is for you.”

I thought it was amazingly poignant.  And I don't know any mothers that don't feel this way about their children, once they are born life completely changes and revolves around them.  It's all for them, every breath, every step...everything.  

Randy and I spent our 4th anniversary at the Field Museum, having the time of our lives watching Finn have so much fun with his cousins, and seeing the "real" dinosaurs.  

In my head, this was much more articulate, and beautiful, and moving.  But, I just wanted to write it down.  Someday, I will write about this quote in an email to Finn's email address, and baby #2's email, and maybe even (down the road) baby #3 or #4's email.  

Because...Finn and no-name baby...you are my reason for living, and "all of this...is for you."

Still around

Hi!  I am still around.  I had a good friend tell me that they missed my blog, and it made me feel really happy.  Like, REALLY happy.

I have been doing so great lately, having fun, being happy.  That sometimes I just feel like I'm boring the world, and I don't "need" this space, like I felt like I "needed" it last year during some dark times.

But, it makes me happy to keep people updated, especially if they care...so here goes.

A few random updates.

1.  I am PREGNANT!  And so excited!  We are 14 weeks along right now, and so far, things are going well.  I have felt a lot more tired, a lot more sick this time around (in fact, I actually lost a pound at my last doctor's appointment, because eating is so annoying right now), but overall doing really well.  We can't wait to officially find out what this little one is in a few weeks, but we are feeling very boy-ish.  Mostly because at our first-trimester screening, the ultrasound tech told us that she thought it was a boy :)

2.  Christmas was amazing.  I can't even explain how much fun it was.

3.  Work and life are...just good.  Seriously, I mean I am tired a lot of the time, but overall, I am exponentially so much happier.  It's truly ridiculous.

4.  Finn is going to be two years old...in like 2 weeks.  Isn't that crazy?  And wonderful?  And scary?  And 50,000 other things?  Yes, yes it is.  I am in the throes of party-planning, and trying not to go WAY too overboard (like I did...maybe just a little bit...last year).  Simple, fun and still classy is what we're going for...."dino-chic" lol.

5.  I just finished our "Hoyle 2012 yearbook" and one of my favorite things that I put in it was a list of the 13 coolest things about Finn this month.  They are technically from December 2012...but they are totally still relevant, I could even add more if I wanted to...like the fact that Finn said "Get it together soup" to his soup while he was eating dinner tonight.  The kid is just awesome.

The top thirteen coolest things about Finn Harper Hoyle this month

1.  Finn is absolutely obsessed with dinosaurs.  He can identify T-rex, stegosaurus, pterodactyl, triceratops and various other dinosaurs.  He also knows that a t-rex has "sharp teeth" and "sharp eyes" and that it eats "meat" and that makes it a "carnivore".  He also thinks that it also eats "milk" which is hilariously awesome.  

2.  When he sees pictures of baby animals he says "so cute" in a high-pitched voice and gets so excited about it.  

3.  When Mommy or Daddy asks for "smoochie-poos" he gives them and says "moochie-poo."

4. When he is upset, or thinks Mommy is upset, he strokes her cheek and says "I know, I know" (pronounced "ee know ee know").  It is the cutest thing in the world.  

5.  He is literally the smartest child we know.  He knows all of his colors, counts to 10, knows various shapes and letters.  He also speaks in complete, articulate sentences.  Everyone thinks he is so smart, but Mommy and Daddy more than anyone else.  

6.  When Finn is excited about something, he clenches his fists and says "I so excited!" in a high-pitched voice.  

7.  Goes potty all by himself all the time, every single time.  

8.  Has perfected "please" and "thank you" and Mommy and Daddy don't usually have to tell him to say it.  

9.  Says "I love you Daddy" and "I love you Mommy" when the mood strikes, and responds when we tell him we love him.  He also says "Oh, good morning Mommy, good morning Daddy"in the sweetest voice you've ever heard. 

10.  His current favorite book is A Fly went by, and he knows a lot of the words, and says them with whoever is reading it to him.  

11.  Loves his family, whenever we ask him where he wants to go he will say "Papa Gma's" or "See Babanoosh & Grandpa" or "See Ava and Grant or Nay-Nay" or see "Baby Clark, Aunt Betty, Uncle Mike" or "See Ashley and Manu" or "Go see Courtney and Eli."  We love that he loves his family so much.  

12.  He can identify all the various types of cars (Big truck, dumper truck, digger, bulldozer, ambulance, fire truck, train, caboose, freight car, and so many more).  

13.  He is so excited to be a big brother!  Right now he thinks he's having a baby brother, but earlier he thought it was a baby sister.