A few things have happened in the last few days that have made me seriously question myself. I am going to be pretty blatantly honest in this post, so...there's that.
First, my cell phone broke and I was without a phone for almost 24 hours. This was anxiety-inducing in a somewhat embarrassing way. It shouldn't be that awful for me to live my life without a phone for one day, but it was.
Second, yesterday Finn cried when he left my parents house. I know that the rational part of my brain should be happy about this. I should be glad that he loves my parents house so much, and I really am. The kid practically jumps out of my arms to go to my mom every time we go there. He starts yelling "PAPA PAPA PAPA!" when we are a half-mile away. The irrational, sappy part of me thought that I had more time with him wanting me and only me. Finn has never shook his head "no" when I held out my arms to him, or cried when he came to me...until yesterday.
Randy and I went to movie, and afterwards we picked him up and he cried and cried when I took him out of my mom and dad's house. It was really sad to me in a selfish/irrational "you're mine" kind of way. But it was also sad to me in a "Wow, kid, you're more grown-up than I realize" kind of way.
Then, today I read this blog http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/
It's about being connected too much, and always having your phone with you, etc. etc. Now, some of the things in this article I don't do and I have never done. But others, I HAVE done, and I do them often, and it embarrassed me.
I put this together with the first two things, and it really made me think. Am I missing Finn's childhood? Am I not paying enough attention? Am I on this blog, facebook, instagram, etc. documenting his life rather than sitting with him and LIVING his life?
What am I doing?
So, after thinking about this for a while, I made a decision that I hope to follow. I am signing out of all social networking for a while. My actual long-term goal is to sign out completely until August. However, being as addicted as I am, my short term goal is a week. If I make it a week, I can reevaluate from there.
Now, I have to be on facebook for the photography company every once in a while, so here are my rules.
- Remove facebook, twitter, instagram and pinterest from my phone.
- Do not blog, update statuses, tweet etc. at all.
- Do not POST any pictures of ANYTHING I do. (I am a photographer, I can't stop taking pictures, sorry)
- Do not check facebook, blogs, pinterest, twitter, etc. while I am in the car/with Finn in any way.
- Do not check them at all unless it is for business purposes.
I am tired of being "checked in" so much. I am tired of reading people's posts and wondering "is that about me?" or being offended by someone's political leanings, etc. I need to relax, I need to let it go. I need to experience life with my son.
I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I am so full of self-loathing. I feel like I'm not good enough in so many different and distinct ways. My weight (probably the worst of my self-loathing comes from this), my looks, my mothering, my working out, my marriage, my home, my business...and I need to find some way to streamline, and to make myself see the beauty around me.
It is there. I know it is, because I just snuggled my son to sleep, and I thought to myself "how is it possible to love someone so much?" I just get angry with myself for not being better for him, for not being good enough, and I need to change that in a lot of ways. (I realize that giving myself a fucking break is one of those ways).
So, I'm taking a break from making myself feel bad. I'm going to try to eat well (no craziness, just eat well), work out, feel good about myself, and love my son and cherish every second I have with him.
I am officially starting on July 5th, but my guess is that it might be a bit sooner.
I will be back (at least to this blog) to report. I can't be sure about facebook, twitter or instagram. I have a problem.
