23 days and counting.

Yep, that's right. 23 more school days, and I am telling you I cannot wait. I.CANNOT. WAIT! I am in such a crappy mood, like the type of mood where everything that every person I know says makes me want to jump off a bridge. It just sucks. It could be (in part) due to the fact that Finn let me sleep for a bit over 3 hours last night to make up for my night away. Yesterday, after 36 hours straight with students we stopped at Dairy Queen before finishing the last hour of our trip. I was joking around with one of my students, and we were talking about the show Glee. Student: "I'll log you into my Amazon account tomorrow during fourth hour and you can watch Glee" Me: "Umm...I have to actually work during 4th hour tomorrow." Student: "I mean how much attention do you really put into your job anyways?" It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I mean, I know we were joking around and bantering back and forth. I get it. But I just spent an entire day away from my family for THIS bullshit. For you to tell me that I don't care about my job? Yeah, because I love going on 4 field trips a year...and spending days and days away from home so that you can learn more about professional journalism. It's awesome. Are you kidding me? I literally did not say one more word the entire trip. Each and every time I start the think to myself that this job is worth it, something like that happens and it's a kick in the ass to me, and it's sad because the rest of the trip was really good, and I actually had fun with those kids. We went bowling and went out to dinner, and they are just good kids. I know that he didn't mean it in a mean way, but I can't help it. I can't help but be so damn tired of it all. Randy keeps saying to me "It's almost over...only another month" and all I keep thinking is "THERE IS STILL ANOTHER MONTH!?!?!?!" On top of all that, I think that I may have to deactivate facebook, because I am just taking things that people say much too personally. I just feel insane all the time, and I put too much emotional energy into what others are doing/saying/feeling, when it's none of my business. I know this. But I am just angry at the world. Maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind, maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Maybe I'll sleep, and be able to do laundry, and clean my house (which hasn't been cleaned in 3 weeks). Maybe I'll get to talk to my sister for real, or someone who actually wants to hear what I say, not just surface-talk to me. I just hope this passes, and I feel like a human again. A real person who can have real relationships again. In the words of Finn, "blech."

Leaving on a...mini bus.

One of the things that I absolutely LOVED about journalism as a 17 year-old idealist was the field trips. We went to nationals all over the country, and state convention and various other trips throughout the years.

One of the things that I have a love/hate relationship as a 29 year-old idealist is the field trips. I know that they are INVALUABLE to the students, but this is the fourth field trip this year for me, and the third one that is overnight for at least one night.

I have been fortunate enough to have been able to take Finn with me for two of them, but I didn't have anyone to come with me for this one to watch him. So...the inevitable is happening. I am leaving him here with...his father. :)

I have serious mixed-feelings about this. I've never been away from him for so long, and I know that will be difficult. I will miss him. I will also be ridiculously pissed about the fact that I have to PUMP. Yuck. I HATE pumping so much.

I'm also worried about him. I'm worried about him being crabby for Daddy, or feeling like I'm gone for good...and lots of other obviously irrational things.

However...this is the part that I would like you to refrain from judging me about (Really, I don't give a shit if you judge me...because I know everyone does it).

I am really excited to sleep all night long in a bed by myself. Like...really excited.

It's also completely, disgustingly sad to me that taking 11 teenagers down to southern Indiana is considered "alone time." Wtf is that, right?


So, in approximately 12 minutes I will make my way to the mini-bus, load up and drive to Ball State with 11 teenagers. This is what constitutes relaxation. Geez. Hoping that everything goes well for us...but also for Randy and Finn and my parents (who are watching Finn tomorrow after daycare).

Yikes.

Here we go again.

Welp. Remember fit to fat? Yeah, I haven't been doing that so much. Remember weight watchers? I haven't been doing that either.

Consistent? Not so much.

However, I'm writing this down (seriously kind of embarrassed, but making myself do it). Yesterday I started to try to do the Insanity workouts.

I was inspired by two of my good friends--Chrisanne & Beth. Chrisanne just recently finished a P90X 'bout and looks AWESOME. Beth started training for (ANOTHER!) half-marathon and has always been all-about kicking my ass into gear.

I am going to try to do the diet along with the work-outs. I started the workouts this past Saturday, and almost copped out of doing it today, but I didn't. It sucked. And I'm already sore, but I really want to do this. I really want to make some changes.

So, I'm going to try. I'm going to try to do this workout routine for the next two months and see what happens. I'm going to try to start the diet this week. I am going on an overnight field trip from Tuesday-Wednesday, so I am leaving things open a bit until Thursday, but trying to still eat well.

I'd love support...but more than anything I'd love for all of you to tell me how much I CANNOT do this. Because absolutely nothing motivates me as much as proving people wrong.

Does that mean there's something wrong with me?

Probably.

I live for little moments like this.

Despite the busyness that comes along with Crier weeks, there are also ALWAYS sweet moments. From both my "kids" and my actual kid. I never get over how genuinely excited my students are to see Finn when he comes in (and he comes in quite often, especially now that Randy is working so much overtime). They all play with him, and talk to him and are just so genuinely sweet to him.

Then, there are my Finn moments. These are moments that are so deliciously perfect that it almost hurts. When they happen, I try so hard to soak it in, and to remember each and every moment. There were two specific moments like this this week.

The first happened on Tuesday. I came home from work, and Randy was playing with Finn. I came in, scooped him up and took him outside into the backyard. Randy came outside with us, and I watched the two people I love most in the entire world play together. Randy pushed Finn in his little, red, plastic car and Finn squealed out of happiness. I sat on the swing and watched, and my insides just felt happy. It's a crazy out-of-body type moment when you realize that your dreams are coming true right in front of you. I watched this perfect child, who loves his Daddy so much play in his yard. Ella was running back and forth and it was just perfect. Simple and perfect.

It happened again today. Just recently, we have made Friday night "movie night." We don't usually let Finn watch any television, but now that he's over a year, we let him watch a movie with us on Friday night. Tonight we watched Up (one of my favorites). And before tonight I've never really seen him be involved in a movie before.

Tonight he pointed and said "dog" when Doug came on the screen. He said "Bird" when Kevin came on. And he laughed his little head off at a few parts. The best part? He sat on my lap and snuggled with me the whole time he watched it (maybe 30 minutes total, but still). It was just so fun.

On weeks like this, we don't get to spend a lot of time together. I've seen him only a few hours while he's been awake the last few days. But tonight was so much fun for me.

It's weird how very full I can feel after spending more time with him. I am still kind of amazed by how much MORE I love him each and every day.

It's fun.

Inside Jokes

Sometimes I forget about all the amazing things in life. You probably know that, because you read this blog. I tend to focus on the negative things WAY TOO MUCH. Which is so stupid, because there are so many positive, wonderful things in my life.

This week Randy has been VERY sick, I've been sick and Finn is getting over being sick, so it's been another rough one, but inside of this crud, there are so many sweet moments. Finn gives love, and is the sweetest little angel.

Finn & I have our first "inside joke." When he comes to work with me, I let him watch Elmo clips on YouTube sometimes. His favorite one is called "Elmo's Ducks" and it is seriously cute. I have a weird tv thing--Randy calls me the "tv Nazi" quite often, but I have a soft spot for Sesame Street, and it's the one thing that I don't really have a problem with him watching. But, I have been sidetracked...




...when the video gets to ONE duck, the duck quacks and every time we see it we crack up. If, for some reason, I don't hear it Finn looks at me with this little grin on his face. It's like he's saying "Mom, did you hear it? Did you?" He waits for me to laugh with him.

Oh.my.god. Are you kidding me? I could not possibly love that child more. It is not even possible.

Right now...it's my favorite thing in the entire world. Well, except for him. He's my favorite.

School

I'm not sure when it happened, but school has become this awful place that I have to drag myself out of bed to go to each day.

I used to be someone who loved my job. I was that idiot that was like "I am kind of glad that summer break is over because I miss my students." Yeah...what kind of bullshit is that?

I'm telling you what--I haven't felt like that once this year. When I am gone (and I've been gone A LOT--I have like 2 sick days left) I do not miss this place, I lament over the fact that I eventually have to go back.

It's Sunday morning. Sunday morning is...church time (if that's what you're into), or rest time, or sit on your ass time. Sunday morning is not...GO IN TO SCHOOL WITH AN ENTIRE GROUP OF STUDENTS TIME.

But that's what I am doing right now. I woke up at 6, and came into school today. I will be here all morning. On top of this, I feel AWFUL. My throat hurts so badly, I can barely swallow. I have been on an antibiotic for a sinus infection since Monday night, and I still feel awful. My throat feels about 20 times worse than it did on Monday. How does that happen? Seriously. So, after leaving here I'm going to have to go to Urgent Care! Twice in one week.

I'm sorry to those of you that read this blog lately. Because I promise I didn't use to complain 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I used to consider myself a happy person. I wish I knew how to get back to that. I actually think I do know how to get back to that....it's simply doing it...making decisions that have good and bad ramifications, dealing with the bad parts of myself and putting them on display. I need to get my shit together.

The end.

Nothing to report...

It has been a bit of a crazy week so far, and I will now write about it for no one's benefit but my own! Sorry I'm so boring lately.

Thursday night/Friday morning Finn woke up several times throughout the night with a fever. I gave him some Ibuprofen at one point, and he slept in bed with us for the rest of the night. When he woke up, he still had a temperature, but it was a low-grade temperature (at least according to the $60 thermometer-from-hell). Friday was pretty low-key, we went out to lunch with my Mom, and we took my Mom to my Dad's work so they could leave directly from there to go to the airport. I knew he had a fever, and I knew he was pretty miserable. By the time we got home Finn would barely move and felt awful. The theremometer-from-hell (TFH) said that his temperature was 100.6, but he just felt so hot to me. Randy got home and I told him that we were taking Finn to urgent care.

We also had to go pick up my parents' dog on Friday, because she is staying with us this week while my parents are in France (Mon Dieu!). She has really been an angel thus far, which is not her normal course of action.

When we got to urgent care his temperature was 103.2 and they were nervous about him having a seizure if his temperature was rising that fast. I felt like the WORST mother EVER, because instead of following my gut, I followed the doctor's advice about not giving medicine for a low-grade fever. They did a chest x-ray and a flu test, and gave him two different types of medicine while we were there. By the time we left his fever was down to 101.0, and the diagnosis...a virus.

The weekend went okay, Finn was extremely cranky and just wanted to be held by Mama the whole time, which was okay with me...most of the time at least. He had a fever through the weekend, and when Sunday night rolled around he still felt warm, and was developing the dreaded croup-cough. I no longer consulted TFH, so I have no idea how his temperature was doing. He also developed a rash all over his arms and legs.

I called off for Monday and took Finn in to the doctor again, where they looked at the rash and did a strep test. Diagnosis--still a GD virus. Which is fine. At least his ears were clear...I guess. Monday he was so crabby that I didn't even get a chance to shower all day. However, you will NEVER catch me complaining about a chance to stay home and cuddle that sweet boy.

I called off again for Tuesday because he had to be fever free for 24 hours to go back to day care. He was feeling pretty good though, so we headed out to Orland to get some birthday gifts for...about 30 different people's birthdays coming up. We got some great stuff. And I am slightly embarassed to tell you that I even purchased a little dress for a fictional baby girl that I sometimes dream of (I want you to go ahead and imagine Randy's reaction to that piece of information!).

And today...I am back at school and Finn is back at daycare even though he still has a terrible cough...it's not a croup cough anymore, just a regular old cough...so I guess that's good.

Oh AND on Friday my Grandpa was in the hospital again because his eye started bleeding and he had to get a tube put in his eye (he has problems producing enough tears, so they did surgery last week...and then this was a complication from surgery apparently).

We also had people over for Easter, which was great...and got to enjoy the amazing weather in the backyard :) Silver lining? Right?

French envy.

Bonjour! Comment ca-va? Et tu? Je manque ma souer.

Yeah, in case I haven't told you my sister is studying abroad this year...yeah she's the jerk that leaves for the whole year. A semester isn't enough. Well, my parents left on Friday to go visit her. Well, they called on Saturday morning (not to check on me, but to check on their dog whom we are watching) and my dad said "We are eating lunch at a cafe in Paris."

I wanted to die. I think if it was possible I would have been green with envy.

I have wanted to go to France since...well, I was accepted into the IU Honors program and DIDN'T go because (1) I didn't think I could raise enough money and (2) I had this boyfriend...yeah it was Randy.

Ever since I have wanted to travel SO SO much, and I think it's amazing that my sister is having all these adventures that I should have had, but I'm sick of it now...and I want to go too.

France is...FRANCE! And in my opinion, there is no place better that I could possibly visit. It's in my top five places.

That is all.

I hope everyone had an amazing Easter--we did :) Until next time I'll be dreaming of French bistros!

Where oh where have I been?

Well I've been missing for a while (I know, I know...you are dying without my ever-so-awesome blog entries...what? you miss the constant complaining and whining? You miss my hilarious wittiness?).

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there will be very little complaining in this entry, which brings me to the reason for my extended absence.

I've been on Spring break, and therefore...shockingly enough, relaxed, and happy. After two days off Randy said "Even when you're mad at me you're just so much...nicer when you're not working outside of the house." It's just so true.

We had such a great break, full of friends and family and playing!

On Monday we went over to Kathy's house and played with Alexis. I don't get to see Kathy anywhere NEAR as often as I would like to, so it was so fun to get the two kids together. Finn is working very hard on sharing and so it gets frustrating to try to help him learn this, but I would honestly say by the end of the week I think he was doing much better. After that, Finn took a nap in the car, and we picked up Betty and headed out to Orland mall. We went to Babies-R-Us and Baby gap (found his Easter outfit), and came home. That night we went to the park.

Tuesday we went back to the mall with Chrisanne and Tenley to find Tenley an Easter outfit! Then Finn had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon.

Wednesday we went over to Betty's and had lunch with Betty, Clark, Chrisanne, and Tenley. At night we went and played with Addy and Uncle Ryan and Aunt Sarah.

Thursday was another treat. Finn went to daycare, while I went and got a massage and pedicure. It was fantastic. Then I picked him up, we played in our yard for a while, then he went to Grandma and Papa's while I went out to dinner with all of the journalism advisers in the area at House of Kobe. YUM!

Friday might have been my favorite day of all--we took Finn and Tenley to get their Easter pictures done, and then we took them to Bellaboos, which is an adorable play/learn place. It was seriously so much fun to watch the two of them play together, and splash and learn.

Saturday and Sunday were just as fun as the week. On Saturday we went to visit Great-Grandpa and hung out with my dad (aka Papa), then Betty and Mike came over for dinner. Mike and Randy decided that Katniss would be the perfect name for the next children that Betty and I have (assuming that they were girls), and Betty and I tried not to kill the two of them.

Sunday was Easter at my parents (they'll be in France for "real" Easter).

How awesome does that sound? Because it was even better.

I had so much fun with Finn over the last week, which made it a ridiculous amount of difficult to leave him today.

He signs "more" and "finished" and "dog" now. We're working on the signs for "please" and "thank you." He also gestures "I don't know" and blows kisses. He said his first sentence "Bye-Bye Da!" over the break (at least that I've heard), and he says so many words now: "Bye" "Mama" "Dada" "dog" "ball" "Hello" "Ella" "Elmo" "Tenley" "Addy" (though I think he means the little girl in daycare, but no matter) "Uh-oh" "yes" "no" and those are the only ones that I can think of now. I don't know if it's because I was home with him that he seemed to talk more, or because I just understand him better, but he's so smart, and so fun.

The only downside of Spring break was (1) I had to go back and (2)I ate like an idiot, so I gained a few pounds back. I am trying to get back on track,as I was at my lowest before break, but we will see! :) Wish me luck, and I hope everyone has a wonderful week.