"But this is MY first time."

A lot of my labor experience is very blurry to me. The pain and the lack of sleep kind of blur things together in this very strange dream-like moment. However, there is one specific moment that I remember quite clearly. Both doulas were on the left side of the bed and I was in the midst of a very painful contraction. I remember wailing something akin to "I can't do this anymore-you don't know how it feels." And both women, who had (naturally) birthed several babies replied, "We've done it before; we know what it feels like." Exasperated, I cried out, "But this is MY first time, I don't know that I can do it."

This memory surfaced this morning, when Finn woke up around 5am with a terribly runny nose. Finn had a runny nose once before, and it went away within 24 hours. He (I think) has a cold. I know that many of the people that read this blog are already mommies,and colds are easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy (as Randy would say). But, it's MY first time dealing with my baby having a real cold.

I had to drop him off at Miss Laura's this morning, and sound like a crazy person when I said, "I'm already taking Friday off, but if we need to Randy can take tomorrow off."

I know people will think "It's just a cold." But it's his first real cold, and I feel immensely guilty (because, OF COURSE, it's my fault that he's in day care and he caught a cold from those kids...rational, right?). So, be kind. And give advice...seriously.

Hope you're all having a great week :)

My husband.

I've been waiting a while to write this post ever since Randy wrote his post about failure.

My husband is one of the most caring men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Anyone who knows us knows that we fight like cats and dogs. I mean we fight ALL THE TIME. Crazy, name-calling, yelling matches. Anyone who REALLY knows us knows that we love each other anyways. Randy and I know exactly how to push each other's buttons. We know how to hurt each other with our words better than almost anyone I know, but we know how to use them lovingly as well. This weekend was a time where we used words in both ways. We talked about daycare/stay-at-home mommying several times. We talked about Ashley leaving. We talked about our precious angel growing up. Those are hard topics, and sometimes things get heated.

Today, on Randy's birthday, I want him to know (and all five of you readers) that he is an amazing father, and that not once in his entire life has he ever been a failure. He is successful at everything he does. Examples? Sure!

1. He bought our house for us, and transformed it from this nasty, disgusting, dirty, old gross mess into our home. The inside of our house is so cozy, so warm and so inviting, and he did that all alone, with more obstacles than I care to discuss. How many people can say that? My husband literally tore down our walls and rebuilt our house from the floors up.
2. His job, Randy has been at his job for almost 3 years, and has been promoted several times. He is such a hard worker, and I am so proud of what he has accomplished.
3. Me. Randy has always been my biggest supporter. EVer when he doesn't agree with what I am doing, he is there for me emotionally. He has always tried to do what is best for our family and for me. He is always helpful to me, always supportive, and always there for me, even at my worst.
4. Fatherhood, I realize that Finn is only 7 months old, but I can already see how Randy is such an amazing, successful father. Finn loves him so much, he lights up when he sees that his daddy is home. It is seriously so much fun to see.

He is one of the most kind, compassionate, and caring individuals I know. He wants to provide Finn and I with everything that we need, and what he doesn't know is that he does. Randy-you do. You are so amazingly wonderful with Finn. You are so very much in his life. He knows that you're his Daddy, and he ALREADY knows how much you love him. He trusts you, he snuggles you. I always knew you would be a great Daddy, but watching you with Finn (and any other children we have) will always be one of the happiest times in my entire life.

Happy birthday Randy. Finn & I love you so much.

Intervention

On Thursday, arguably the worst day of the worst week ever I got a phone call. I got a phone call from two fellow journalism advisers. Two great advisers. Two advisers that I respect. Two advisers that I think are successful. Two advisers that have children, and are working.

They told me that I cannot be Nancy (she is my mentor, she is the person I replaced at Munster, she is awesome). They told me that I cannot be her; and I don't want to be her. They said it is okay to not do what she did. They said that I could do this.

They helped me. It wasn't what they said , per se. It was that they told me that I had the control. I can tell the kids, I need to leave at a certain time. They reminded me that I am in charge. I can control the circumstances, and I can make changes.

After this, the day was long, but the week was almost over. It seemed to get better. Then, one of my friends wrote on their facebook status that they were going to stay home with their baby.

It felt like I was punched in the gut.

Now, let me clarify, I am happy for her. Seriously, I am. I would never want someone to feel bad like I do. I want people to be able to do what they want to do. But, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

The rest of the weekend was good. But, it was tainted by those crappy feelings. I am really hoping that this week will get better.

Here's the thing--I don't think it will. Not because of work, but because my sister is leaving on Sunday. She is like REALLY leaving. She will be in Ireland and France for 9 months. I got a taste of how sad it's going to be today. She said goodbye to my niece and nephew and my sister and John. I think I cried more than her. But it's nothing like what next weekend will be.

Too much is changing. I can't deal with it. I suck.

I am so hopeful that this week WILL be better.

9 pounds

So, I have lost 9 pounds in the past 7 days. I am not complaining, I could stand to lose about 20-30 more, but I'll take 9. Now, I'm not trying to lose weight. I have just literally not had time to do any eating/drinking/sitting/sleeping. I am in perpetual motion.

Yes, it's good that I lost those 9 pounds. Agreed. But, it's not healthy I'm sure, and I am so terribly unhappy.

It's Wednesday at 11:00 am. I have been at work for 42 hours so far this week. This is my life. I don't really have much else to say about it.

Yesterday went as follors:
3:30am: wake up/feed Finn
6am: wake up/get ready/get Finn ready/feed Finn
7am: drop finn off :(
7:15am: school/pretend to be a teacher/educator/mentor/adviser/friend/coworker/professional
3:00pm: pick Finn up/bring him back to school with me
5:30pm: someone picks Finn up (Randy usually, yesterday my parents). While Finn is gone--plan lessons, edit photos, catch up on life, help students create an award winning paper.
7:45pm: get ready to leave school
8pm: leave school/pick Finn up from my parents/feed Finn
8:15pm: get home/ clean breast pump/ clean up Finn/ get ready for the next day/take a shower (Somehow--since Finn won't let anyone else deal with him after 8 pm--thankfully Ashley showed him video clips for me)
8:45pm: drive Finn around to try to get him to sleep/pick up food for the co-op
9:00-9:45pm: try for 100 years to put Finn to sleep
9:45pm: talk to Ashley, make a grocery list/clean breast pump that wasn't cleaned earlier.

See. No time for food.

FML.

This is supposed to get easier, right?

So...the first week is over. I have about 5,403 things to do. It's really ridiculous. I actually said the following words on Friday, "I forgot what it's like to be THIS busy." This happened as I was running to make copies during lunch (after I pumped, talked to students and scarfed down a salad). In actuality, I have never been this busy. I've never done both before, I have never been both a mommy and a teacher. It's hard.

I want to talk about how it's been, but not all of it. I think it's still a bit too raw to really discuss in detail. The last few days have really been the most difficult of my life. The prospect that it's not over yet, that this is the new "reality" is very difficult for me to swallow. And I can't get to the point yet where I've accepted it. Wednesday and Thursday night were terrible. Finn was in a terrible mood, and he was the crabbiest he has ever been in his entire life. It was absolute agony to watch and hear. Laura (the woman who watches him) said, "he was fine" every day, but she doesn't know him. He is not crabby, EVER, he is the happiest, most laid back baby I've ever met. It's so horrible.

He had some trouble taking two bottles a day for the first days, but he is doing well. He sleeps well there, but one day he was very crabby. I have cried every time I've dropped him off, and most of the times after I pick him up. It's not good. This weekend he's been great, back to normal. Which doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like YES the reason he's been crabby is because you leave him all day long, and he doesn't like it.

So, there still hasn't been a day that I've dropped him off and not cried the whole way to school. There hasn't been a day where I picked him up and didn't feel guilty. I honestly think that Friday was the worst, he stared at me while I walked out the door. He wasn't crying, more just searching for me. As if he was saying, "Mom, where are you going again?" I lost in on the way out.

It's supposed to get easier, I know it. But all I keep thinking about is "If I had more money, I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to get upset every day. I wouldn't have to worry about it. "

Another thing that sucks is that I feel like today, for the first time, I really realized that Ashley is leaving in two weeks...for nine months. It makes me want to curl up into a ball. Just another way that I fail. I am not even able to go visit her, because of stupid money. I can't believe I won't see her for so long. It's NOT going to be good.

So...that was my week.

How was yours?

Guest Blog - Randy

I would like to begin by saying that I am not really a "blog person," so I apologize for rambling and or poor blog etiquette . So, without further explanation, here are a few of my thoughts from the last few days and today.

The last week has been especially difficult, for many reasons, but mainly that fact that Becky is going back to school. When we decided to have a baby we were both very clear that it was not an option for her at this point in time to be a stay at home mom. We both agreed that it was a goal to shoot for in the future but not realistic right now. It is not often that I feel helpless but with Becky going back to school and Finn starting daycare, that is exactly how I feel right now.

Anyone who knows Becky, is well aware that she does not hide her feelings well, and she is about as subtle as a sledge hammer she wants something. I have never been very good at not giving Becky what she wants. I sometimes try to put my foot down for a few days, at most a week, but when it comes down to it 99% of the time Becky gets what she wants. I am okay with this I truly am, it is one of the reason I love her so dearly. She is a strong and direct woman. It is for this reason though that it makes this whole back to school and daycare situation all the more difficult. I know that more than anything that Becky just wants to stay at home with our baby, and i (we) must deny (within reason) this want that has been consuming her for quite some time.

It is truly heart wrenching to watch Becky be so conflicted and in such real pain at the thought of leaving Finn in daycare. It sends a lot of thoughts through your mind, but the main one that continues to resonate in my mind is the sense of failure. Failing to provide sufficiently, failing my son, failing to make my wife happy. Failure is one of my biggest fears in life so this trio of failures is especially hard to swallow.

With all that being said, I comfort myself by qualifying these failures as a means to success. I make a decent wage, could we swing it on one income, yes, but I could only provide needs not wants. - I am a sufficient provider but I want more for my family. My son is safe at daycare, I would never put him in harms way, developmentally kids in daycare do just as well kids who stay at home with a parent. - I am not failing my son. The last is the most difficult to qualify, I fear I can't make Becky truly happy right now. - I am failing my wife.

I am very much a "fix it" person. I'm black or white. Logical. I define the issue, I research the issue, I fix it! I am lost on this one though, my only hope is that things get better. We get into the groove. Becky goes to work, I go to work, Finn thrives in daycare, we leave this conflict behind us. Many many people have been telling Becky it will get better and she will adjust, I honestly believe that to be the case. Until then though the helplessness and sense of failure will remain.

Amazing.

I am sitting in bed, not sleeping, because tomorrow is...well, tomorrow. This is THE day that I have been dreading. Tonight was yearbook pick-up, and it definitely reminded me about some reasons that I get frustrated at work, but there were also things that reminded me about why I do this.

That doesn't mean I didn't sob my heart out on the way home, or when I picked up my little angel from Daddy's arms, or when I put him to bed tonight. Because I did...all three of those times. It doesn't make tomorrow easier. I called Randy on the way home and said, "this is what things will be like so many nights...come home, put Finn to sleep, go to sleep."

Surprisingly, the only thing that has made this week easier...are your comments. Comments from all sorts of people--people who know me quite well and people who only know me in passing. Honestly, I can't tell all of you what these comments mean to me. I really and truly cannot even put into words what it felt like today to receive three long facebook messages from people who were thinking about me, thinking about how difficult tomorrow will be for me, and wondering if they could help.

It's moments like that, that make me remember how truly lucky I am. Seriously, I REALLY am.

I wanted to share some of my favorite parts, and by favorites...I mean the parts that made me cry...a lot, like ridiculous amounts. I won't publish names, because I don't know if these people want all five of you that read this blog to know who they are. But, if you are one of the amazing women who said these things to me, please know that you made my week better. You made me feel like I will be able to do this...eventually. And I cannot adequately express the gratitude for that solace.

"I could tell today that you were not in a good place. I spent the weeks before I went back to work in a very bad place. I felt horrible about myself, guilty about being the worst mom for not being able to stay home and I made [my husband] feel just as horrible too. I know you can't see how you can still be a good mom now and work because I couldn't either. But you can. Things won't be the same. You will not be the same teacher you were a year ago. Your house may never be clean, or maybe you will be better at this than me . Take my advice and don't let the guilt ruin the time you have with him. There are awesome working moms and awesome stay at home moms. There is always guilt associated with being a mom. It just comes with the job. It is about trying to find that balance and trust me I'm still working on this. I think back to went my kids were little and I can truly say I enjoyed every moment with them. I did not miss them growing up because I worked it only made me appreciate even more the time I had with them. I know stay at home moms that can't say this."

This one touches on something that I have become quite familiar with as a mom--guilt. I will talk more about this in a later post because I am reading a book right now called Bad Mother and I want to talk more about the subject. It's one of those things--like breastfeeding--that they never talk about. Well, let me tell you all--Mom guilt is ROUGH, and I've yet to meet a mom who is not filled with it.

"Regardless, my point in all of this, well... maybe... is that in reading about how much you love your gorgeous baby and how AMAZING of a mother you have become in just 7 short months, you have a LIFETIME of amazing to come. You will ABSOLUTELY be able to do this, Becky and even though we are essentially strangers I can FEEL how amazing of a Mom you ARE and will continue to be simply through the passion in your writing. I know this doesn't really help because I don't have any little ones, or advice to offer, or helpful hints. All I can offer is random stranger support and tell you to put faith in yourself and in the unbreakable bond there is between a mother and her son, regardless of what you have to do to support your family right now. YOU CAN DO THIS. "

Those last words (and the part about my gorgeous baby...because he is, right?) honestly made me feel so much better. Someone just saying it/writing it--there's something so powerful about that. Maybe because I'm an English/journalism teacher, but I feel it. I feel the power behind those words, and I feel the strength of someone who would take time out of their life to write to me and say those things--it strengthened me. Honestly.

[After giving me several good things to think about] "I hope this gives you enough silver lining to focus on, or at least chuckle about. I PROMISE, you will live to tell your tale, and even love your tale. Just like natural childbirth, it will be challenging at first, but you will have not only a beautiful outcome in the end, but a great sense of accomplishment. I know you, and you are not buying anything I am saying right now. However, so much of this whole motherhood thing is about trust. Trust those who have walked before you, and believe that it is all going to be OK."

This is so beautiful to me, and spoken like such a wise and thoughtful woman. Trusting in each other, as mothers to guide us, and help us. Sometimes I feel like so many mothers spend their time damning each other, and judging each other, and saying "I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do this." It's so refreshingly wonderful to hear another mother cheer me on, and say that my journey will be a good one, and just because I will be at work for part of it, doesn't (necessarily) make me a horrible mother.

I know that this post is long, and I appreciate those of you who are still hanging out with me by this point. I wanted you all to know that your words matter. They make things better. These three women who wrote to me and said these amazingly beautiful things to me--you don't know what it meant to me, and all I can say is thank you.

So...thank you so much.

And I know I am super gushy, emotional tonight, so I apologize to any of you who may have thrown up while reading the mushiness. I can't help it, it's who I am. I figure if you read about Finn, you already know this :)

I have got my fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow. I know it will be terribly hard.

Gifts

This week, I've received two amazing gifts. The first was seeing Finn crawl, I mean really crawl for the first time. It was pretty awesome, mostly because he is pretty awesome. Sometimes I can't believe that I am able to be there for these first moments. His first smile, his first laugh, his first time army crawling, crawling and STANDING (yes, that was the second moment--he pulled himself up), it is an amazing honor to be apart of those moments in his life.

He might not remember them, but I will remember them for the rest of my life. I will remember when he's 14, and driving me crazy, how he used to laugh when I tickled his belly. I will remember how he would smile and turn away when I looked at him. I will remember when he would reach to me while he was eating, or crying or anything.

I feel like Finn gave me these two gifts because he knows how sad I am. How I absolutely cannot believe that it's over. How these past 7 months were the best of my life, and now I feel like they are ending.

I can't believe it's over. I can't believe that I am heading to school in 2 hours for the rest of the night, and then dropping Finn off at daycare in the morning. It is breaking my heart. Literally, my heart hurts when I think about it.

I hope I make it. I hope it's easier (like everyone says it will be) than I think, I hope it's not as bad as I think. I hope Finn still knows me, loves me, and wants to be with me.

If he doesn't. I hope he knows that he is my greatest accomplishment. He is everything I never knew I always wanted. He is perfect. I hope when he looks back at his childhood he remembers me, and his daddy, and love. I hope he doesn't remember daycare (at least not only daycare).

I am really working on trying to understand what I can do to help the situation. I'm working on trying to make things better.

Losing it.

Slowly, but surely. I am losing it. It feels like I am losing everything, and I am grasping at straws.

If anyone has any suggestions. PLEASE tell me, immediately.

More breakdowns...and more fun.

I had to bring Finn to his daycare this past Wednesday. It was one of the top 5 worst moments of my life. I know there are some of you out there that don't believe this, but I've thought about it a lot.

(Maybe I've had a cushy life...but my top 5 worst moments were in college when I got yelled at by my roommates in a super-girly bully-ish kind of way, when one of my best friends kicked me out of her party, when my grandma died, when Finn was under observation for the first 24 hours, when he choked and when I dropped him off at daycare. I told you I thought about it a lot.)

I cried the night before, I hardly slept at all because I was so nervous about it. I woke up way early, got ready, got him ready and sat and waited until 7:15 hit. It was absolutely torturous. I brought him there, cried the entire way in the car. Dropped him off and completely lost it IN FRONT of the little kids there AND Laura, and then hard-core lost it for the next 35 minutes in the car.

I just can't bring myself to understand why out of all the mommies out there, I have to go back to work. And this is where I cross into irrationality...I swear that if I was in some way better. A better photographer, didn't have student loans, smarter, prettier, thinner...I would be able to figure out a way. Maybe if I was a better wife, more laid back, less bitchy...then I would be able to stay home.

I know so many women who don't really want to stay home, who love work, and that is FANTASTIC. I honestly wish I was one of those, but all I can think about is that I'll miss it all. I'll miss his fabulous childhood. I won't be there for his first art project, his first time crawling (really crawling), his first words, etc. I will be at work. That is unforgiveable to me. If I miss those things, I KNOW that 10 years down the road I will regret it like I've never regretted anything in my life.

How am I going to do this.

Okay. I could go on and on about this forever, but I promised you some fun, and here it is.

Finn got his first haircut yesterday. This is him before.
During...
And after...

What a handsome man I have. He is so fabulous.

What am I going to do without him all day?

The First (of many) nervous breakdown.

So yesterday it officially happened. I lost it. Seriously.

I started crying, and sweating, and my heart started beating very hard, and at one point I had to run to the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw-up, I even heaved a bit.

I broke down about school. I broke down about leaving my sweet baby angel. I couldn't contain the sadness anymore.

I put him to sleep, and stared at his gorgeous face, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I started working on some school work, and I started really thinking. Thinking about what I was leaving behind, and something inside me broke apart.

Now, I am not someone who hates my job. Actually, I truly love my job. I teach students, but not just "regular" students--students who work hard, who love my classes, and who actually WANT to be there. It's awesome, and I honestly love my students, I love my job most times. BUT, I have a new job now, one that is so much more important to me.

It is so incredibly hard to think about, but it's coming. It's coming faster than I think it is, and it is so hard.

Randy was wonderful, legitimately wonderful. He told me he is scared too. He told me it'll be okay. He told me I'm a good mother. And most importantly, he told me that if it's too hard I can stop. He said "if we can't do it, if it's too much--you will stop and we will make it work."

I don't know if he will ever know what that means to me. To have someone support me that much that they say if you're miserable, if you're broken--we will find a way to make it work. That is amazing to me.

Sometimes even in the saddest times, I see the beautiful things in my life. My husband is awesome.

August.

So...it's August. Yep.

Not a fan. Only 2.5 weeks left of happiness, and that happiness will be clouded with school work.

I am trying to be positive, but it's not working. At all.

I am scared of what this will be like, I am scared of what I will miss. I am just scared.

I hope things get better.

I am clearly incapable of complete thoughts today. It sucks.