Guest Blog - Randy

I would like to begin by saying that I am not really a "blog person," so I apologize for rambling and or poor blog etiquette . So, without further explanation, here are a few of my thoughts from the last few days and today.

The last week has been especially difficult, for many reasons, but mainly that fact that Becky is going back to school. When we decided to have a baby we were both very clear that it was not an option for her at this point in time to be a stay at home mom. We both agreed that it was a goal to shoot for in the future but not realistic right now. It is not often that I feel helpless but with Becky going back to school and Finn starting daycare, that is exactly how I feel right now.

Anyone who knows Becky, is well aware that she does not hide her feelings well, and she is about as subtle as a sledge hammer she wants something. I have never been very good at not giving Becky what she wants. I sometimes try to put my foot down for a few days, at most a week, but when it comes down to it 99% of the time Becky gets what she wants. I am okay with this I truly am, it is one of the reason I love her so dearly. She is a strong and direct woman. It is for this reason though that it makes this whole back to school and daycare situation all the more difficult. I know that more than anything that Becky just wants to stay at home with our baby, and i (we) must deny (within reason) this want that has been consuming her for quite some time.

It is truly heart wrenching to watch Becky be so conflicted and in such real pain at the thought of leaving Finn in daycare. It sends a lot of thoughts through your mind, but the main one that continues to resonate in my mind is the sense of failure. Failing to provide sufficiently, failing my son, failing to make my wife happy. Failure is one of my biggest fears in life so this trio of failures is especially hard to swallow.

With all that being said, I comfort myself by qualifying these failures as a means to success. I make a decent wage, could we swing it on one income, yes, but I could only provide needs not wants. - I am a sufficient provider but I want more for my family. My son is safe at daycare, I would never put him in harms way, developmentally kids in daycare do just as well kids who stay at home with a parent. - I am not failing my son. The last is the most difficult to qualify, I fear I can't make Becky truly happy right now. - I am failing my wife.

I am very much a "fix it" person. I'm black or white. Logical. I define the issue, I research the issue, I fix it! I am lost on this one though, my only hope is that things get better. We get into the groove. Becky goes to work, I go to work, Finn thrives in daycare, we leave this conflict behind us. Many many people have been telling Becky it will get better and she will adjust, I honestly believe that to be the case. Until then though the helplessness and sense of failure will remain.