More breakdowns...and more fun.

I had to bring Finn to his daycare this past Wednesday. It was one of the top 5 worst moments of my life. I know there are some of you out there that don't believe this, but I've thought about it a lot.

(Maybe I've had a cushy life...but my top 5 worst moments were in college when I got yelled at by my roommates in a super-girly bully-ish kind of way, when one of my best friends kicked me out of her party, when my grandma died, when Finn was under observation for the first 24 hours, when he choked and when I dropped him off at daycare. I told you I thought about it a lot.)

I cried the night before, I hardly slept at all because I was so nervous about it. I woke up way early, got ready, got him ready and sat and waited until 7:15 hit. It was absolutely torturous. I brought him there, cried the entire way in the car. Dropped him off and completely lost it IN FRONT of the little kids there AND Laura, and then hard-core lost it for the next 35 minutes in the car.

I just can't bring myself to understand why out of all the mommies out there, I have to go back to work. And this is where I cross into irrationality...I swear that if I was in some way better. A better photographer, didn't have student loans, smarter, prettier, thinner...I would be able to figure out a way. Maybe if I was a better wife, more laid back, less bitchy...then I would be able to stay home.

I know so many women who don't really want to stay home, who love work, and that is FANTASTIC. I honestly wish I was one of those, but all I can think about is that I'll miss it all. I'll miss his fabulous childhood. I won't be there for his first art project, his first time crawling (really crawling), his first words, etc. I will be at work. That is unforgiveable to me. If I miss those things, I KNOW that 10 years down the road I will regret it like I've never regretted anything in my life.

How am I going to do this.

Okay. I could go on and on about this forever, but I promised you some fun, and here it is.

Finn got his first haircut yesterday. This is him before.
During...
And after...

What a handsome man I have. He is so fabulous.

What am I going to do without him all day?