Amazing.

I am sitting in bed, not sleeping, because tomorrow is...well, tomorrow. This is THE day that I have been dreading. Tonight was yearbook pick-up, and it definitely reminded me about some reasons that I get frustrated at work, but there were also things that reminded me about why I do this.

That doesn't mean I didn't sob my heart out on the way home, or when I picked up my little angel from Daddy's arms, or when I put him to bed tonight. Because I did...all three of those times. It doesn't make tomorrow easier. I called Randy on the way home and said, "this is what things will be like so many nights...come home, put Finn to sleep, go to sleep."

Surprisingly, the only thing that has made this week easier...are your comments. Comments from all sorts of people--people who know me quite well and people who only know me in passing. Honestly, I can't tell all of you what these comments mean to me. I really and truly cannot even put into words what it felt like today to receive three long facebook messages from people who were thinking about me, thinking about how difficult tomorrow will be for me, and wondering if they could help.

It's moments like that, that make me remember how truly lucky I am. Seriously, I REALLY am.

I wanted to share some of my favorite parts, and by favorites...I mean the parts that made me cry...a lot, like ridiculous amounts. I won't publish names, because I don't know if these people want all five of you that read this blog to know who they are. But, if you are one of the amazing women who said these things to me, please know that you made my week better. You made me feel like I will be able to do this...eventually. And I cannot adequately express the gratitude for that solace.

"I could tell today that you were not in a good place. I spent the weeks before I went back to work in a very bad place. I felt horrible about myself, guilty about being the worst mom for not being able to stay home and I made [my husband] feel just as horrible too. I know you can't see how you can still be a good mom now and work because I couldn't either. But you can. Things won't be the same. You will not be the same teacher you were a year ago. Your house may never be clean, or maybe you will be better at this than me . Take my advice and don't let the guilt ruin the time you have with him. There are awesome working moms and awesome stay at home moms. There is always guilt associated with being a mom. It just comes with the job. It is about trying to find that balance and trust me I'm still working on this. I think back to went my kids were little and I can truly say I enjoyed every moment with them. I did not miss them growing up because I worked it only made me appreciate even more the time I had with them. I know stay at home moms that can't say this."

This one touches on something that I have become quite familiar with as a mom--guilt. I will talk more about this in a later post because I am reading a book right now called Bad Mother and I want to talk more about the subject. It's one of those things--like breastfeeding--that they never talk about. Well, let me tell you all--Mom guilt is ROUGH, and I've yet to meet a mom who is not filled with it.

"Regardless, my point in all of this, well... maybe... is that in reading about how much you love your gorgeous baby and how AMAZING of a mother you have become in just 7 short months, you have a LIFETIME of amazing to come. You will ABSOLUTELY be able to do this, Becky and even though we are essentially strangers I can FEEL how amazing of a Mom you ARE and will continue to be simply through the passion in your writing. I know this doesn't really help because I don't have any little ones, or advice to offer, or helpful hints. All I can offer is random stranger support and tell you to put faith in yourself and in the unbreakable bond there is between a mother and her son, regardless of what you have to do to support your family right now. YOU CAN DO THIS. "

Those last words (and the part about my gorgeous baby...because he is, right?) honestly made me feel so much better. Someone just saying it/writing it--there's something so powerful about that. Maybe because I'm an English/journalism teacher, but I feel it. I feel the power behind those words, and I feel the strength of someone who would take time out of their life to write to me and say those things--it strengthened me. Honestly.

[After giving me several good things to think about] "I hope this gives you enough silver lining to focus on, or at least chuckle about. I PROMISE, you will live to tell your tale, and even love your tale. Just like natural childbirth, it will be challenging at first, but you will have not only a beautiful outcome in the end, but a great sense of accomplishment. I know you, and you are not buying anything I am saying right now. However, so much of this whole motherhood thing is about trust. Trust those who have walked before you, and believe that it is all going to be OK."

This is so beautiful to me, and spoken like such a wise and thoughtful woman. Trusting in each other, as mothers to guide us, and help us. Sometimes I feel like so many mothers spend their time damning each other, and judging each other, and saying "I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do this." It's so refreshingly wonderful to hear another mother cheer me on, and say that my journey will be a good one, and just because I will be at work for part of it, doesn't (necessarily) make me a horrible mother.

I know that this post is long, and I appreciate those of you who are still hanging out with me by this point. I wanted you all to know that your words matter. They make things better. These three women who wrote to me and said these amazingly beautiful things to me--you don't know what it meant to me, and all I can say is thank you.

So...thank you so much.

And I know I am super gushy, emotional tonight, so I apologize to any of you who may have thrown up while reading the mushiness. I can't help it, it's who I am. I figure if you read about Finn, you already know this :)

I have got my fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow. I know it will be terribly hard.