Gifts

This week, I've received two amazing gifts. The first was seeing Finn crawl, I mean really crawl for the first time. It was pretty awesome, mostly because he is pretty awesome. Sometimes I can't believe that I am able to be there for these first moments. His first smile, his first laugh, his first time army crawling, crawling and STANDING (yes, that was the second moment--he pulled himself up), it is an amazing honor to be apart of those moments in his life.

He might not remember them, but I will remember them for the rest of my life. I will remember when he's 14, and driving me crazy, how he used to laugh when I tickled his belly. I will remember how he would smile and turn away when I looked at him. I will remember when he would reach to me while he was eating, or crying or anything.

I feel like Finn gave me these two gifts because he knows how sad I am. How I absolutely cannot believe that it's over. How these past 7 months were the best of my life, and now I feel like they are ending.

I can't believe it's over. I can't believe that I am heading to school in 2 hours for the rest of the night, and then dropping Finn off at daycare in the morning. It is breaking my heart. Literally, my heart hurts when I think about it.

I hope I make it. I hope it's easier (like everyone says it will be) than I think, I hope it's not as bad as I think. I hope Finn still knows me, loves me, and wants to be with me.

If he doesn't. I hope he knows that he is my greatest accomplishment. He is everything I never knew I always wanted. He is perfect. I hope when he looks back at his childhood he remembers me, and his daddy, and love. I hope he doesn't remember daycare (at least not only daycare).

I am really working on trying to understand what I can do to help the situation. I'm working on trying to make things better.