In case you've never met me (ever before in your entire life) then you might not know that I have a serious Christmas-obsession.  I love it, like maybe an unhealthy amount.  We decorate ridiculously early, have our Christmas cards out the DAY after Thanksgiving, we LOVE Christmas shopping and think about it for months and months before the big day.  It's awesome.

This year has been just as exciting as any other year, other than the constant slew of illnesses that seems to affect our house (croup...f&^# you croup, stomach bug, colds, etc.), this holiday season has been so much fun.  The reason?  Finn understands what is happening right now.  He knows that it's a special time of the year.  He gets to open the advent calendar every day, he gets to help wrap presents, and pick things out for his friends, and bake cookies, and decorate trees, and make special crafts.  He knows who Santa is, he knows that Santa says "Ho, ho, ho Merry Christmas" and he is VERY excited about the fact that Santa may bring him ice this Christmas (weirdo).

Each year, I have this huge countdown to Christmas, it starts....embarrassingly early in the year.  This year I'm even MORE excited about it, it's so fun to share traditions with him, to make new traditions, and to get more and more excited about all the new, fun things that are coming up in 2013.



P.S.  I know that I haven't blogged in forever, and it's because I am busy (in a great way), and just haven't had any time.  I've had SO many photo shoots, spent a lot of time at school, spent a lot of time with some great kids, and then with my own great kid.  It's been a great few months....aside from some craziness and a bit of drama thrown in along the way :)

Potty Training

Well,  I don't want to jinx things, but I think I'm pretty safe to say that I have a potty-trained child.  The last time he had an accident was on Monday, when he went to Ms. Laura's house for the day.  When he is with me he very good about telling me.

Wednesday we went to IKEA with Chrisanne and Tenley all morning, and we made two potty stops while we were there and he didn't have any issues.  Part of my can't really believe it, my baby, who is clearly not a baby is 20 months old (Almost 21) and potty trained.  Like he doesn't use diapers anymore.  What is that?

It was quite the experience for us to potty-train him, though I feel like he was fairly easy to train (knock on wood). 

Just in case anyone wants to know how we did it, I'm going to write it here.  If not, I will have something to look at whenever we have another child to remember how we did it. 

First, right around 15 months we introduced the potty.  We put it in the bathroom, let him explore it and showed him how to sit on it.  We started just letting him look at it and get used to it, then we introduced giving him a mini-M&M every time that he sat down on the potty.  For a while, he sat on it a lot, and it was great.  There were days that he wouldn't sit on the potty at all, and that was okay too.  We also let him watch us on the potty whenever he wanted to, that way he saw what was going on. 

Then, we would only give him an M&M when he sat on it without pants on.  This lasted for a while.  Then one day, he sat down and I said "Finn, go potty" and he 'pee-peed' on the potty.  It was pretty exciting.  Then, he didn't go again for quite some time. 

Finn also has a very distinctive "poop face" so we knew when he was going.  We would start to try to take him when he was making this face, and then mimic this face when he sat on the potty so he knew what to do (the things you do for your kids!).

Another thing that really REALLY helped Finn was that Gus and V are here a few days a week, the fact that he could see Gus use the potty, and what he was supposed to do probably made the difference in doing this now, and 6-12 months from now.  He wanted to do it because he saw Gus do it. 

So, one morning he went on the potty twice, and it was a Friday so I just decided to keep going.  I stripped him naked and that was how he stayed for the next 4-5 days.  When he's naked he had no where to "put" his potty, and the kid does NOT like a mess on himself, so it worked for him. 

We used pull-ups during naptime and nighttime, which I think we'll continue to do for a while, though he has stayed dry for the last 3-4 nights and almost always at naptime, but I don't know exactly what the protocol is for that, so we will see. 

When we went out the first few times I put underwear on him (So he can feel it) and then a pull-up over that.  He also has a pair of cloth training pants called Charlie Banana that I've used several times when we have been out.  Then, we worked to get him used to sitting on the big potty too. 

Now, I just leave him in underwear and make sure to have extra underwear and extra pants with at all times, just in case. 

Thus far, he's only had one accident out in public, but he has told me that he has to go potty several times, and we have made it to public restrooms lots of times. 

Another thing that helped Finn is that he has a DVD called "Elmo Potty time"  Finn LOVES Elmo and when I saw this video I had to get it, and he watches it ALL THE TIME.  He absolutely loves it, I don't know if it helps, but he LOVES it. 

For the first two weeks, we gave him a mini M&M each time he had to go, and then made a potty chart where he could put a sticker each time he went.  After he went on the potty five times he got a prize out of the prize bin (Stickers were a big hit, hot wheels, books, animals, etc.  dollar store or dollar section stuff).  This worked really well.  We also made a huge deal about showing his chart to everyone that came over, and if no one was here he would show his chart to Ella and either Randy/I whoever didn't give him the sticker.  We also would call people and have him tell them what he did.  Our goal was to get him to feel proud of himself, and I know it worked for him. 

Last weekend we were gone a lot, and the stickers and prize bin just kind of fell by the wayside and naturally we eased off of them.  Now, we still do the M&M's, lots of praise and a prize/sticker at the end of the day for a no-accident day (and honestly, I think I'd do a prize at the end of the day for a mostly-accident free day too because I just would/will). 

So...that's what we did.  I think it worked really well and would definitely try it again (though I've heard that every kid is very different).  I don't know if anyone will want to know this information, but I will want to remember it at some point (hopefully), so feel free to not read if you don't want to (should have put that at the beginning, huh?). 

Love

Sometimes I wonder if my parents felt the same way (about me) that I feel about Finn.  It's difficult to conceptualize that someone loves me as much as I love him.  That they would do anything for me, even if that meant that they wouldn't do something because they wanted to make sure that I would learn a lesson, or learn to do something, or even just to learn that life isn't always easy and perfect.

I think you realize so much more what your parents did for you when you have children.  What they did right, and what you want to change, but the love is the same. 

I have to believe that my parents looked at me as a child and thought "wow, she is beautiful, I can't believe that we created her."  I think that on a daily basis. 

The fact that I love Finn so much, has forced me to look at myself a bit differently these past few weeks.

Randy and I did Whole 30, and much like every diet I am on, we failed.  I haven't eaten meat in almost a week, and I already feel better about life.  Eating meat was such a difficult decision for me, and I feel like I should have done this months ago.  I am not saying I'm eating "clean" or "healthy" or even well, but I feel more like me again. 

I have such a hard time looking at myself these days and finding anything that I like about the way I look.

Yesterday I was at school, and went to the bathroom, and they have a full-length mirror in there (which, under normal circumstances, I am morally opposed to). I looked at myself, and I thought for a split second, "I hate my body."

But then...apparently I was feeling rather philosophical...I thought to myself that body created Finn, and it birthed him and fed him for 19 months...and it's pretty fucking awesome.

So, while I am trying to eat a bit healthier, and trying to do Jillian Michaels (I hate that bitch btw) 5 days a week...I am also going to try to remember that while my body isn't perfect, it's doing it's job...and I'm happy with that.

General updates

I'm sorry I'm not the most interesting blogger as of late. 

I mean, let's be honest, I was never a terribly interesting blogger...but, lately things have been really dry.

When I say dry, what I really mean is...things are mostly great.  I have nothing to bitch and complain about...and it's WEIRD. 

So sometimes I think about what I should blog about...my great day?  Finn? Photography?  Life?  And it all seems so damn happy and cheerful, and I'm not necessarily the most happy and cheerful person, so it seems weird and fake and dishonest in some way...so then I just don't blog.

On that note, I will give you a brief synopsis of what's been going on lately. 

1.  I still love my job, like a ridiculous amount.  On Friday the kids were jumping on the couch after we made a fort, and I was being the monster who came to attack the fort.  After a really awesome attack (if I do say so myself), Gus gave me a hug and said "I love you Bocky" and I could have died of the cute. 

2.  Whole30...well, much like...every other diet I ever try Whole30 didn't quite turn out the way I planned.  Randy and I went to a wedding in Indianapolis...and, well, it was the first time we had spent the night away from Finn since he was born...and so we wanted to drink...a lot.  So we did, and we ate whatever we wanted, and that turned into Saturday and Sunday eating pretty much whatever.  Then we got back on track for another week, and then Friday came along and I blew it all.  It was my fault and I peer-pressured Randy to eat like crap too.  It sucked, and I feel way worse in general since starting to eat not-so-great again, but...I'm so apathetic about it.  In better news, I have done the 30 day shred for the last 4 days, so I guess that's something. 

3.  I'm pretty convinced that Finn is a genius.  I mean I know it COULD be that I'm his mother.  And it COULD be that I'm a bit biased.  He can count to ten, and yesterday he counted to 8 without any prompting.  He repeats everything, and I stopped counting the words he says months ago.  He knows a few of his colors already...and he is (normally) just the sweetest child ever.  Don't get me wrong, he has his moments where I want to ring his adorable little neck, but still...I'm pretty proud of him!

4.  I have to go to the gynecologist today.  This could be TMI for some of you, but I just thought I'd share...I am going to an actual doctor now because my midwife unexpectedly left the practice, so I'm nervous about that.  Also, I thought I had a sitter for Finn, but turns out I don't...so I have to bring him with...which is going to be all sorts of uncomfortable and ridiculous.  Hopefully it goes quickly, as I haven't had a pap done since Finn was born (oops). 

5.  I am (seriously) almost done Christmas shopping...and I'm hardcore happy about it.  Finn is completely done, and I have less than 10 gifts to buy...I have never been done this quickly, and I'm loving it. 

Happy October everyone! 

Juice, jobs and boobs.

Yeah, it's been a while since I talked about my boobs, so I thought it was about time.

Also...it's 10pm and I'm exceptionally tired, and this post is going to meander a bit.  

But, first things first.  This week has been challenging.  I have started back at school officially.  Last week was a Crier week, and doing everything was more difficult than I anticipated.  I am used to feeling happy/relaxed most of the time now; and last week brought me back to crappy times, and it was sad. 

I still don't know if it was the right thing to do, should I have come back to school, even in this small capacity?  I don't know.  I'm struggling to work with another teacher, and I'm struggling to bond with students because I'm not with them all day.  If I were to keep doing this, then that will only get more and more difficult. 

However, I love watching the kids...more than I could have imagined.  Today we made a fort, watched Up (it was a rainy day), played outside and did a lot of playing, snacking, etc.  It is just so much fun.  If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would be doing this, I would have screamed "hell no!" but here I am, and I love it.  Randy asked me about how my day was the other day, and I replied, "Oh it was okay, today was exhausting!" and I quickly said, "but even my worst day is better than my best day last year."  It's just good, which is so great to feel after such a tumultuous year last year.

Okay, now on to juice.  I have told some people about Randy and I's 3 day juice detox diet.  We watched a documentary called "Fat, sick and nearly dead" and were inspired to try a juice detox.  So we did it, last weekend we drank only juice for 72 hours.  It totally sucked, but it helped us a lot.  It got us through the withdrawal from caffeine, carbs and sugar without too much pain, and it helped us jumpstart our new "diet." 

We have started the whole30 diet.  This means 30 days of no processed foods, no dairy, no sugar, no flour, etc.  It's basically: meat, nuts, fruits, vegetables and some seasonings/oils/good fats.  After doing the juice fast, this felt like a thanksgiving feast.  It's been (almost) a week and I'm down 8 pounds, feeling no cravings, more energized and much less moody.  Randy is down 10 pounds.  So, tomorrow is day 7, and we are both feeling pretty good about it...I'll try to update a bit more later.


Now, here's my actual blog right now.  Finn is 19 months old.  This week, I think we have officially stopped breastfeeding.  I haven't breastfed him in 2 days.  This is a strange sentence for me to write.  I have never really wanted to wean him.  It's not an inconvenience for me to feed him, it's really a joy. 

I am a huge proponent of breastfeeding in case you didn't know.  I think it's really great for you, your child, their health.  I think it's fabulous.  I had a really hard time when I began breastfeeding, and I wanted to stop and give up so many times, but I did it...and I am DAMN proud of myself for it.

Throughout my breastfeeding time I have heard a LOT of jackass comments about breastfeeding.  My least favorite...maybe EVER is "when they are old enough to ask for it, they are TOO old."  Finn has been "asking for it" by saying "num num" for 6-8 months.  It's completely adorable, and I loved it every single time he did it.

I am feeling...weird about the fact that I am done.  I feel happy and proud because I breastfed as long as I did.  According to the United States "Breastfeeding Report Card 2010" in the state of Indiana 70.6% of mothers are breastfeeding exclusively when they leave the hospital, by the time the child is 12 months old only 16.9% continue to breastfeed their child, at 18 months fewer than 7% of women breastfeed their child.

Here's the thing, I am not saying ANY of this to make anyone feel bad, I don't care how you choose to feed your child, you have to do what works for you!  All I am saying is that I am DAMN proud of myself for breastfeeding Finn until 19.5 months old.  I just am...and I should be able to say it, so I am.

I am also incredibly sad about stopping...because it means what it always means, he is one step closer to not needing me anymore.  It's just CRAZY to me how old my little man is getting, but he is so awesome at the same time.

Tonight while I was putting him to sleep, right before he fell asleep he said (in a state of lethargy and half-sleep), "Bye Gus! Bye V! Bye Mama!  Bye Choo-choo train! 

Crazy, giant, wonderful boy.  

From Mama to Mommy

This week Finn started calling me "Mommy," now I think that Finn is quite a good talker, and he has been saying Mama for...I don't know how long, probably 10 months or so.  But it's always been Mama, not Mommy.

All of a sudden, this week it's Mommy.  And it's been a hard transition for me.  Randy thinks I'm insane, he keeps asking me "why do you care?"

Here's my answer...because Mommy is going to turn into Mom, which will turn into Ma, which is basically just another sign that my little guy is growing up.

I legitimately want to be a mother who loves that her little one is getting bigger, and growing and learning and becoming who they are...but it's hard.  It's hard to know that each and every day brings Finn closer and closer to not needing me anymore, and he is so much of my life. 


It's crazy.

Well, hello again!

I'm back!  I took a much needed blogging break, but a shorter break from facebook, twitter, pinterest and instagram.  Overall, it was good and I discovered a few things.  I like blogging, and I like facebook, and I like social media; however, I need to limit who sees these things, and severely limit whose posts I see on facebook.

I know I am incredibly oversensitive, but that's who I am and so I am going to streamline (and already have a lot) what posts I see, what I don't and who I am allowing to see pictures/posts/etc.

Other than this piece of information that I know all five of you are so enthralled with, things have been great.

Finn and I had a great last few weeks of summer...we went to the zoo, to the beach, and just spent a lot of time doing so many things. The summer of Finn was a huge success!

Last week, I started my new job.  I am watching a friend's two kids three days a week. Now, like any rational human being I was a bit nervous before starting.  However, I am happy to report that I absolutely love doing this.

Randy told me that he hasn't seen me this happy in months, and I feel like all the pieces of life are just sliding into place.  I feel like not only am I having a great time with these three kids, I am being a better mother to Finn because three days out of the week, I am dedicating 100% of my time to playing with these three kids.  I'm not trying to get editing done, or run errands, or go shopping or do anything except play and be 100% present in their day.  It's awesome.  Seriously, I am really having a ton of fun. 

The only thing that I am still a bit nervous about is that I haven't done both...I decided at the end of last year that I would do the addendum position at the high school.  I don't know if this was a mistake or not.  September 7 will be our first paper, and I am going into school on Monday to meet with some people too.  I don't have any desire to do this right now, and while I want to help the program, I am wondering if it was a mistake for me.

The good news is, I have been really clear with administration that I don't know what/where I'll be next year, so after this year, if I don't like it, I don't have to do it.  We will see.

Okay, well I know this is a boring blog post, but that's what has been happening. 

I'll be back. 

Technology overload

A few things have happened in the last few days that have made me seriously question myself.  I am going to be pretty blatantly honest in this post, so...there's that.

First, my cell phone broke and I was without a phone for almost 24 hours.  This was anxiety-inducing in a somewhat embarrassing way.  It shouldn't be that awful for me to live my life without a phone for one day, but it was.

Second, yesterday Finn cried when he left my parents house.  I know that the rational part of my brain should be happy about this.  I should be glad that he loves my parents house so much, and I really am.  The kid practically jumps out of my arms to go to my mom every time we go there.  He starts yelling "PAPA PAPA PAPA!"  when we are a half-mile away.  The irrational, sappy part of me  thought that I had more time with him wanting me and only me.  Finn has never shook his head "no" when I held out my arms to him, or cried when he came to me...until yesterday. 

Randy and I went to movie, and afterwards we picked him up and he cried and cried when I took him out of my mom and dad's house.  It was really sad to me in a selfish/irrational "you're mine" kind of way.  But it was also sad to me in a "Wow, kid, you're more grown-up than I realize" kind of way. 

Then, today I read this blog http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/

It's about being connected too much, and always having your phone with you, etc. etc.  Now, some of the things in this article I don't do and I have never done.  But others, I HAVE done, and I do them often, and it embarrassed me.

I put this together with the first two things, and it really made me think.  Am I missing Finn's childhood?  Am I not paying enough attention?  Am I on this blog, facebook, instagram, etc. documenting his life rather than sitting with him and LIVING his life?

What am I doing?

So, after thinking about this for a while, I made a decision that I hope to follow.  I am signing out of all social networking for a while.  My actual long-term goal is to sign out completely until August.  However, being as addicted as I am, my short term goal is a week.  If I make it a week, I can reevaluate from there.

Now, I have to be on facebook for the photography company every once in a while, so here are my rules.
-  Remove facebook, twitter, instagram and pinterest from my phone.
-  Do not blog, update statuses, tweet etc. at all.
-  Do not POST any pictures of ANYTHING I do.  (I am a photographer, I can't stop taking pictures, sorry)
-  Do not check facebook, blogs, pinterest, twitter, etc.  while I am in the car/with Finn in any way.
-  Do not check them at all unless it is for business purposes.  

I am tired of being "checked in" so much.  I am tired of reading people's posts and wondering "is that about me?" or being offended by someone's political leanings, etc.  I need to relax, I need to let it go.  I need to experience life with my son. 

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I am so full of self-loathing.  I feel like I'm not good enough in so many different and distinct ways.  My weight (probably the worst of my self-loathing comes from this), my looks, my mothering, my working out, my marriage, my home, my business...and I need to find some way to streamline, and to make myself see the beauty around me. 

It is there.  I know it is, because I just snuggled my son to sleep, and I thought to myself "how is it possible to love someone so much?"  I just get angry with myself for not being better for him, for not being good enough, and I need to change that in a lot of ways.  (I realize that giving myself a fucking break is one of those ways).

So, I'm taking a break from making myself feel bad.  I'm going to try to eat well (no craziness, just eat well), work out, feel good about myself, and love my son and cherish every second I have with him. 

I am officially starting on July 5th, but my guess is that it might be a bit sooner. 

I will be back (at least to this blog) to report.  I can't be sure about facebook, twitter or instagram.  I have a problem. 

iPhone

It's completely pathetic how dependent we are on technology.  And by "we", I mean ME! 

Yesterday my iPhone just randomly stopped working...like it worked on the drive to my dad's work, and didn't work on the way home from my dad's work...won't turn on, won't charge, won't even read the charger.

I about had a heart attack.  I had to drive home from Bridgeview without a phone, and today I have to spend the entire morning without a phone.  Why does this feel like a cataclysmic problem?  Why did Randy leave me a note this morning that said, " email me before you leave, and calll me when you get to Orland via payphone.  Don't leave there without a phone!"

Well, there are a few reasons, and I'm going to tell you all about them.

1.  We  are part of this new generation that doesn't have a house phone.  When I don't have a phone, I have no connection to the outside world.  If my child chokes or something similar, I have no way to connect to the outside world except to run outside my house.  This gives me all sorts of anxiety.  The only reason I can really think that this makes me so anxious is (tangent) one time my dog got out of my house in the freezing cold, and my phone was dead, and I literally ran out into the street and flagged down a police officer with no coat and bare feet.  I was that piece of trash. 

2.  My phone isn't just my phone it's a LOT of things

• It's my only connection to my best friends.  Allison and Ashley aren't living in my area right now, and they are the first people that I talk to when I am feeling mad/sad/upset or whatever.  And right now I have no way to contact either of them. 
• It's my connection to social networking, which I am clearly addicted to.  I only update facebook, twitter and instagram through my phone.
• It's my book!  When I'm bored I read, and I am usually only bored when I am waiting for something.
• It's Finn's entertainment...Finn has books, games and various other things on the iphone, and if he throws a fit, it's a sure-fire way to get him to calm down.
• It's my iPod.  It's the way I listen to music in the morning, in my car, and any other place I'd like,
• It's my notepad/to-do list.  I have my to-do list, schedule and notes on my phone.  I don't have them anywhere else.  Finn and I have gymnastics this morning, and I had no idea where/when/what to where because all of those notes were saved within my phone.

I'm sure there are more, but it's depressing me to think about this.

3.  I went to the AT&T store and they wanted to charge me $450 for a new iphone, and that's a "discounted" price.  Are you effing kidding me?  I literally cried when I left the store because I didn't know what I would do until I get a new phone.

So, I called good 'ole Apple, and I have an appointment at "the genius bar" at 12.  Maybe they can fix my phone, and maybe they can't.

And maybe I need to spend some time thinking about the fact that my phone is so important to me.  It's a bit sad.  

The start of summer

So far, summer is just as good as I remembered it :)

Finn and I have taken a long walk each morning, usually ended that walk by going to the park.  Then we head out on our errands for the day...or we go to the pool (Papa's pool that is), or we go play outside.  It is really fun.  I was prepared for this, I was prepared for the laziness, fun and general lethargy.

I wasn't prepared for boredom.  I have been so ever-loving busy for the past 10 months of my life.  I have not had ONE day in which I did not have to accomplish something, and most days I have to do about 50 jobs.  A 'typical' day is (WAS) as follows:
6:00 (on a good day) wake up and feed Finn, get both of us dressed and ready to go
7:00: Drop Finn off at Laura's and head to school
7:15: Walk down to the photo room and set up the darkroom (and check mail)
7:45:  School
10:00:  Plan period--run to Target/grocery store/ etc. and get errands done for the day
10:30: Back to school
3:30:  Leave school and pick Finn up and bring him back to school with me
5:00: Officially leave school with Finn, pick up dinner
5:30:  Get home, do laundry, feed Ella, straighten up, eat dinner.
6:30: Bath, read stories, play
7:45:  Get ready for bed, and read/play with iPad
8:00: Finn goes to sleep (?? usually??  He has no sleep schedule)
8:30: Finish laundry, shower,  get things ready for tomorrow, straighten up more
9:30: crash into bed/read/finish any school work

So, now like 90% of that list is gone, which I am ecstatic for, but it's WEIRD.


So, last Sunday I had that day...that day I had been waiting for...the day to do NOTHING!  I was just sitting around at home playing with Finn...and I was bored.  I didn't have a photoshoot, I didn't have papers to grade, I didn't have pictures to edit, or a book I had to get through before Monday.  I just was there.

And I felt bad, because this is what I have wanted for so long.  And I felt bored by it all.

Already, I am getting back into the swing of things...finding things to do with Finn: playdates with friends, music classes, photo shoots, etc.  And that feels good, but what does it mean?

I am rambling, I know...because I am at school right now copying files and packing things up...and I can.


So, those are my thoughts for today.

"Na" means "yes"

Yesterday was my last "official" day with students at Munster.  For those of you who don't know, and most people know at this point--I won't be returning to teaching this fall. 

This is for a lot of reasons, and I don't want to get into it right now because it doesn't matter.  It's been a really difficult year for me in a lot of ways, and I know that this is the right thing to do for my family. 

However, this week was a really hard one for me too, because no matter how much these kids annoy me...they are my second family, and I really do love them. 

Tuesday was our journalism banquet, and I was reminded  through all the senior recognition, staff reminiscing and senior byes how truly amazing these kids are--how talented, fun, passionate, and funny they really are.  I cried...more than was socially acceptable.

Wednesday, I had to tell them that I won't be returning next year.  It was one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time, and I cried the entire way through my speech.  It was really hard, but they were really understanding, and supportive (which almost made it worse).

And then Thursday happened.  It's no secret that out of all my students--my Crier students are some of my favorites.  Thursday was the last time that this staff--one of the most celebrated, and award-winning staffs that Munster has ever seen--would be together.  We read a letter from one of the most verbose, emotional students I have ever known that brought even the largest and manliest of us to tears.  Then, they presented me with this box.  It was full of red starbursts, Dove chocolates, panera gift cards, a hand-made bracelet, a photo album, and a hand-written letter from each student on my staff. I wish I could fully explain what this means to me, but I can't.  The fact that these kids know me well enough to know how special each one of these items would be, the fact that they know that I only eat red starbursts, and sat that and picked out all of them from a bag...they will never know what that really means to me. 

It's acknowledgment of what I did for the past year, that when I left Finn it was for a reason.  That what I did meant something, not just to me, but to them too.  I can't explain how happy, sad, and overwhelmed it made me feel.

After that, we decided to do a bit of staff bonding, and we sat in a circle and dubbed in "Circle of emotion" time...where they talked about their favorite memories on staff, and then talked about what this staff meant to them, and how it shaped who they are as individuals.  I listened, and cried, and remembered how amazing these kids are.  It was great...and terrible all at the same time.

Now, you may be wondering about the title of this post, well one day last week, I was begging asking one of my students to make me these amazing cookies he makes (crownies).  I said "You told Finn that you would make them."
He responded, "I know, but I told Finn that I'd make chocolate chip cookies."
Me: "I know, but he asked me PERSONALLY for crownies."
Him:  "No, I said 'Finn, do you want chocolate chip cookies?' and he said 'Na' and 'Na' means 'yes'"

And I stopped in my tracks.  Because I am telling you with 100% certainty that there are very VERY few people who know that "na" means "yes."  It reminded me of what we are here at the Pub...an insanely dysfunctional family.  Full of crazies, and big opinions, and loud mouths, and a lot of fighting and a lot of love.

I don't think I'll ever love a group of students like I loved this one.  They are special, and I can't wait to see what they do. 

Restless

*Sidenote
Sometimes I worry about coming "here" to complain.  Sometimes I think "people must hate me" or "I don't want to bore everyone."  And while I sat here thinking about what to write, and wanting to complain I thought those thoughts, but then I remembered.  I write this for me.  I write this as a journal, so I can look back at this time in my life and remember what I really thought, really felt, how much I was in love with Finn, and how good things were...AND how bad things were. I'm not trying to sugar-coat life here.  I want to look back at this and know that I wasn't writing for anyone except me.

So, while I appreciate if you like to read this blog, and I always appreciate if you comment or leave advice...I also need to have a spot to just be able to bitch and complain sometimes.  Because, no one wants to hear me complain on a daily basis, and I'm pretty sure people are getting sick of me.  But I'd rather have this sound real, than have it be some fake "everything is butterflies and rainbows" look at my life.

 I'm not saying things are really bad, but this has ABSOLUTELY been a really difficult year for me.  And I've had serious struggles with what to do for Finn, and what to do for myself, and my family and felt alone and scared and like I'm a failure and a bad mother.  And I'm not going to hide from that...it's real and it's what I've dealt with.  I want to remember that too. 

I want to remember 10 years down the road when a new friend has a new baby what I felt like, so I can offer support.  I want to remember 30 years down the road when Finn has his babies what hurt my feelings, and how people treated me, and how scary it was so I can support him. 

So yeah, that's my long-winded way of apologizing for complaining...but not REALLY apologizing for complaining.

*End of side-note.

So, this past week has been insane AGAIN.  I'm so sick of everything feeling insane.  First, Finn got the stomach bug, I got it on Friday, which REALLY sucked for a lot of reasons:
1.  I felt awful and horrible
2.  I felt awful that this is how Finn had felt the day before.
3.  I had to shoot a wedding on Saturday, for 10 hours, in 90 degree heat.

So I was scared that I wouldn't be able to shoot, but thankful that I had gotten it Friday and not Saturday...and REALLY thankful that my dad is consistently there for me, and left work early to pick Finn up from daycare and brought him to my parent's house and watched him until Randy picked him up.  The worst was over at that point, and because what does my pain matter, Randy went out to mow the lawn.

Karma came back and got him because he got sick on Sunday, which didn't make me HAPPY, but I definitely said at one point "do you think you could watch Finn while I run out to target" so that he knew how it felt.

There was also some drama over the weekend that was exceptionally sad. 

So overall, not a great weekend.  This week, not so great either.  It's a Crier week (AGAIN!!!) and so I'm here all night every night.  I have no one to watch Finn for a few days this week, which I am stressing out about...my parents are watching him like 4-5 times in the next few weeks, and I feel bad asking them again, but it looks like I'm going to have to because no one else has gotten back to me.   I HATE asking people to watch Finn, but not as much as I hate having him at school MISERABLE. 

Anyways, remember the title of this blog?  Like 55 years ago?  That's what I wanted to talk about originally.  I am so damn restless.  There are so many things that I want to do/want to be doing and I don't have time to do any of them.  I got a new jogging stroller, and haven't used it.  I want to start knitting...no time.  I want to...I want to....I want to...

I have rambled on much too long, so I am going to stop now.

Hope your week is calm! :)

The puke heard round the world...

Listen, if you can't deal with vomit...you should stop reading this.  Because it's TMI "mommy-style".

Yesterday night Finn and I were especially tired.  We actually snuggled and fell asleep on the couch at 8:15, and I got up and moved to the bed at 8:30 to wait for Randy to get home.  Well we apparently fell asleep and were out long before that.  It's a good thing we went to sleep early...at 1:00 am Finn woke up vomiting.  A lot.

It was disgusting.  A lot. 

This happened about every half hour from 1-5.  It was awesome.  I called off work around 2:45 am.  Have I mentioned that Finn has been sick so much this year that I have no sick days left?  Do you know how many sick days teachers get?  A LOT!  And I have used all of mine, plus more.  Geez kid, give me a break.

So, I have been lucky enough to not have to deal with the puking much.  Finn wasn't a very spitty baby, and he didn't spit up a lot.  He's only actually vomited one other time.  I did not handle it well.  The first time it happened he threw up all over the bed, and all over me.  Randy had to change the sheets while I brought him into the bathroom and stripped him and myself down.  Then we covered the bed with towels, which had to be changed out every half hour for the rest of the night. 

He woke up a bit better, and only vomited once more around 8 am.  He then took a long nap from 9:30-12...that is absolutely unheard of for him. 

While he napped I cleaned up the vomit.  Seriously...our entire house smelled like vomit...and I'm pretty sure that 12 hours later it is gone.  The smell at least. 

I hate vomit.  Like I would totally choose poopy diapers over vomit.  Vomit only makes me want to vomit.  

It just really sicks me out. 

And it made me sad, because I had to cancel a photo shoot.  I have been trying extremely hard to get the photography business going this year.  Randy and I have invested literally thousands of dollars into new equipment and software.  We have invested hundreds of dollars into education (workshops, etc.)...and I have been reading, and trying new things with poses and learning what works for me--refining my style as a photographer.  Not to mention that I have been shooting A LOT.  Taking a lot of time away from Finn, doing hours and hours of editing for each session that I shoot. 

It makes me feel awful to let down a client.  A client who could refer other clients to us, and I let someone down.  I know how upsetting that would be to me if I had a photo shoot scheduled.  And it feels like I had to take a step back today because of it. 

I'm super glad that Finn is feeling better, because there is nothing worse than being powerless to help your little one.  So overall, pukefest is getting better. 

Did I mention that there are 10 school days left this year?  OMG I cannot wait.

Holy week.

This week has been intense.  Like really intense.  This is interesting, because at school it's only been a 3-day week.  However, it's also a Crier week.  Doesn't it feel like it's ALWAYS a Crier week?  Me too. 

So Monday, while the rest of the teacher's in my district were shopping and playing with their kids, I dropped Finn off at Laura's and came in to school.  I was at school from 8-3:30, I went grocery shopping before I came in.

Tuesday I didn't have to go in to school, so I took Finn to get a haircut, and then to the park.  After the park, I--once again--dropped him off at daycare to go take photos of my new nephew.  That is my other job, and it is really fun, but also really intense. 

Have I mentioned that not ONCE this week has Randy gotten home from work before 8:30?  It's awesome.  This is what single-parenting is like.  It's not his fault, and I'm not blaming him (at all), but it really sucks. 

Wednesday I went in to school, and I edited pictures all day long because my classes were working independently.  It was great because I actually got all the editing done for that session by the end of the day.  I picked Finn up after school and brought him back to the Pub, where we stayed until 7:30.  We left in a very dramatic fashion while Finn threw a huge tantrum about NOT wanting to eat any soup.  It was (not) fun. Super (not) fun (not even a little bit). 

Thursday was a regular school day, but a Crier Thursday, and a highly stressful day.  I picked Finn up after school  and brought him to my parent's house.  And realized that I forgot extra diapers at home, so had to go home and get some, and bring them back to my parent's.  It sucked.  I picked Finn up around 8:00, after my editor had a serious meltdown about paper, and brought him home.  Randy got home at 9:00 and put Finn to bed. 

Today is Friday...I have a wedding to shoot in Indianapolis all day tomorrow.  My parents are watching Finn...again.  Gosh I hate having to ask people to watch him.  It makes me feel terrible.  

Sunday is Mother's Day.  I have no idea if Randy will even be able to take it off, and my thought is no...so, that's not really celebratory for me.  It's not really a celebration at all.  I have had to plan half of it, which I really resent.  I don't understand why Father's day gets to be this big celebration, but there are a lot of fathers that can't get their shit together to celebrate the women that do EVERYTHING for them in their lives, so I have to deal with it.  And it pisses me off.  I don't feel celebrated at all at this point.  That was kind of a side-rant.  Whatever.

Anyways...an entirely other side of this is that I had to make official decisions about some things this week, and tell the people that matters. I'll talk more about this later, because it's still a bit new right now.  I'm excited about these changes, but I'm also a bit nervous, and a bit sad about changes.  I have never been a huge change person. 

Overall...an insane week.  It will be followed by another insane week including two photo shoots, another wedding and my Grandpa's 96th birthday party. 

Gosh...I really need a break...and it's a good thing one is coming and I can't wait to write about "the summer of Finn."

Happy May :)

Hello. It's me again. I don't know why I started that way, but I did. I'm going to write in a semi-stream-of-consciousness way today...so you are in for a treat (sarcasm? completely!). The last several days have been interesting. I don't know why but things have started to turn. I am in a better mood, I am feeling more optimistic, and I am feeling less crabby. It's pretty great. We even have all the laundry done around our house, which is a HUGE, HUGE feat for us.

I'm pretty sure that it's because it is May. It is FINALLY May...30 days left until the last day of school. Then I have two glorious months off. I cannot wait. The last several days have been pretty fun. Last week on Friday Finn was sick again, and I was at the end of my rope. I took the day off and I'm relatively certain that it was unpaid because I have no more sick days (that's how sick this child has been all year...poor baby). I was incredibly frustrated, but took him to the doctor. The doctor said that it was probably either allergies or a cold, and that there was nothing we could do (that's what they always say). Suffice it to say that he started to feel better pretty quickly after that. I had to take him to work with me twice during the day (while I had the day off, what?). He was so crabby that he wanted to be held while I got 10 cameras ready for students to take out for the weekend to shoot their photo projects, and by the time I left I was dripping sweat. We survived the day anyways, and I geared up for the next day.

 Saturday came and I had two photo sessions--which is AMAZING. I am so happy with where I've been going photographically lately. I've been trying to read as much as possible, and learn as much as possible and make my craft something that I'm truly proud of (I'm not saying that it wasn't already, I just want to keep growing and getting better and better). After the three sessions I had last week, I really felt like I was noticing a difference in my style. I love the photos from all three sessions, and I was so proud of what I had given to these people--I felt proud of my work. I haven't always felt like that after each session.

 Sunday Finn and I went to Grant's 6th birthday party, it was at a place called Monkey Joe's and Finn had SO SO SO much fun. He loved every second of that place. I seriously need to look into a summer membership. The only downside of it was that on the way home he just coughed and coughed and coughed. I'm pretty sure everyone in the car thought I was a horrible mother, and my mom kept saying incredulously "The doctor didn't give him anything?"

 There is nothing more challenging for me than keeping my mouth shut when people say those kinds of things to me. I know she didn't mean anything by it, and people who have said things in the past don't mean anything by it either. But, it makes me feel like a bad mother...and there is NOTHING IN THE WORLD that I want more than to be a good mom to Finn. It's hard because I second guess each and every decision I make. My mind is a constant stream of "Am I making the right decisions? Should I let him have some french fries? Should I spend $3 more on organic cheese? Should I let him sleep in our bed? In our room? In his bed? Am I messing my child up? Should I be reading to him more? Less? Should I let him watch no tv? Some TV? How much? Am I doing this well?" and for someone to question decisions that I make, when I already question them enough for all of us, is rough. I don't know if the doctor did the right thing by not giving him anything, but I'm not a doctor...and I'm trying to do the best I can.

 Monday was okay, and Tuesday was okay even though we stayed after school for yearbook. I've gotten almost all my grading done, and I am working to finish some things up here at school.  Things just feel easier. I am even trying to give up pop (again) and starting to worry more about eating/exercise again. I'm just hopeful that things keep getting easier and easier.

 Here's hoping that it continues :)

23 days and counting.

Yep, that's right. 23 more school days, and I am telling you I cannot wait. I.CANNOT. WAIT! I am in such a crappy mood, like the type of mood where everything that every person I know says makes me want to jump off a bridge. It just sucks. It could be (in part) due to the fact that Finn let me sleep for a bit over 3 hours last night to make up for my night away. Yesterday, after 36 hours straight with students we stopped at Dairy Queen before finishing the last hour of our trip. I was joking around with one of my students, and we were talking about the show Glee. Student: "I'll log you into my Amazon account tomorrow during fourth hour and you can watch Glee" Me: "Umm...I have to actually work during 4th hour tomorrow." Student: "I mean how much attention do you really put into your job anyways?" It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I mean, I know we were joking around and bantering back and forth. I get it. But I just spent an entire day away from my family for THIS bullshit. For you to tell me that I don't care about my job? Yeah, because I love going on 4 field trips a year...and spending days and days away from home so that you can learn more about professional journalism. It's awesome. Are you kidding me? I literally did not say one more word the entire trip. Each and every time I start the think to myself that this job is worth it, something like that happens and it's a kick in the ass to me, and it's sad because the rest of the trip was really good, and I actually had fun with those kids. We went bowling and went out to dinner, and they are just good kids. I know that he didn't mean it in a mean way, but I can't help it. I can't help but be so damn tired of it all. Randy keeps saying to me "It's almost over...only another month" and all I keep thinking is "THERE IS STILL ANOTHER MONTH!?!?!?!" On top of all that, I think that I may have to deactivate facebook, because I am just taking things that people say much too personally. I just feel insane all the time, and I put too much emotional energy into what others are doing/saying/feeling, when it's none of my business. I know this. But I am just angry at the world. Maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind, maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Maybe I'll sleep, and be able to do laundry, and clean my house (which hasn't been cleaned in 3 weeks). Maybe I'll get to talk to my sister for real, or someone who actually wants to hear what I say, not just surface-talk to me. I just hope this passes, and I feel like a human again. A real person who can have real relationships again. In the words of Finn, "blech."

Leaving on a...mini bus.

One of the things that I absolutely LOVED about journalism as a 17 year-old idealist was the field trips. We went to nationals all over the country, and state convention and various other trips throughout the years.

One of the things that I have a love/hate relationship as a 29 year-old idealist is the field trips. I know that they are INVALUABLE to the students, but this is the fourth field trip this year for me, and the third one that is overnight for at least one night.

I have been fortunate enough to have been able to take Finn with me for two of them, but I didn't have anyone to come with me for this one to watch him. So...the inevitable is happening. I am leaving him here with...his father. :)

I have serious mixed-feelings about this. I've never been away from him for so long, and I know that will be difficult. I will miss him. I will also be ridiculously pissed about the fact that I have to PUMP. Yuck. I HATE pumping so much.

I'm also worried about him. I'm worried about him being crabby for Daddy, or feeling like I'm gone for good...and lots of other obviously irrational things.

However...this is the part that I would like you to refrain from judging me about (Really, I don't give a shit if you judge me...because I know everyone does it).

I am really excited to sleep all night long in a bed by myself. Like...really excited.

It's also completely, disgustingly sad to me that taking 11 teenagers down to southern Indiana is considered "alone time." Wtf is that, right?


So, in approximately 12 minutes I will make my way to the mini-bus, load up and drive to Ball State with 11 teenagers. This is what constitutes relaxation. Geez. Hoping that everything goes well for us...but also for Randy and Finn and my parents (who are watching Finn tomorrow after daycare).

Yikes.

Here we go again.

Welp. Remember fit to fat? Yeah, I haven't been doing that so much. Remember weight watchers? I haven't been doing that either.

Consistent? Not so much.

However, I'm writing this down (seriously kind of embarrassed, but making myself do it). Yesterday I started to try to do the Insanity workouts.

I was inspired by two of my good friends--Chrisanne & Beth. Chrisanne just recently finished a P90X 'bout and looks AWESOME. Beth started training for (ANOTHER!) half-marathon and has always been all-about kicking my ass into gear.

I am going to try to do the diet along with the work-outs. I started the workouts this past Saturday, and almost copped out of doing it today, but I didn't. It sucked. And I'm already sore, but I really want to do this. I really want to make some changes.

So, I'm going to try. I'm going to try to do this workout routine for the next two months and see what happens. I'm going to try to start the diet this week. I am going on an overnight field trip from Tuesday-Wednesday, so I am leaving things open a bit until Thursday, but trying to still eat well.

I'd love support...but more than anything I'd love for all of you to tell me how much I CANNOT do this. Because absolutely nothing motivates me as much as proving people wrong.

Does that mean there's something wrong with me?

Probably.

I live for little moments like this.

Despite the busyness that comes along with Crier weeks, there are also ALWAYS sweet moments. From both my "kids" and my actual kid. I never get over how genuinely excited my students are to see Finn when he comes in (and he comes in quite often, especially now that Randy is working so much overtime). They all play with him, and talk to him and are just so genuinely sweet to him.

Then, there are my Finn moments. These are moments that are so deliciously perfect that it almost hurts. When they happen, I try so hard to soak it in, and to remember each and every moment. There were two specific moments like this this week.

The first happened on Tuesday. I came home from work, and Randy was playing with Finn. I came in, scooped him up and took him outside into the backyard. Randy came outside with us, and I watched the two people I love most in the entire world play together. Randy pushed Finn in his little, red, plastic car and Finn squealed out of happiness. I sat on the swing and watched, and my insides just felt happy. It's a crazy out-of-body type moment when you realize that your dreams are coming true right in front of you. I watched this perfect child, who loves his Daddy so much play in his yard. Ella was running back and forth and it was just perfect. Simple and perfect.

It happened again today. Just recently, we have made Friday night "movie night." We don't usually let Finn watch any television, but now that he's over a year, we let him watch a movie with us on Friday night. Tonight we watched Up (one of my favorites). And before tonight I've never really seen him be involved in a movie before.

Tonight he pointed and said "dog" when Doug came on the screen. He said "Bird" when Kevin came on. And he laughed his little head off at a few parts. The best part? He sat on my lap and snuggled with me the whole time he watched it (maybe 30 minutes total, but still). It was just so fun.

On weeks like this, we don't get to spend a lot of time together. I've seen him only a few hours while he's been awake the last few days. But tonight was so much fun for me.

It's weird how very full I can feel after spending more time with him. I am still kind of amazed by how much MORE I love him each and every day.

It's fun.

Inside Jokes

Sometimes I forget about all the amazing things in life. You probably know that, because you read this blog. I tend to focus on the negative things WAY TOO MUCH. Which is so stupid, because there are so many positive, wonderful things in my life.

This week Randy has been VERY sick, I've been sick and Finn is getting over being sick, so it's been another rough one, but inside of this crud, there are so many sweet moments. Finn gives love, and is the sweetest little angel.

Finn & I have our first "inside joke." When he comes to work with me, I let him watch Elmo clips on YouTube sometimes. His favorite one is called "Elmo's Ducks" and it is seriously cute. I have a weird tv thing--Randy calls me the "tv Nazi" quite often, but I have a soft spot for Sesame Street, and it's the one thing that I don't really have a problem with him watching. But, I have been sidetracked...




...when the video gets to ONE duck, the duck quacks and every time we see it we crack up. If, for some reason, I don't hear it Finn looks at me with this little grin on his face. It's like he's saying "Mom, did you hear it? Did you?" He waits for me to laugh with him.

Oh.my.god. Are you kidding me? I could not possibly love that child more. It is not even possible.

Right now...it's my favorite thing in the entire world. Well, except for him. He's my favorite.

School

I'm not sure when it happened, but school has become this awful place that I have to drag myself out of bed to go to each day.

I used to be someone who loved my job. I was that idiot that was like "I am kind of glad that summer break is over because I miss my students." Yeah...what kind of bullshit is that?

I'm telling you what--I haven't felt like that once this year. When I am gone (and I've been gone A LOT--I have like 2 sick days left) I do not miss this place, I lament over the fact that I eventually have to go back.

It's Sunday morning. Sunday morning is...church time (if that's what you're into), or rest time, or sit on your ass time. Sunday morning is not...GO IN TO SCHOOL WITH AN ENTIRE GROUP OF STUDENTS TIME.

But that's what I am doing right now. I woke up at 6, and came into school today. I will be here all morning. On top of this, I feel AWFUL. My throat hurts so badly, I can barely swallow. I have been on an antibiotic for a sinus infection since Monday night, and I still feel awful. My throat feels about 20 times worse than it did on Monday. How does that happen? Seriously. So, after leaving here I'm going to have to go to Urgent Care! Twice in one week.

I'm sorry to those of you that read this blog lately. Because I promise I didn't use to complain 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I used to consider myself a happy person. I wish I knew how to get back to that. I actually think I do know how to get back to that....it's simply doing it...making decisions that have good and bad ramifications, dealing with the bad parts of myself and putting them on display. I need to get my shit together.

The end.

Nothing to report...

It has been a bit of a crazy week so far, and I will now write about it for no one's benefit but my own! Sorry I'm so boring lately.

Thursday night/Friday morning Finn woke up several times throughout the night with a fever. I gave him some Ibuprofen at one point, and he slept in bed with us for the rest of the night. When he woke up, he still had a temperature, but it was a low-grade temperature (at least according to the $60 thermometer-from-hell). Friday was pretty low-key, we went out to lunch with my Mom, and we took my Mom to my Dad's work so they could leave directly from there to go to the airport. I knew he had a fever, and I knew he was pretty miserable. By the time we got home Finn would barely move and felt awful. The theremometer-from-hell (TFH) said that his temperature was 100.6, but he just felt so hot to me. Randy got home and I told him that we were taking Finn to urgent care.

We also had to go pick up my parents' dog on Friday, because she is staying with us this week while my parents are in France (Mon Dieu!). She has really been an angel thus far, which is not her normal course of action.

When we got to urgent care his temperature was 103.2 and they were nervous about him having a seizure if his temperature was rising that fast. I felt like the WORST mother EVER, because instead of following my gut, I followed the doctor's advice about not giving medicine for a low-grade fever. They did a chest x-ray and a flu test, and gave him two different types of medicine while we were there. By the time we left his fever was down to 101.0, and the diagnosis...a virus.

The weekend went okay, Finn was extremely cranky and just wanted to be held by Mama the whole time, which was okay with me...most of the time at least. He had a fever through the weekend, and when Sunday night rolled around he still felt warm, and was developing the dreaded croup-cough. I no longer consulted TFH, so I have no idea how his temperature was doing. He also developed a rash all over his arms and legs.

I called off for Monday and took Finn in to the doctor again, where they looked at the rash and did a strep test. Diagnosis--still a GD virus. Which is fine. At least his ears were clear...I guess. Monday he was so crabby that I didn't even get a chance to shower all day. However, you will NEVER catch me complaining about a chance to stay home and cuddle that sweet boy.

I called off again for Tuesday because he had to be fever free for 24 hours to go back to day care. He was feeling pretty good though, so we headed out to Orland to get some birthday gifts for...about 30 different people's birthdays coming up. We got some great stuff. And I am slightly embarassed to tell you that I even purchased a little dress for a fictional baby girl that I sometimes dream of (I want you to go ahead and imagine Randy's reaction to that piece of information!).

And today...I am back at school and Finn is back at daycare even though he still has a terrible cough...it's not a croup cough anymore, just a regular old cough...so I guess that's good.

Oh AND on Friday my Grandpa was in the hospital again because his eye started bleeding and he had to get a tube put in his eye (he has problems producing enough tears, so they did surgery last week...and then this was a complication from surgery apparently).

We also had people over for Easter, which was great...and got to enjoy the amazing weather in the backyard :) Silver lining? Right?

French envy.

Bonjour! Comment ca-va? Et tu? Je manque ma souer.

Yeah, in case I haven't told you my sister is studying abroad this year...yeah she's the jerk that leaves for the whole year. A semester isn't enough. Well, my parents left on Friday to go visit her. Well, they called on Saturday morning (not to check on me, but to check on their dog whom we are watching) and my dad said "We are eating lunch at a cafe in Paris."

I wanted to die. I think if it was possible I would have been green with envy.

I have wanted to go to France since...well, I was accepted into the IU Honors program and DIDN'T go because (1) I didn't think I could raise enough money and (2) I had this boyfriend...yeah it was Randy.

Ever since I have wanted to travel SO SO much, and I think it's amazing that my sister is having all these adventures that I should have had, but I'm sick of it now...and I want to go too.

France is...FRANCE! And in my opinion, there is no place better that I could possibly visit. It's in my top five places.

That is all.

I hope everyone had an amazing Easter--we did :) Until next time I'll be dreaming of French bistros!

Where oh where have I been?

Well I've been missing for a while (I know, I know...you are dying without my ever-so-awesome blog entries...what? you miss the constant complaining and whining? You miss my hilarious wittiness?).

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there will be very little complaining in this entry, which brings me to the reason for my extended absence.

I've been on Spring break, and therefore...shockingly enough, relaxed, and happy. After two days off Randy said "Even when you're mad at me you're just so much...nicer when you're not working outside of the house." It's just so true.

We had such a great break, full of friends and family and playing!

On Monday we went over to Kathy's house and played with Alexis. I don't get to see Kathy anywhere NEAR as often as I would like to, so it was so fun to get the two kids together. Finn is working very hard on sharing and so it gets frustrating to try to help him learn this, but I would honestly say by the end of the week I think he was doing much better. After that, Finn took a nap in the car, and we picked up Betty and headed out to Orland mall. We went to Babies-R-Us and Baby gap (found his Easter outfit), and came home. That night we went to the park.

Tuesday we went back to the mall with Chrisanne and Tenley to find Tenley an Easter outfit! Then Finn had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon.

Wednesday we went over to Betty's and had lunch with Betty, Clark, Chrisanne, and Tenley. At night we went and played with Addy and Uncle Ryan and Aunt Sarah.

Thursday was another treat. Finn went to daycare, while I went and got a massage and pedicure. It was fantastic. Then I picked him up, we played in our yard for a while, then he went to Grandma and Papa's while I went out to dinner with all of the journalism advisers in the area at House of Kobe. YUM!

Friday might have been my favorite day of all--we took Finn and Tenley to get their Easter pictures done, and then we took them to Bellaboos, which is an adorable play/learn place. It was seriously so much fun to watch the two of them play together, and splash and learn.

Saturday and Sunday were just as fun as the week. On Saturday we went to visit Great-Grandpa and hung out with my dad (aka Papa), then Betty and Mike came over for dinner. Mike and Randy decided that Katniss would be the perfect name for the next children that Betty and I have (assuming that they were girls), and Betty and I tried not to kill the two of them.

Sunday was Easter at my parents (they'll be in France for "real" Easter).

How awesome does that sound? Because it was even better.

I had so much fun with Finn over the last week, which made it a ridiculous amount of difficult to leave him today.

He signs "more" and "finished" and "dog" now. We're working on the signs for "please" and "thank you." He also gestures "I don't know" and blows kisses. He said his first sentence "Bye-Bye Da!" over the break (at least that I've heard), and he says so many words now: "Bye" "Mama" "Dada" "dog" "ball" "Hello" "Ella" "Elmo" "Tenley" "Addy" (though I think he means the little girl in daycare, but no matter) "Uh-oh" "yes" "no" and those are the only ones that I can think of now. I don't know if it's because I was home with him that he seemed to talk more, or because I just understand him better, but he's so smart, and so fun.

The only downside of Spring break was (1) I had to go back and (2)I ate like an idiot, so I gained a few pounds back. I am trying to get back on track,as I was at my lowest before break, but we will see! :) Wish me luck, and I hope everyone has a wonderful week.

Blech. Just write.

When I say "Yucky" to Finn he says "blech." It's probably one of the cutest things on the planet. Biased? Yes. We got him two new pairs of shoes over the weekend, and he screams bloody murder when we tried to put them on him. Like we were trying to kill him. He also cries when he puts his feet in the grass. What is that? He put the shoes on (finally) yesterday and only cried for a little while, but it was weird.

A student came up to me this morning and said, "I think that our critique should be due on Wednesday" to which I replied, "I appreciate your input."

It's a sad state that education is in at this point, truly sad. Yesterday I went to a meeting that talked about how grades shouldn't be punitive--you shouldn't give zeros for non-completion, you shouldn't take points off for being late, you should let students retake tests/redo papers until they master a skill. And then I wonder, "Why am I here?" "How could I run a newspaper staff or yearbook staff without being able to enforce deadlines?" It's just insane. Indiana is insane, education is insane, sometimes I think this entire country is insane. There's a new bill that just got introduced in Georgia that said if a woman's baby was stillborn--she would have to continue carrying it until she naturally went into labor...because cows and pigs do it all the time. What is happening here?

I am as close to depression as I have ever been. I don't really know why. Finn is coughing AGAIN, and I want to know why he is getting sick again. I want to know why I wake up angry almost every morning, and start (and end) the day sad or mad, or both.

Yesterday I got home from school at 5:15, to a HOT, MESSY house (after trying to entertain him at school for 2 hours)...and I do not do hot. I made dinner, while Finn (who has been REALLY clingy) cried and grabbed at my feet/legs. I tried to give him activities to do in the kitchen--which is what I normally do--but he just wanted to be held. And I couldn't do it. I never feel like I can do anything right, or what I decide is right. Randy didn't get home until 6:30, and all I could think was...I have to do this for four more days. Four more days. We took Finn outside and played, and then Randy put him to bed. I worked on things for my sister-in-law's shower, and went to sleep.

I don't know. I am just feeling lost, and tired, and I don't know how to pull myself out of this funk.

Writing sometimes helps, complaining sometimes helps, but I think what will really help is Spring Break, and time with friends, and seeing the Hunger Games this weekend...and spending time alone with Randy.

We will see.

Free to be you and me.

This is a post that I've had rolling around in my head for...a million years (so it seems), but it kind of came to a head this weekend, and well this morning (it's only 7:58 a.m.) Let me explain...

This weekend, we were at my parents house and Finn pooped (babies poop), and so we started to get him changed. In case you don't know...we cloth diaper. Well my brother was astonished that we cloth diaper (it's going on 8 months or so) and he asked curiously "Why?" I answered "Because it's cheaper and better for the environment" (two HUGE plusses to me!) and he then told the entire room that he spends only $18 a month on diapers (I spent around $80/month when we diapered that way). So then I pulled out my old stand-by "Well, I'm a hippie-freak." And everyone kind of laughed. (story #1)

Last week, my mentor came to visit me at school, and we were talking about Finn's daycare. One of my kids (whom I am not particularly fond of) said "You put Finn in daycare? That's the WORST thing you can do!" (story #2)

Yes this is a 15 year old child.
Would I ever EVER want my child to grow up to be like this child? Not in a million years.

Nancy answered, "Where did you think he went while she was here with you all day?"

How do you respond to that? How do you respond to something that plays on all of your biggest insecurities all at once. After a year of sickness after sickness, hearing from someone who supposedly respects you that this is the worst possible thing you could do to your child. Even if it is a kid--it hurt.

Then, this morning another student asked me about his daycare, and then proudly said "My mother would never send me to daycare--she would only send me to stay with friends and family."

Well yippee skippy for your mother, kid. I bet, being from Munster and all, she had the means to do so. I haven't had those means, as of yet. (story #3)


So...what's my point? Well, my point is. I didn't really understand the "mommy wars" until I became a mother, and I am telling you they are VICIOUS.

BUT, here's what I don't understand. Because I try to be overly sensitive about not offending people, I then go around degrading myself and my choices.

After we left my parents Randy said "Why did you do that?" (ie. saying I was a "hippie freak")and I said "I don't want to make other people feel bad." and he said "But you wanted to make yourself look bad, and downgrade the time you put into making that decision for him, and each decision for him?"

And I was kind of dumbstruck.

I don't want to do that. Because I'm doing the same thing that everyone I know is doing--trying to love their baby the best that they can. I'm trying to make the best, most informed decisions that I can. The fact that we are cloth diapering is something we discussed, and I campaigned for for a while. The fact that I am choosing to continue breastfeeding into toddlerhood is something that I've researched, and that Randy has researched...and we have the means to do it (honestly, it's EASIER than trying to wean him), so that's what we have decided to do.

Does this mean that if you don't do exactly what I do, I think that you're wrong? Heck no. Actually HELL NO! Seriously.

But because I respect what YOU choose to do with your child, I am going to start respecting what I choose to do with mine as well. I am a hippie (when it comes to child-rearing), but I'm not a freak. There are lots of people who parent like I do, and even if they didn't...this is what we have chosen. And, like everyone I know, that's what I think is best for my child.

I don't expect people to explain their parenting choices to me, so I'm going to stop explaining mine to them.

I don't think I deserve to be made to feel silly/crazy because of my choices. So I'm going to start with me. I will not downgrade myself anymore. I try my hardest to be a good mother, and there are days when I feel like a failure, but there are also days that I feel like a huge success. Co-sleeping, breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, doula-loving, natural- childbirthing and all.

Weekends are my favorite :)

It was such a nice weekend! Starting the weekend, we had pretty much no plans, but we kept busy the entire time.

Remember how I told you about smiles, and pictures? This is it!

On Saturday, we drove with my dad (aka: Papa, which Finn said for the first time on Saturday, and it made me VERY happy) to Ava's basketball game. Finn LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it, and I wish that basketball was still going at Munster because I would take him to a few games.

He was mesmerized by the game, and sat still for 20 minutes (and I mean STILL just watching), then he went over and dazzled all of Ava's teammates for a little while! It was just so cute.



After we went to the park, and Ava and Grant took turns sliding down the slide with Finn and pushing him on the swing. He is a lucky boy to have such sweet cousins.


Then we drove home and went to pizza with Grandma, Papa, Ava and Grant (and Randy because he worked all day). It was delicious, and Finn was so good the entire time!

On Saturday, we went to Old Navy to find Finn something to wear for Miss Laura's St. Paddy's day party this Friday, and then headed to lunch with Aunt Betty and Uncle Mike. Finn was...not as good at lunch, but we still had fun :) Finn loves to go up and down the stairs now, so I spent a good portion of lunch helping him do just that.

After lunch, we drove around while Finn took a nap in the car, and then went to Grandma and Papa's to dye Easter eggs and have dinner.

Finn dyed exactly ONE Easter Egg, and then was pretty much done with it, which is FINE with us.










Then we all went to the park and played :) This is one of my new favorite photos of Randy and Finn.



My three favorites! :)



And Ryan brought back the trophy for the Norris Easter Egg hunt (which Randy and I will be bringing home this year!).

Then we got home, and when Finn went to sleep I watched Footloose, which is horribly awesome.

It was just fun.

Room by Emma Donague

Okay, remember when I promised that this post would have pictures of Finn and emoticons? Well...it's not going to. However, it's not for the reason you think. I read a book yesterday and it was fantastic. It is called Room by Emma Donague and it was FANTASTIC.

I say this for several reasons...

1. I finished it in 1 day. Yes, I MAY have done nothing productive for the afternoon at school and read the entire time, but I felt like it was necessary to pull myself out of the funk I was in.

2. I dreamt about it all last night. Every time I woke up I was in Jack's mind (the protagonist).

3. I love books that I can climb around in. That make me feel like I am sitting next to the characters and having a great conversation where they are letting me glimpse their lives.


So, because I love a good book recommendation more than (ALMOST) anything else in the world, I will tell you a bit about it, and hope that you have time to pick it up and read it.

It is written from 5-year old Jack's perspective. Jack's "Ma" was abducted from her college when she was 19 years old, and has been held captive in "Old Nick's" shed for the past several years. She has been hurt and raped repeatedly, and Jack is a product of one of the rapes. He is her entire world, and the love between the two is incredible. They live in Room (used as a proper noun--LOVE), and Jack described their lives. His mother has desperately tried to keep him safe and to protect him from Old Nick, and succeeds in unimaginable ways. The book starts to become captivating to the point of obsession when they start to discuss an escape plan.

The genius of this book is that it's convincingly told through the eyes of a child, and to him Room is not a scary place--it is his home and full of love.

So...you should seriously read it immediately (if not sooner). :)

Also, thank you to those of you that took the time to comment/call/text yesterday. It means a lot. I'm always surprised about who makes an effort to show that they care (which sounds like I'm trying to be mean...but I'm not, I'm just saying I really appreciate it).

You shouldn't even read this.

I have seen my son for a combined two hours in the last two days. I have gotten home from work after 9:00 for the last two days.

Two days.

It was a bad two days, lots of days aren't like that.

It just hurts me.

I am so tired. I am tired of BEING tired. I am tired of saying that I will do things that I don't/can't do. I am tired of COMPLAINING. I bet you are tired of that too.

I called Randy on the way home from dropping off the mini-bus at the bus barn last night, and he said "you just woke up Finn" and I just hung up. Sometimes I get sad that while I am Finn's mother, I am also lots of other things, and sometimes I just call to talk.

Good news...the last long night of the week was yesterday, hopefully the rest of the week will be somewhat smooth. One of my student's won Student Journalist of the Year for our state yesterday, it was pretty cool. She posted on facebook that she owed it all to...her old journalism teacher (not me). I don't know why, but it made me sad. She's right, of course, but it made me sad.

This is depressing. If you want to stop reading my blog, you have my permission. I don't even know if anyone other than Leah reads it anymore anyways.

Gah...I promise the next time I post it'll be a HAPPY post, full of pictures of Finn, and an overuse of smiley-face emoticons.

YOU HAVE MY WORD!

Today...

Was long...and is still happening at this moment. It's a Crier week. If there are any of you out there who do not know what this means...it's our school paper, that comes out pretty much every 3 weeks. It is a long process, and it sucks. And no one seems to understand it. Well, there are a few people that understand it, but--in a general sense--no one understands this. My kids work really hard to put out a professional paper, and I have to be here to supervise, and help, and troubleshoot, and (sometimes) edit. And sometimes, I feel like people think "It's just a high school paper." This makes me angry on a WHOLE LOT of levels, but I digress.

It's been a really hard week. It started out fine, but then on Tuesday Finn was supposed to have his well check-up for his 1 year appointment. This 1 year appointment has been the source of a LOT of stress for me. I'm trying to decide my feelings on vaccinations, and haven't really come to a conclusion. Surprise, surprise--we didn't have to worry about it. Because Finn had a 100.6 degree temperature, and he couldn't get shots. This was good (????) and bad. Good because I didn't have to think about shots, bad because well...Finn's sick, and snotty, and coughing up his lung, and has a fever, and WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO BECAUSE HOW AM I GOING TO TAKE MORE DAYS OFF OF WORK!???!!?!?!?

So yeah, that made it bad. And guess what? I had to go back to school after his doctor's appointment.

Then, Randy stayed home with him on Wednesday while I went to school. I was supposed to stay until 5, but apparently Finn wouldn't eat anything for Randy, so I had to come home at 5:30, which means that tonight will be AWFUL!

So, then today I had to stay home because he still had a fever this morning. So, here's what I have done today:
- Went to the bank
- Cleaned the entire house (not just straightened, but actually cleaned!)
- Did 4 loads of laundry
- Got gas
- Went out and got Finn soup
- Skyped with Ashley
- Put Finn down for a nap (this is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT for me...he never EVER naps for me)

And then I went to school, for going on 4 hours.

All this on 4-5 hours of sleep (coughing baby=wakeful mommy).

And I'm just so damn tired, and crabby, and PISSED OFF because I feel so alone in everything that I do. I don't understand why no one seems to "understand" me. I know this is all in my head, because clearly there are lots of people doing these exact same things...but I am just so tired. And angry. And lonely.

Gah. I am now way passed the acceptable whining limit for this blog, so I will sign off.

Sorry for bitching. Kind of.

My Dad

My all-time favorite picture of my Dad. He was laughing and crying when we told him about Finn. :)

Yesterday-my sister posted a picture of my beautiful niece playing with her daddy. She was putting make-up on him.It, of course, made me think of my dad. This is something that I vividly remember about childhood. Now, I was never a huge one for make-up (I'm still really not), but I remember nail polish. I remember my dad letting "us girls" put nail polish on his toenails. Bright pink nail polish, neon green nail polish...really, whatever nail polish that we wanted!



He would let us do his hair, he would walk down the cat-walk for us in crazy outfits. He would make up elaborate story lines for my My Little Ponies. He would tell me crazy stories about "Kool Cat" He still does this...with his grandchildren. Not more than a few months ago, he and Ava put on a fashion show, and Papa strutted down the catwalk in front of the entire family. Or last summer, Ava convinced him that we should play "the dancing game"--which, coincidentally was a game created by Randy (OF COURSE!) where you have to dance in the car and whoever the judge says "wins" gets a point. Well, my dad REALLY wanted to win the dancing game...so he stopped the car, got out of the car, ran in front of the car and danced for all of our street to see! It was hilariously awesome.



All I could think of is...I hope Finn thinks of me this way. I hope my children will look back and see that I didn't care what anyone else thought. I hope they see that my goal was to make them laugh and love and experience life. I hope (so much) that they will remember smiles and laughter and happiness. And, obviously, there will be times that they feel sad, angry, hopeless...but I hope these times are few and far between.

But here's what I know. If he ends up with half of the happy memories of ME and Randy that I have of my dad (and he's only 60--he's got a lot of living left!), then he'll be a pretty lucky boy!

Jealousy is the new black.

Lately, I feel like I spend a lot of time wasting energy on jealousy. I don't know what it is. I mean, inherently, I wouldn't change anything about my life. But I have my moments--moments of being a huge bitch. Most of the time, I keep those moments kept tightly to myself, and I feel like I do a pretty good job. But they are there.

- I look at the gorgeous mom--completely put together, and skinny...and I kind of hate her sometimes. Even when I have no idea who she is. Even when I know that I could be fit and slim, but my laziness stops me from it.

- I look at the pregnant bellies, and even though I know it's not the right time--I feel sad.

- I look at other photographers, who are where I want to be, who have everything that I want, and I feel angry. Angry at myself, angry at my situation, angry that I don't have the funds/time (excuses? I don't know) to make it happen at this very moment.

- I look at other people's big, beautiful homes with brand new EVERYTHING, and I feel sad that I can't have that.

What a waste of time. What a complete and utter waste of energy. Because these people have great things, but so do I. I have GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL things and people and love. So much love that sometimes I write crazy, cheesy, emotional things like this. I look at my gorgeous, smiling son and I realize that I have been given so much more than I could ever possibly ask for. I look at my husband, who--has his moments--but is a wonderful man and a FANTASTIC husband. I look at my family and friends, and home, and dog, and life and I see so much beauty. And I'm wasting my time with jealousy? Get it together.

Here's the other thing. Just because I don't have every single thing I want in life, doesn't mean that I won't--someday. Someday I WILL be constantly employed as a photographer--not just weekends, but all the time. Someday I will (hopefully) have more children. Someday I will get off my lazy ass and make my fitness goals a reality. I can change anything I want to.

How's that for Susie Sunshine?

The Soundtrack of my life...

"Feel the music, we're dancing to the beat
1,2,3 gotta move my feet.
4,5,6 come on let's go
'cause Elmo likes to rock and roll
Elmo likes to rock and roll baby.

This is the soundtrack to my life. And it's okay with me.

These past few weeks have been so hectic, and there are so many blog entries running through my head, and I don't know where and when to write it all down. So I'm going to go with a bulleted list. How's that for a good writer?

- Finn had "surgery" on February 10th. I put surgery in quotation marks because it was more just a basic procedure, but he was put under and they made an incision and put tubes in his ears, so I am calling it a surgery. Because to me it felt traumatic and difficult and it was surgery in my head. He did fantastically, and was adorable. Here I'll prove it.



Gah! He's so cute.


- I've been yo-yoing diet-wise lately. However, yesterday I weighed in at my lowest yet, down 16.1 pounds down from Christmas. I think it's still pretty impressive, though I've slowed down quite a bit. I really want to start running again, and I'm hoping that will happen this weekend, but you all know that I tend to make lofty goals, and then not reach them (how sad does that sound written out for all to see? What a horrible attribute).

- The last week has been terribly hectic, and the next two weeks will be even worse. In some ways I can't wait for spring break to get here, in others I can wait a bit longer. I started teaching an ACT prep class one night a week. I know, I know you are saying im an idiot- but I have my reasons. One of the main reasons is because I thought I could make those long nights at the pub and double things up and make some extra money at the same time. So that means one night a week for the last two weeks I havent gotten home until 9:30. Then, its also a Paragon deadline (yearbook), so that means there are all these added work nights, most of which I have to bring Finn with for all/some of it. Next week is a Crier week (newspaper), and the week after is another ACT class, and a field trip. Its all just never-ending, and a lot of the time utterly exhausting. Sometimes I wonder if this is how life will feel forever from now on, and then I wonder if so--will I miss it when it's not like this? Because that's how my masochistic mind works.

- I started a blog titled "Dear student" this week that talked about a variety of things that annoyed me about students in general, but it got out of hand quickly and I had to stop! However, it was totally hilarious...and I want to publish it. Maybe I'll have enough guts sometime soon.

- Finns birthday party was awesome, if I do say so myself! It was so fantastic, and there were only a few "I wish I had..." moments!

- Other than these things the last few weeks have been uneventful, and I've enjoyed listening to Elmo rock, Ernie rap and Finn play with all his birthday toys! He is so incredibly fun right now. It honestly just keeps getting better and better!

Feeling healthy and getting clean.
We're takin' a bath, ya know what I mean?
The bubbles scrub-a-dub and we're in the tub.
Cleaning up rubber ducky and all our toes.