Lately, I feel like I spend a lot of time wasting energy on jealousy. I don't know what it is. I mean, inherently, I wouldn't change anything about my life. But I have my moments--moments of being a huge bitch. Most of the time, I keep those moments kept tightly to myself, and I feel like I do a pretty good job. But they are there.
- I look at the gorgeous mom--completely put together, and skinny...and I kind of hate her sometimes. Even when I have no idea who she is. Even when I know that I could be fit and slim, but my laziness stops me from it.
- I look at the pregnant bellies, and even though I know it's not the right time--I feel sad.
- I look at other photographers, who are where I want to be, who have everything that I want, and I feel angry. Angry at myself, angry at my situation, angry that I don't have the funds/time (excuses? I don't know) to make it happen at this very moment.
- I look at other people's big, beautiful homes with brand new EVERYTHING, and I feel sad that I can't have that.
What a waste of time. What a complete and utter waste of energy. Because these people have great things, but so do I. I have GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL things and people and love. So much love that sometimes I write crazy, cheesy, emotional things like this. I look at my gorgeous, smiling son and I realize that I have been given so much more than I could ever possibly ask for. I look at my husband, who--has his moments--but is a wonderful man and a FANTASTIC husband. I look at my family and friends, and home, and dog, and life and I see so much beauty. And I'm wasting my time with jealousy? Get it together.
Here's the other thing. Just because I don't have every single thing I want in life, doesn't mean that I won't--someday. Someday I WILL be constantly employed as a photographer--not just weekends, but all the time. Someday I will (hopefully) have more children. Someday I will get off my lazy ass and make my fitness goals a reality. I can change anything I want to.
How's that for Susie Sunshine?
Do what I do and use that jealousy for fuel. This kind of thing happens to me for sure, but I just use it as motivation to keep my eye on the prize, and to keep working hard. I long for all things on that list in different variations, even the pregnant belly, but I'll have to find a way to shelf that desire....let's just say I'm still working on it!;)
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