*Sidenote
Sometimes I worry about coming "here" to complain. Sometimes I think "people must hate me" or "I don't want to bore everyone." And while I sat here thinking about what to write, and wanting to complain I thought those thoughts, but then I remembered. I write this for me. I write this as a journal, so I can look back at this time in my life and remember what I really thought, really felt, how much I was in love with Finn, and how good things were...AND how bad things were. I'm not trying to sugar-coat life here. I want to look back at this and know that I wasn't writing for anyone except me.
So, while I appreciate if you like to read this blog, and I always appreciate if you comment or leave advice...I also need to have a spot to just be able to bitch and complain sometimes. Because, no one wants to hear me complain on a daily basis, and I'm pretty sure people are getting sick of me. But I'd rather have this sound real, than have it be some fake "everything is butterflies and rainbows" look at my life.
I'm not saying things are really bad, but this has ABSOLUTELY been a really difficult year for me. And I've had serious struggles with what to do for Finn, and what to do for myself, and my family and felt alone and scared and like I'm a failure and a bad mother. And I'm not going to hide from that...it's real and it's what I've dealt with. I want to remember that too.
I want to remember 10 years down the road when a new friend has a new baby what I felt like, so I can offer support. I want to remember 30 years down the road when Finn has his babies what hurt my feelings, and how people treated me, and how scary it was so I can support him.
So yeah, that's my long-winded way of apologizing for complaining...but not REALLY apologizing for complaining.
*End of side-note.
So, this past week has been insane AGAIN. I'm so sick of everything feeling insane. First, Finn got the stomach bug, I got it on Friday, which REALLY sucked for a lot of reasons:
1. I felt awful and horrible
2. I felt awful that this is how Finn had felt the day before.
3. I had to shoot a wedding on Saturday, for 10 hours, in 90 degree heat.
So I was scared that I wouldn't be able to shoot, but thankful that I had gotten it Friday and not Saturday...and REALLY thankful that my dad is consistently there for me, and left work early to pick Finn up from daycare and brought him to my parent's house and watched him until Randy picked him up. The worst was over at that point, and because what does my pain matter, Randy went out to mow the lawn.
Karma came back and got him because he got sick on Sunday, which didn't make me HAPPY, but I definitely said at one point "do you think you could watch Finn while I run out to target" so that he knew how it felt.
There was also some drama over the weekend that was exceptionally sad.
So overall, not a great weekend. This week, not so great either. It's a Crier week (AGAIN!!!) and so I'm here all night every night. I have no one to watch Finn for a few days this week, which I am stressing out about...my parents are watching him like 4-5 times in the next few weeks, and I feel bad asking them again, but it looks like I'm going to have to because no one else has gotten back to me. I HATE asking people to watch Finn, but not as much as I hate having him at school MISERABLE.
Anyways, remember the title of this blog? Like 55 years ago? That's what I wanted to talk about originally. I am so damn restless. There are so many things that I want to do/want to be doing and I don't have time to do any of them. I got a new jogging stroller, and haven't used it. I want to start knitting...no time. I want to...I want to....I want to...
I have rambled on much too long, so I am going to stop now.
Hope your week is calm! :)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The puke heard round the world...
Listen, if you can't deal with vomit...you should stop reading this. Because it's TMI "mommy-style".
Yesterday night Finn and I were especially tired. We actually snuggled and fell asleep on the couch at 8:15, and I got up and moved to the bed at 8:30 to wait for Randy to get home. Well we apparently fell asleep and were out long before that. It's a good thing we went to sleep early...at 1:00 am Finn woke up vomiting. A lot.
It was disgusting. A lot.
This happened about every half hour from 1-5. It was awesome. I called off work around 2:45 am. Have I mentioned that Finn has been sick so much this year that I have no sick days left? Do you know how many sick days teachers get? A LOT! And I have used all of mine, plus more. Geez kid, give me a break.
So, I have been lucky enough to not have to deal with the puking much. Finn wasn't a very spitty baby, and he didn't spit up a lot. He's only actually vomited one other time. I did not handle it well. The first time it happened he threw up all over the bed, and all over me. Randy had to change the sheets while I brought him into the bathroom and stripped him and myself down. Then we covered the bed with towels, which had to be changed out every half hour for the rest of the night.
He woke up a bit better, and only vomited once more around 8 am. He then took a long nap from 9:30-12...that is absolutely unheard of for him.
While he napped I cleaned up the vomit. Seriously...our entire house smelled like vomit...and I'm pretty sure that 12 hours later it is gone. The smell at least.
I hate vomit. Like I would totally choose poopy diapers over vomit. Vomit only makes me want to vomit.
It just really sicks me out.
And it made me sad, because I had to cancel a photo shoot. I have been trying extremely hard to get the photography business going this year. Randy and I have invested literally thousands of dollars into new equipment and software. We have invested hundreds of dollars into education (workshops, etc.)...and I have been reading, and trying new things with poses and learning what works for me--refining my style as a photographer. Not to mention that I have been shooting A LOT. Taking a lot of time away from Finn, doing hours and hours of editing for each session that I shoot.
It makes me feel awful to let down a client. A client who could refer other clients to us, and I let someone down. I know how upsetting that would be to me if I had a photo shoot scheduled. And it feels like I had to take a step back today because of it.
I'm super glad that Finn is feeling better, because there is nothing worse than being powerless to help your little one. So overall, pukefest is getting better.
Did I mention that there are 10 school days left this year? OMG I cannot wait.
Yesterday night Finn and I were especially tired. We actually snuggled and fell asleep on the couch at 8:15, and I got up and moved to the bed at 8:30 to wait for Randy to get home. Well we apparently fell asleep and were out long before that. It's a good thing we went to sleep early...at 1:00 am Finn woke up vomiting. A lot.
It was disgusting. A lot.
This happened about every half hour from 1-5. It was awesome. I called off work around 2:45 am. Have I mentioned that Finn has been sick so much this year that I have no sick days left? Do you know how many sick days teachers get? A LOT! And I have used all of mine, plus more. Geez kid, give me a break.
So, I have been lucky enough to not have to deal with the puking much. Finn wasn't a very spitty baby, and he didn't spit up a lot. He's only actually vomited one other time. I did not handle it well. The first time it happened he threw up all over the bed, and all over me. Randy had to change the sheets while I brought him into the bathroom and stripped him and myself down. Then we covered the bed with towels, which had to be changed out every half hour for the rest of the night.
He woke up a bit better, and only vomited once more around 8 am. He then took a long nap from 9:30-12...that is absolutely unheard of for him.
While he napped I cleaned up the vomit. Seriously...our entire house smelled like vomit...and I'm pretty sure that 12 hours later it is gone. The smell at least.
I hate vomit. Like I would totally choose poopy diapers over vomit. Vomit only makes me want to vomit.
It just really sicks me out.
And it made me sad, because I had to cancel a photo shoot. I have been trying extremely hard to get the photography business going this year. Randy and I have invested literally thousands of dollars into new equipment and software. We have invested hundreds of dollars into education (workshops, etc.)...and I have been reading, and trying new things with poses and learning what works for me--refining my style as a photographer. Not to mention that I have been shooting A LOT. Taking a lot of time away from Finn, doing hours and hours of editing for each session that I shoot.
It makes me feel awful to let down a client. A client who could refer other clients to us, and I let someone down. I know how upsetting that would be to me if I had a photo shoot scheduled. And it feels like I had to take a step back today because of it.
I'm super glad that Finn is feeling better, because there is nothing worse than being powerless to help your little one. So overall, pukefest is getting better.
Did I mention that there are 10 school days left this year? OMG I cannot wait.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Holy week.
This week has been intense. Like really intense. This is interesting, because at school it's only been a 3-day week. However, it's also a Crier week. Doesn't it feel like it's ALWAYS a Crier week? Me too.
So Monday, while the rest of the teacher's in my district were shopping and playing with their kids, I dropped Finn off at Laura's and came in to school. I was at school from 8-3:30, I went grocery shopping before I came in.
Tuesday I didn't have to go in to school, so I took Finn to get a haircut, and then to the park. After the park, I--once again--dropped him off at daycare to go take photos of my new nephew. That is my other job, and it is really fun, but also really intense.
Have I mentioned that not ONCE this week has Randy gotten home from work before 8:30? It's awesome. This is what single-parenting is like. It's not his fault, and I'm not blaming him (at all), but it really sucks.
Wednesday I went in to school, and I edited pictures all day long because my classes were working independently. It was great because I actually got all the editing done for that session by the end of the day. I picked Finn up after school and brought him back to the Pub, where we stayed until 7:30. We left in a very dramatic fashion while Finn threw a huge tantrum about NOT wanting to eat any soup. It was (not) fun. Super (not) fun (not even a little bit).
Thursday was a regular school day, but a Crier Thursday, and a highly stressful day. I picked Finn up after school and brought him to my parent's house. And realized that I forgot extra diapers at home, so had to go home and get some, and bring them back to my parent's. It sucked. I picked Finn up around 8:00, after my editor had a serious meltdown about paper, and brought him home. Randy got home at 9:00 and put Finn to bed.
Today is Friday...I have a wedding to shoot in Indianapolis all day tomorrow. My parents are watching Finn...again. Gosh I hate having to ask people to watch him. It makes me feel terrible.
Sunday is Mother's Day. I have no idea if Randy will even be able to take it off, and my thought is no...so, that's not really celebratory for me. It's not really a celebration at all. I have had to plan half of it, which I really resent. I don't understand why Father's day gets to be this big celebration, but there are a lot of fathers that can't get their shit together to celebrate the women that do EVERYTHING for them in their lives, so I have to deal with it. And it pisses me off. I don't feel celebrated at all at this point. That was kind of a side-rant. Whatever.
Anyways...an entirely other side of this is that I had to make official decisions about some things this week, and tell the people that matters. I'll talk more about this later, because it's still a bit new right now. I'm excited about these changes, but I'm also a bit nervous, and a bit sad about changes. I have never been a huge change person.
Overall...an insane week. It will be followed by another insane week including two photo shoots, another wedding and my Grandpa's 96th birthday party.
Gosh...I really need a break...and it's a good thing one is coming and I can't wait to write about "the summer of Finn."
So Monday, while the rest of the teacher's in my district were shopping and playing with their kids, I dropped Finn off at Laura's and came in to school. I was at school from 8-3:30, I went grocery shopping before I came in.
Tuesday I didn't have to go in to school, so I took Finn to get a haircut, and then to the park. After the park, I--once again--dropped him off at daycare to go take photos of my new nephew. That is my other job, and it is really fun, but also really intense.
Have I mentioned that not ONCE this week has Randy gotten home from work before 8:30? It's awesome. This is what single-parenting is like. It's not his fault, and I'm not blaming him (at all), but it really sucks.
Wednesday I went in to school, and I edited pictures all day long because my classes were working independently. It was great because I actually got all the editing done for that session by the end of the day. I picked Finn up after school and brought him back to the Pub, where we stayed until 7:30. We left in a very dramatic fashion while Finn threw a huge tantrum about NOT wanting to eat any soup. It was (not) fun. Super (not) fun (not even a little bit).
Thursday was a regular school day, but a Crier Thursday, and a highly stressful day. I picked Finn up after school and brought him to my parent's house. And realized that I forgot extra diapers at home, so had to go home and get some, and bring them back to my parent's. It sucked. I picked Finn up around 8:00, after my editor had a serious meltdown about paper, and brought him home. Randy got home at 9:00 and put Finn to bed.
Today is Friday...I have a wedding to shoot in Indianapolis all day tomorrow. My parents are watching Finn...again. Gosh I hate having to ask people to watch him. It makes me feel terrible.
Sunday is Mother's Day. I have no idea if Randy will even be able to take it off, and my thought is no...so, that's not really celebratory for me. It's not really a celebration at all. I have had to plan half of it, which I really resent. I don't understand why Father's day gets to be this big celebration, but there are a lot of fathers that can't get their shit together to celebrate the women that do EVERYTHING for them in their lives, so I have to deal with it. And it pisses me off. I don't feel celebrated at all at this point. That was kind of a side-rant. Whatever.
Anyways...an entirely other side of this is that I had to make official decisions about some things this week, and tell the people that matters. I'll talk more about this later, because it's still a bit new right now. I'm excited about these changes, but I'm also a bit nervous, and a bit sad about changes. I have never been a huge change person.
Overall...an insane week. It will be followed by another insane week including two photo shoots, another wedding and my Grandpa's 96th birthday party.
Gosh...I really need a break...and it's a good thing one is coming and I can't wait to write about "the summer of Finn."
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Happy May :)
Hello. It's me again.
I don't know why I started that way, but I did. I'm going to write in a semi-stream-of-consciousness way today...so you are in for a treat (sarcasm? completely!). The last several days have been interesting. I don't know why but things have started to turn. I am in a better mood, I am feeling more optimistic, and I am feeling less crabby. It's pretty great. We even have all the laundry done around our house, which is a HUGE, HUGE feat for us.
I'm pretty sure that it's because it is May. It is FINALLY May...30 days left until the last day of school. Then I have two glorious months off. I cannot wait. The last several days have been pretty fun. Last week on Friday Finn was sick again, and I was at the end of my rope. I took the day off and I'm relatively certain that it was unpaid because I have no more sick days (that's how sick this child has been all year...poor baby). I was incredibly frustrated, but took him to the doctor. The doctor said that it was probably either allergies or a cold, and that there was nothing we could do (that's what they always say). Suffice it to say that he started to feel better pretty quickly after that. I had to take him to work with me twice during the day (while I had the day off, what?). He was so crabby that he wanted to be held while I got 10 cameras ready for students to take out for the weekend to shoot their photo projects, and by the time I left I was dripping sweat. We survived the day anyways, and I geared up for the next day.
Saturday came and I had two photo sessions--which is AMAZING. I am so happy with where I've been going photographically lately. I've been trying to read as much as possible, and learn as much as possible and make my craft something that I'm truly proud of (I'm not saying that it wasn't already, I just want to keep growing and getting better and better). After the three sessions I had last week, I really felt like I was noticing a difference in my style. I love the photos from all three sessions, and I was so proud of what I had given to these people--I felt proud of my work. I haven't always felt like that after each session.
Sunday Finn and I went to Grant's 6th birthday party, it was at a place called Monkey Joe's and Finn had SO SO SO much fun. He loved every second of that place. I seriously need to look into a summer membership. The only downside of it was that on the way home he just coughed and coughed and coughed. I'm pretty sure everyone in the car thought I was a horrible mother, and my mom kept saying incredulously "The doctor didn't give him anything?"
There is nothing more challenging for me than keeping my mouth shut when people say those kinds of things to me. I know she didn't mean anything by it, and people who have said things in the past don't mean anything by it either. But, it makes me feel like a bad mother...and there is NOTHING IN THE WORLD that I want more than to be a good mom to Finn. It's hard because I second guess each and every decision I make. My mind is a constant stream of "Am I making the right decisions? Should I let him have some french fries? Should I spend $3 more on organic cheese? Should I let him sleep in our bed? In our room? In his bed? Am I messing my child up? Should I be reading to him more? Less? Should I let him watch no tv? Some TV? How much? Am I doing this well?" and for someone to question decisions that I make, when I already question them enough for all of us, is rough. I don't know if the doctor did the right thing by not giving him anything, but I'm not a doctor...and I'm trying to do the best I can.
Monday was okay, and Tuesday was okay even though we stayed after school for yearbook. I've gotten almost all my grading done, and I am working to finish some things up here at school. Things just feel easier. I am even trying to give up pop (again) and starting to worry more about eating/exercise again. I'm just hopeful that things keep getting easier and easier.
Here's hoping that it continues :)
I'm pretty sure that it's because it is May. It is FINALLY May...30 days left until the last day of school. Then I have two glorious months off. I cannot wait. The last several days have been pretty fun. Last week on Friday Finn was sick again, and I was at the end of my rope. I took the day off and I'm relatively certain that it was unpaid because I have no more sick days (that's how sick this child has been all year...poor baby). I was incredibly frustrated, but took him to the doctor. The doctor said that it was probably either allergies or a cold, and that there was nothing we could do (that's what they always say). Suffice it to say that he started to feel better pretty quickly after that. I had to take him to work with me twice during the day (while I had the day off, what?). He was so crabby that he wanted to be held while I got 10 cameras ready for students to take out for the weekend to shoot their photo projects, and by the time I left I was dripping sweat. We survived the day anyways, and I geared up for the next day.
Saturday came and I had two photo sessions--which is AMAZING. I am so happy with where I've been going photographically lately. I've been trying to read as much as possible, and learn as much as possible and make my craft something that I'm truly proud of (I'm not saying that it wasn't already, I just want to keep growing and getting better and better). After the three sessions I had last week, I really felt like I was noticing a difference in my style. I love the photos from all three sessions, and I was so proud of what I had given to these people--I felt proud of my work. I haven't always felt like that after each session.
Sunday Finn and I went to Grant's 6th birthday party, it was at a place called Monkey Joe's and Finn had SO SO SO much fun. He loved every second of that place. I seriously need to look into a summer membership. The only downside of it was that on the way home he just coughed and coughed and coughed. I'm pretty sure everyone in the car thought I was a horrible mother, and my mom kept saying incredulously "The doctor didn't give him anything?"
There is nothing more challenging for me than keeping my mouth shut when people say those kinds of things to me. I know she didn't mean anything by it, and people who have said things in the past don't mean anything by it either. But, it makes me feel like a bad mother...and there is NOTHING IN THE WORLD that I want more than to be a good mom to Finn. It's hard because I second guess each and every decision I make. My mind is a constant stream of "Am I making the right decisions? Should I let him have some french fries? Should I spend $3 more on organic cheese? Should I let him sleep in our bed? In our room? In his bed? Am I messing my child up? Should I be reading to him more? Less? Should I let him watch no tv? Some TV? How much? Am I doing this well?" and for someone to question decisions that I make, when I already question them enough for all of us, is rough. I don't know if the doctor did the right thing by not giving him anything, but I'm not a doctor...and I'm trying to do the best I can.
Monday was okay, and Tuesday was okay even though we stayed after school for yearbook. I've gotten almost all my grading done, and I am working to finish some things up here at school. Things just feel easier. I am even trying to give up pop (again) and starting to worry more about eating/exercise again. I'm just hopeful that things keep getting easier and easier.
Here's hoping that it continues :)
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