Hello. It's me again.
I don't know why I started that way, but I did. I'm going to write in a semi-stream-of-consciousness way today...so you are in for a treat (sarcasm? completely!). The last several days have been interesting. I don't know why but things have started to turn. I am in a better mood, I am feeling more optimistic, and I am feeling less crabby. It's pretty great. We even have all the laundry done around our house, which is a HUGE, HUGE feat for us.
I'm pretty sure that it's because it is May. It is FINALLY May...30 days left until the last day of school. Then I have two glorious months off. I cannot wait.
The last several days have been pretty fun. Last week on Friday Finn was sick again, and I was at the end of my rope. I took the day off and I'm relatively certain that it was unpaid because I have no more sick days (that's how sick this child has been all year...poor baby). I was incredibly frustrated, but took him to the doctor. The doctor said that it was probably either allergies or a cold, and that there was nothing we could do (that's what they always say). Suffice it to say that he started to feel better pretty quickly after that. I had to take him to work with me twice during the day (while I had the day off, what?). He was so crabby that he wanted to be held while I got 10 cameras ready for students to take out for the weekend to shoot their photo projects, and by the time I left I was dripping sweat. We survived the day anyways, and I geared up for the next day.
Saturday came and I had two photo sessions--which is AMAZING. I am so happy with where I've been going photographically lately. I've been trying to read as much as possible, and learn as much as possible and make my craft something that I'm truly proud of (I'm not saying that it wasn't already, I just want to keep growing and getting better and better). After the three sessions I had last week, I really felt like I was noticing a difference in my style. I love the photos from all three sessions, and I was so proud of what I had given to these people--I felt proud of my work. I haven't always felt like that after each session.
Sunday Finn and I went to Grant's 6th birthday party, it was at a place called Monkey Joe's and Finn had SO SO SO much fun. He loved every second of that place. I seriously need to look into a summer membership. The only downside of it was that on the way home he just coughed and coughed and coughed. I'm pretty sure everyone in the car thought I was a horrible mother, and my mom kept saying incredulously "The doctor didn't give him anything?"
There is nothing more challenging for me than keeping my mouth shut when people say those kinds of things to me. I know she didn't mean anything by it, and people who have said things in the past don't mean anything by it either. But, it makes me feel like a bad mother...and there is NOTHING IN THE WORLD that I want more than to be a good mom to Finn. It's hard because I second guess each and every decision I make. My mind is a constant stream of "Am I making the right decisions? Should I let him have some french fries? Should I spend $3 more on organic cheese? Should I let him sleep in our bed? In our room? In his bed? Am I messing my child up? Should I be reading to him more? Less? Should I let him watch no tv? Some TV? How much? Am I doing this well?" and for someone to question decisions that I make, when I already question them enough for all of us, is rough. I don't know if the doctor did the right thing by not giving him anything, but I'm not a doctor...and I'm trying to do the best I can.
Monday was okay, and Tuesday was okay even though we stayed after school for yearbook. I've gotten almost all my grading done, and I am working to finish some things up here at school. Things just feel easier. I am even trying to give up pop (again) and starting to worry more about eating/exercise again.
I'm just hopeful that things keep getting easier and easier.
Here's hoping that it continues :)
James and I just had a long conversation about medicine when you're sick. I had a sore throat and was feeling under the weather, and he was going on about how doctors give out antibiotics all the time when they a. do not actually "cure" most illnesses and b. are actually counterproductive and lower your...I forgot but it was some medical speak so I kind of tuned out. He said it's because of patient pressure that so many doctors will prescribe stuff to us when we see them. Your Finn story reminded me of that, but since I am not a doctor either I have no clue if your doc was operating under the same premise or not.
ReplyDeleteI love the part about all the questions you ask yourself, because I find myself constantly second- (and third) guessing myself all over the place now. It's like I believe every.single.decision. will impact her life from this moment on. I constantly feel some sort of guilt over something-or-other, and wonder if I am messing up Violet if I let her sleep next to me for a nap, supplement with formula here and there, let her cry a little to see if she will fall asleep, don't dress her with a long-sleeved undershirt one day, etc.
I think we need to stop beating ourselves up and looking at how phenomenal we are as mommas.
Haha, that last sentence should say, "I think we need to stop beating ourselves up and START looking at how phenomenal we are as mommas..."
ReplyDeleteRachel--I don't know why, but I just saw this comment. I agree, but it's so hard. I know everyone is just doing their best, but it's so hard for me because there are so many times when I feel like I'm doing my best in general, but because of work not my best as a parent.
ReplyDeleteIt'll all be okay! And thanks for the comment.s