Restless

*Sidenote
Sometimes I worry about coming "here" to complain.  Sometimes I think "people must hate me" or "I don't want to bore everyone."  And while I sat here thinking about what to write, and wanting to complain I thought those thoughts, but then I remembered.  I write this for me.  I write this as a journal, so I can look back at this time in my life and remember what I really thought, really felt, how much I was in love with Finn, and how good things were...AND how bad things were. I'm not trying to sugar-coat life here.  I want to look back at this and know that I wasn't writing for anyone except me.

So, while I appreciate if you like to read this blog, and I always appreciate if you comment or leave advice...I also need to have a spot to just be able to bitch and complain sometimes.  Because, no one wants to hear me complain on a daily basis, and I'm pretty sure people are getting sick of me.  But I'd rather have this sound real, than have it be some fake "everything is butterflies and rainbows" look at my life.

 I'm not saying things are really bad, but this has ABSOLUTELY been a really difficult year for me.  And I've had serious struggles with what to do for Finn, and what to do for myself, and my family and felt alone and scared and like I'm a failure and a bad mother.  And I'm not going to hide from that...it's real and it's what I've dealt with.  I want to remember that too. 

I want to remember 10 years down the road when a new friend has a new baby what I felt like, so I can offer support.  I want to remember 30 years down the road when Finn has his babies what hurt my feelings, and how people treated me, and how scary it was so I can support him. 

So yeah, that's my long-winded way of apologizing for complaining...but not REALLY apologizing for complaining.

*End of side-note.

So, this past week has been insane AGAIN.  I'm so sick of everything feeling insane.  First, Finn got the stomach bug, I got it on Friday, which REALLY sucked for a lot of reasons:
1.  I felt awful and horrible
2.  I felt awful that this is how Finn had felt the day before.
3.  I had to shoot a wedding on Saturday, for 10 hours, in 90 degree heat.

So I was scared that I wouldn't be able to shoot, but thankful that I had gotten it Friday and not Saturday...and REALLY thankful that my dad is consistently there for me, and left work early to pick Finn up from daycare and brought him to my parent's house and watched him until Randy picked him up.  The worst was over at that point, and because what does my pain matter, Randy went out to mow the lawn.

Karma came back and got him because he got sick on Sunday, which didn't make me HAPPY, but I definitely said at one point "do you think you could watch Finn while I run out to target" so that he knew how it felt.

There was also some drama over the weekend that was exceptionally sad. 

So overall, not a great weekend.  This week, not so great either.  It's a Crier week (AGAIN!!!) and so I'm here all night every night.  I have no one to watch Finn for a few days this week, which I am stressing out about...my parents are watching him like 4-5 times in the next few weeks, and I feel bad asking them again, but it looks like I'm going to have to because no one else has gotten back to me.   I HATE asking people to watch Finn, but not as much as I hate having him at school MISERABLE. 

Anyways, remember the title of this blog?  Like 55 years ago?  That's what I wanted to talk about originally.  I am so damn restless.  There are so many things that I want to do/want to be doing and I don't have time to do any of them.  I got a new jogging stroller, and haven't used it.  I want to start knitting...no time.  I want to...I want to....I want to...

I have rambled on much too long, so I am going to stop now.

Hope your week is calm! :)