A few things have happened in the last few days that have made me seriously question myself. I am going to be pretty blatantly honest in this post, so...there's that.
First, my cell phone broke and I was without a phone for almost 24 hours. This was anxiety-inducing in a somewhat embarrassing way. It shouldn't be that awful for me to live my life without a phone for one day, but it was.
Second, yesterday Finn cried when he left my parents house. I know that the rational part of my brain should be happy about this. I should be glad that he loves my parents house so much, and I really am. The kid practically jumps out of my arms to go to my mom every time we go there. He starts yelling "PAPA PAPA PAPA!" when we are a half-mile away. The irrational, sappy part of me thought that I had more time with him wanting me and only me. Finn has never shook his head "no" when I held out my arms to him, or cried when he came to me...until yesterday.
Randy and I went to movie, and afterwards we picked him up and he cried and cried when I took him out of my mom and dad's house. It was really sad to me in a selfish/irrational "you're mine" kind of way. But it was also sad to me in a "Wow, kid, you're more grown-up than I realize" kind of way.
Then, today I read this blog http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/
It's about being connected too much, and always having your phone with you, etc. etc. Now, some of the things in this article I don't do and I have never done. But others, I HAVE done, and I do them often, and it embarrassed me.
I put this together with the first two things, and it really made me think. Am I missing Finn's childhood? Am I not paying enough attention? Am I on this blog, facebook, instagram, etc. documenting his life rather than sitting with him and LIVING his life?
What am I doing?
So, after thinking about this for a while, I made a decision that I hope to follow. I am signing out of all social networking for a while. My actual long-term goal is to sign out completely until August. However, being as addicted as I am, my short term goal is a week. If I make it a week, I can reevaluate from there.
Now, I have to be on facebook for the photography company every once in a while, so here are my rules.
- Remove facebook, twitter, instagram and pinterest from my phone.
- Do not blog, update statuses, tweet etc. at all.
- Do not POST any pictures of ANYTHING I do. (I am a photographer, I can't stop taking pictures, sorry)
- Do not check facebook, blogs, pinterest, twitter, etc. while I am in the car/with Finn in any way.
- Do not check them at all unless it is for business purposes.
I am tired of being "checked in" so much. I am tired of reading people's posts and wondering "is that about me?" or being offended by someone's political leanings, etc. I need to relax, I need to let it go. I need to experience life with my son.
I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I am so full of self-loathing. I feel like I'm not good enough in so many different and distinct ways. My weight (probably the worst of my self-loathing comes from this), my looks, my mothering, my working out, my marriage, my home, my business...and I need to find some way to streamline, and to make myself see the beauty around me.
It is there. I know it is, because I just snuggled my son to sleep, and I thought to myself "how is it possible to love someone so much?" I just get angry with myself for not being better for him, for not being good enough, and I need to change that in a lot of ways. (I realize that giving myself a fucking break is one of those ways).
So, I'm taking a break from making myself feel bad. I'm going to try to eat well (no craziness, just eat well), work out, feel good about myself, and love my son and cherish every second I have with him.
I am officially starting on July 5th, but my guess is that it might be a bit sooner.
I will be back (at least to this blog) to report. I can't be sure about facebook, twitter or instagram. I have a problem.
I don't know when you will get this, so it might be that I see you in person before you read it. Your post made me so very sad for many reasons. I have had moments where I felt overwhelmed or that I was not doing the best I could with Violet, but I'm sure you know that is normal to some degree. But I guess that since I love Violet with every single millimeter of my being, and that I can feel it pouring out of my fingertips just at the sight of her, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am Best Mom Ever for that baby. Anyone who knows you knows you have love like that for Finn, so how could you be missing out on him? You give that boy more love and attention than so many other unfortunate children ever get and he is so lucky for it. There are children out there who are abused, neglected, or just plain old treated like they don't matter. I am SICK at the thought of how other children out there are being treated, something I never gave a thought to until I had Violet. If your biggest concern right now is that he cries when he leaves his loving grandma and grandpa's house,then you are a very good mama. I am not saying any of that to diminish your feelings (just in case it comes across that way).
ReplyDeleteAs for the social networking, I think it is fantastic, if used in a healthy manner. I LOVE seeing pictures and videos of Finn, and I know there are many, many others who agree. I LOVE taking pictures of Violet and posting them because I know it beings so much joy to people who see her rarely, or never at all. You are not taking anything away from Finn by doing all of that, you are adding to his life by allowing others to see him grow and love him too, and by creating a dialogue between yourself and other moms.
I wish I could take away all the feeling bad about yourself you have going on. I know that the issue requires more than someone just telling you you're great. I will definitely miss all the posts and pictures and videos of Finn. I always love when you put up new albums.
Last thing and I will leave you alone: I agree that many people today are WAY too "plugged in." No one should feel the need to "check into" places they go ALL THE TIME, constantly text, constantly bellow out their political, religious, or child-rearing convictions, or constantly update Twitter or FB talking about how many times you crapped that day or how your boyfriend used half a cup of bleach in the laundry and you smelled it from two floors above (yes, those were both actual status updates from FB friends). Is it possible though to have some of these things and use them minimally, or sparingly? Maybe choose one between FB and Twitter? Or just use the phone for....phone calls? (OK, OK, texts too). I don't know. I think I am big and fat and old because I haaaaaate technology. I do not embrace the touchscreen flat screen digital streaming xbox wii handheld gadget stuff or ipads or maxi pads or whatever the fuck. I don't buy things if I can possibly get them in other ways, like the library, like ebay, like Craigslist. I just canceled my cable too, and we now get zero, you heard me, zero channels. I have not turned on my TV in two months. I did, however, watch Mad Men and Teen Mom online. I'm not INSANE after all. James is checking out every season of The Wire from the library watching it on the TV, otherwise it would remain unused. I am not tooting my own horn in that paragraph like I am holier than thou, but it's hard to offer advice without backing it up with personal experience.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can all take a lesson from your post. Downsize, keep it simple? It is a philosophy of mine that I abide by in many ways, but not all (again, I'm not insane). Utilize the library for much more than books. Go on Facebook to post pics and have fun (only), grow some shit in your backyard and make dinner with as few canned/premade things as possible. It makes you feel really good when you do that. I'm rambling at this point. I guess I just felt bad reading this post. All of this would come across much better if we were in person eating something. I just ate a bowl and a half of ice cream (Damn you mint chocolate chip! Damn you so hard!!!!) But fuck it.
Becky,
ReplyDeleteI just texted Keith earlier to say we need to have one day a week dedicated to being unplugged (I don't know if that's pathetic or ironic). I also asked that we have one christian-growth day. A day when we are only tuned into Christian media (K-Love or our pastor's podcasts). We need a change.
I also just read a ... I forget the word... summary of a book about how we need to quit looking at other families' lives because all we're getting is a snapshot. If you think about the photos you take they look great once you pick the photo when everyone is smiling and you photoshopped it and cropped or whatever magic it is that you do; but it took you and your client's a few times to get that one photo. Everyone else sees the cute, awesome art you put together, but no one saw the work you put behind it nor do they see the rejected photos. We see what we want to. We see people in their shiny moments and envy sets in. I could give you a biblical explanation for that, but I'm just gonna say that it wasn't God's intention for us to live like that.
Somewhat related: Brandy Kern has a good friend, Jenn, who is stationed out here & I met up with her. I like her-- she's pretty awesome. She and I got to talking about how we have like 2 friends we've kept from high school. I told her about how I was a complete and utter mess pretty much from high school through... well, I suppose I still can be a mess. Anyway, I was telling her how much I am amazed at how awesome you, Jenn, and Christie are and how I have no idea why you kept me but I'm glad you did and continue to do so. So, my friend, even if you think you're a mess (which you're far from it) you have very many people who love you so much-- no matter where you are in your journey as a momma or woman. Finn probably loves you more than anyone can imagine. He thinks you're pretty awesome. He was probably just having lots of fun with your parents when you came to get him. :)
I rambled, but I'm exhausted and I'm not going to proof this. I hope you followed me. If not, here's the summary: good luck, love what you're doing, love on yourself, lots of people love you, you're an awesome momma (fyi I've compared myself to you on many occasions and felt inadequate... just saying) and that's all.
Love you!
Lee