So...the first week is over. I have about 5,403 things to do. It's really ridiculous. I actually said the following words on Friday, "I forgot what it's like to be THIS busy." This happened as I was running to make copies during lunch (after I pumped, talked to students and scarfed down a salad). In actuality, I have never been this busy. I've never done both before, I have never been both a mommy and a teacher. It's hard.
I want to talk about how it's been, but not all of it. I think it's still a bit too raw to really discuss in detail. The last few days have really been the most difficult of my life. The prospect that it's not over yet, that this is the new "reality" is very difficult for me to swallow. And I can't get to the point yet where I've accepted it. Wednesday and Thursday night were terrible. Finn was in a terrible mood, and he was the crabbiest he has ever been in his entire life. It was absolute agony to watch and hear. Laura (the woman who watches him) said, "he was fine" every day, but she doesn't know him. He is not crabby, EVER, he is the happiest, most laid back baby I've ever met. It's so horrible.
He had some trouble taking two bottles a day for the first days, but he is doing well. He sleeps well there, but one day he was very crabby. I have cried every time I've dropped him off, and most of the times after I pick him up. It's not good. This weekend he's been great, back to normal. Which doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like YES the reason he's been crabby is because you leave him all day long, and he doesn't like it.
He had some trouble taking two bottles a day for the first days, but he is doing well. He sleeps well there, but one day he was very crabby. I have cried every time I've dropped him off, and most of the times after I pick him up. It's not good. This weekend he's been great, back to normal. Which doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like YES the reason he's been crabby is because you leave him all day long, and he doesn't like it.
So, there still hasn't been a day that I've dropped him off and not cried the whole way to school. There hasn't been a day where I picked him up and didn't feel guilty. I honestly think that Friday was the worst, he stared at me while I walked out the door. He wasn't crying, more just searching for me. As if he was saying, "Mom, where are you going again?" I lost in on the way out.
It's supposed to get easier, I know it. But all I keep thinking about is "If I had more money, I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to get upset every day. I wouldn't have to worry about it. "
Another thing that sucks is that I feel like today, for the first time, I really realized that Ashley is leaving in two weeks...for nine months. It makes me want to curl up into a ball. Just another way that I fail. I am not even able to go visit her, because of stupid money. I can't believe I won't see her for so long. It's NOT going to be good.
So...that was my week.
How was yours?
It's supposed to get easier, I know it. But all I keep thinking about is "If I had more money, I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to get upset every day. I wouldn't have to worry about it. "
Another thing that sucks is that I feel like today, for the first time, I really realized that Ashley is leaving in two weeks...for nine months. It makes me want to curl up into a ball. Just another way that I fail. I am not even able to go visit her, because of stupid money. I can't believe I won't see her for so long. It's NOT going to be good.
So...that was my week.
How was yours?
It won’t be like this for long
ReplyDeleteOne day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long
Sometimes country music is just perfect.
My week is more:
I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
New favorite song, btw
You know, I could say, don't worry... it'll defintely get easier -- and for a lot of people that would be true. For others, it won't get better, but that's ok, too. In life, we make things work. If it gets to the point where you just can't do it anymore, then you'll stop. And it will be ok. You won't have new clothes. You won't be able to go out to eat. But you'll make it work.
ReplyDeleteEither way, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Either way, he has a mommy and daddy that love him.
Either way, you are a successful parent, not a failure.
If you want to hear my experience, Miles did the same thing when I started him (at 4 months!) at daycare. I freaked out and then read that babies often wait until after day care to blow off steam. You'll often be told he's an awesome baby and then he'll be a beast for you. They don't fully know their day care people yet so they hold it in. It's like they're being polite. As soon as mom comes to get him though, he lets it all out (lucky us). It's supposed to be a sign of trusting you. He'll come to know the daycare routine and it'll stop.
Now, Miles cheers when he gets to go. We had another rough patch at about 18 months, but again, it was something that lots of kids went through at that age.
Having a baby is an infinite process of "new normals" and this is no exception.
You're a great mom. Rest in that.
Much love
Thank you both. Seriously. The best thing I can hear right now is "you are not a failure."
ReplyDeleteoh becky!! i totally feel you! every time i worked it seemed like danielle wanted to eat all night...it doesn't matter that she took bottles all day..the fact that she didn't feel how she wanted to feed was enough to make her eat all night. it's rough im late, i know but i really think that you'll get a good routine down, if you haven't already by now, and feel better about everything... it takes a lot of getting used to for you and finn you will both be fine... i've also been torn between family and my job, not a teacher, but a nurse...i have to work holidays and weekends and stuff and with my husband being a cop, it's rare to have a holiday off together so i totally feel you but you are a great mommy and doing a wonderful job!!! it will get better! <3
ReplyDelete