Failure.

Today, as a mother, I would grade myself a big, fat F. 

This week has been a challenging week.  It's a Crier week, and it's also Paragon deadline.  That is a LOT of time at school.  I spent 8 hours here on Sunday, and probably 16 hours here so far this week.  The majority of that time has been with Finn as well, which is a special brand of challenging. 

Today, at home started off great.  Finn slept until 7:45, we straightened up, made eggs, and then Gus and V came over to play. 

It went downhill at approximately 11:30.  I put Gus and V down for their naps, they went to sleep, and were great...as usual.  I put Finn down for his nap, and I left the room. 

I came back ten minutes later.  Finn had all the lights on and was jumping on the bed. I put him back to sleep.

I came back five minutes later.  All the lights on, throwing clothes out of a drawer.

I came back ten minutes later.  All the lights on, playing with a tripod.

I came back ten minutes later, still lying in bed.

So, I went downstairs to walk on the treadmill.  I came upstairs FORTY MINUTES LATER.  My son is sitting on the couch, playing with my phone...wide awake.  He also threw all the freshly cleaned laundry on the floor. 

HE ALSO OPENED BOTH DOORS TO THE ROOMS WHERE THE OTHER CHILDREN WERE SLEEPING!  One was awake, one was asleep.  Both eventually went back to sleep. 

I put Finn back in bed.  I came back five minutes later....he is going through my bedside table.  I was so freaking angry, I swatted his behind.  He promptly said "No hit me!"

I felt terrible, I mean really terrible.  I don't hit.  I don't believe in hitting, I've never hit him before.  Now, I know I didn't really hit him, but I got mad at him, so angry.  I also told him he was acting like a "bad boy" which I've never said to him before. I hate that he even knows the word bad. 

I still don't know what I should have done differently.  Does he just not need a nap anymore? I have no idea.  I just sometimes feel so at a loss for what to do, and I feel like I really failed today.  I failed myself, and I failed my child.  Some people might think, "it's no big deal" but it's a big damn deal to me.  I don't hit, I don't say that he is acting like a bad boy.  That's not me. 

What pisses me off the most is that I know if I wasn't doing all the after school work, I wouldn't have been so stressed out about it.  It's not okay that I took out that stress on him.  It's just not okay, and I am feeling like shit about it. 

I know there's going to be moms out there that may read this and say "no big deal" and there are others out there that will say "I would never do that."  I don't really care about either, I care about my own standards...and I failed miserably at standing up to those today.

Also, here's what pisses me off a lot.  Each and every time that one of my friends is upset, I call or text them.  I say "what's up?" or "are you okay?"  I ask about their children, I ask about how they are feeling, I ask about all that shit. 

Wanna know how many people asked me how my day was?   Or why I was upset?  Or what was wrong?

One, two if you include my husband. 

I am so tired of trying to be there for people who aren't there for me.

And yes, this is a tirade.  And a rant.  And I don't give a shit.

This is my blog.  I'll write what I want. 

Ain't nobody got time for that.