So, I'm sorry that I've been MIA. Though, I'm somewhat certain that there are about 4 of you out there that care, and honestly that might be a pretty confident estimate.
Anyways, there is a reason that I have been staying away from here. I only think about one thing that I want to write about, well maybe two things: I think about (1) how I don't want to go back to school and (2) I think about ways that I may be able to stay home with my baby boy. That is it.
Today, I had a serious nervous breakdown because yet another facebook friend is staying home for the year. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, I really am, but I am. I can't help it. I don't want to miss Finn's childhood. I feel like an awful mom. Why can't I make this work? I can't help feel like if I did something better I would be able to swing this. If I was a better photographer, if I was a better wife, a better mother, thinner (I know I'm branching into irrationality here, but this is how it is), richer, etc. etc.
Money has never been terribly important to me. I don't really care about cars, houses, fancy iPads, etc. I mean, I like stuff, but it's never been that important to me. I've never wanted a big house, I'm fine with our hand-me-down furniture, and our little, cute house. This is the first time in my life that I've thought about money making me happy. It makes me terribly sad.
So, that's why I'm not here. Because every time I come here, this is all I can think to write about. How unfair my life is. And I know it's ridiculous. I have a gorgeous, healthy baby. I love him more than I can explain...life could be so much worse, and I hate to complain. BUT I HAVE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
So...sorry for complaining.
Becky, you're an amazing momma and Finn is one very lucky little guy-- even if you have to go back to work! There is no doubt in my mind that you will make the very most of the time you have with Finn and he will always feel loved. I know it doesn't ease what lies ahead of you. Thankfully, being a teacher means you get a few breaks throughout the year. Are you going to continue with Crier and yearbook?
ReplyDeleteYep, when I was hired in, I was hired as the journalism teacher, which includes tthe addendum positions. So right now it's not an option for me. It's going to be one hell of a year.
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