Censorship

Okay, so (some of you) may know this, but I am very much against censorship. I am a journalism teacher and firmly believe in our right to self-expression.

However, lately in my life I have been finding myself censoring myself so, SO much. And I am trying to decide if this is "growth" or "copping-out"--because I honestly don't know.

I've had a rough few weeks. Now, this is going to be a bit whiny, and since no one reads (or comments) on this blog, I guess I just don't care. Nothing big or bad has happened. I am a very lucky person. I have a great life, but sometimes I just get into a funk, and I'm going to bitch about it. So deal.

So anyways, I've been feeling super lonely lately--like I want to cry, and hide in the closet, lonely. Like I look at my phone and think to myself "who can I call that will really listen to me" and no one comes to mind. This makes me sad. Now, don't get me wrong, I have great friends, but sometimes they get caught up in their own lives (jerks!), just like I do. And they tend to talk about themselves, or try to relate to me, or just don't listen. This is fine, seriously, it is. But I want someone to listen to me, and not to say "It'll be fine" or "you're lucky" or something equally as trite. i want someone to bitch with me. I want my sister.

Ashley has now been in Dublin for almost 5 months, and I just want her to be back, because there is no one that can listen to me bitch like Ashley can, and there's no one in the world that understands me like she does. Not even Randy. I miss her so much, and I think this is why I have been so crabby, and depressed lately. I miss her, and I can't do anything about it.

So, back to my original purpose...censorship. When I feel this way, there is probably about 343484563845603480 times a day where I want to say things to people...whether it's other teachers, kids, my husband, friends, or family. I want to tell them they are wrong, I want to tell them that they are dumb, and "why don't you listen to me" and "if you don't agree with me you're stupid," "you're a know-it-all" or "I thought of that first" or "I told you that, don't steal my lines" or "shut up" but I don't.

I let them talk, I let them say their piece, and I try my GD best to not say a word. Is this the right thing to do? Is this me being "mature"? I know the answer is probably, but I miss just being a bitch. I miss just saying whatever I want, and to hell with the consequences.

Maybe that's why I keep thinking about Ashley--I never have to censor myself in front of her...EVER. We have a lot of the same viewpoints, but we also respect each other. If I think she's being an idiot, I tell her; and she does the same--she will straight up tell me that I'm being a bitch--and that's a good thing. It might even turn into a huge fight, but we will always be best friends--even when we hate eachother.

I hate feeling lonely.

Random addendum:
I am also feeling confused...about what to do, where to go, who to be. How do I turn my life into what I want it to be? How do I grow my photography company? How should I do these things? I am lost. Stupid Ashley--come home.