Dorks unite!

Okay, so if you know me...even just through this blog, you know that I am a serious dork. Like, hardcore. Not just your average day-to-day dork.

The kind of dork that saw the original Twilight movie 11 times in the theater, the kind of dork that sobbed when the final Lord of the Rings movie came out because "it's over!" The kind of dork that has a tattoo in elvish on her foot. The kind of dork that becomes a bit depressed after each Harry Potter movie/book, and after each Twilight movie/book because I can't quite piece together in my head how it's fair that Bella Swan gets to be a vampire and I don't. Or how Hermione Granger got her letter to Hogwarts when she was 11 and I didn't.

Yeah, that kind of dork.

So, I felt somewhat justified in straying away from the day-to-day boredom of my life, and delve into a little bit of vampire love.

So, Breaking Dawn has been out for a little bit almost two weeks at this point. And, I'm slightly ashamed to tell you (except, not really--I'm really pretty proud of it) that I have seen it 4 times at this point, and each time I see it I become more and more disgruntled that I am NOT a vampire, and even more disgruntled that Edward Cullen does NOT love me. Like, seriously, where is my Edward?

And, I know, I know. Randy is great. Seriously--he is. I think he's (almost) as close to Edward Cullen as a mere human can get. But, I'm telling you that Randy knows that if Edward showed up tomorrow, I would leave him. And I am 100% sure if Alice Cullen showed up...Randy would run away with her.

Now, here's what I want to talk about. Renesme. We will not even go into how stupid that name is. We won't even go there.

I want to talk about how motherhood has changed my entire life, even my view on these books.

I read all the Twilight books pre-Finn. I remember thinking (vividly) during Breaking Dawn something like "HOW COULD BELLA DO THIS TO EDWARD? WHAT IS SHE THINKING?" while she is carrying that baby. I remember being furious at her for putting him through that. At one point I threw that book at the wall I was so mad at her.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am fervently pro-choice. I still am. I think that it should be the mother's decision every time. While I may not agree with the reasons, it is not my decision. It's one of the reasons that it surprises me that I wasn't more angry at Edward, who at one point talks about tying Bella down and forcing her to "get rid of" the baby. Why wasn't I upset by that? Why didn't I support Bella making that choice?

Well...2-3 years later, re-reading the book and seeing the movie...and my views change DRASTICALLY. Now, I can't see any other option for Bella. I completely, 100% understand her love for that little baby, I understand how she loves Edward so much, and that makes her love the baby more intense.

You see how seriously I take these books? I know it's slightly insane.

But honestly, I am constantly surprised at the many ways that motherhood has changed me. Changed me in a way that I never imagined, never anticipated and changed me down to the core of my being. It's amazing.

At one point Bella says (in the movie) "it's not his choice--it's not any of yours" and I completely understand her intense love for that child at that moment.

Sorry to bore you with my dorkiness, but not really.

A million different directions.

Finn's first plane ride :)
Finn at the Mall of America pointing at some fishies.

This weekend was...well, interesting to say the least. This is the weekend, this ONE weekend a year that I take students on a trip for the National Journalism convention. We spend four days together bonding and learning about what good journalism is. It is actually much better than it sounds.

Well, I have been dreading this trip for months, not because of my students, but because I would be going on this four day trip to Minneapolis with Finn, and my friend Chrisanne, and her little one Tenley. Now, seriously I love these babies so much, but two babies on a plane ride and trying to entertain them, and 12 teenagers was a little daunting to me...and by a little I mean a lot. Like nightmares a lot. Like, I was shaking when we left the house to go on this trip. I just couldn't quite wrap my head around how it was going to go.

Well, we are home, and we survived. That's really all I can say. The trip was...full. I took Finn to the doctor on Wednesday, well, not the doctor, because the doctor couldn't get me in (of course)...so we went to urgent care. They said "his ears are clear" in a thick accent. I thought "you're all full of shit" in an American accent.

Sure enough, we fly to Minneapolis on Thursday morning, and cart those wonderful babies around from 4:30 am to 7:30 pm and they were angels the entire time...we went on a school bus, plane ride, shuttle bus ride, hotel check-in, city bus ride, train ride, back on the train and bus again, they were AMAZING. But he woke up on Friday worse than I've ever seen him. It was awful. We then walked 8 blocks away from our hotel (through the GHETTO) to find a CVS minute clinic, I burst into tears when she told me that she could only see kids over 18 months, we walked another 2 blocks through the ghetto to get to another urgent care clinic, they saw him and...who would have thought? A double ear infection.

(Oh wait...I know who would have thought...me. That's right. That's exactly what I said on Wednesday...idiots).

So now my baby is in Minneapolis, where we are supposed to watch 12 teenagers, sick as a dog. He stayed in most of the day on Friday. Saturday the kids went to their classes, and after classes they wanted to go see a movie (well, really they wanted to go back to the Mall of America, but I told them no). So we decided to walk through the skyway (which Minneapolis has all around the city) because it had snowed about 3 inches earlier in the day. It was a labrynth, and completely annoying. But we made it.

About half of the kids wanted to see a movie, and the other half wanted to just go back to the hotel. So we went to Jimmy John's and tried to figure out how to get back to the hotel. Our three options were:

1. Wait for a cab for an hour

2. Walk 7 blocks in the snow and cold

3. Walk the half-hour back through the labrynth of a skyway.

Appealing options, right?

And it was at this exact moment, sitting in a Jimmy Johns with one of my best friends, who had just gotten yelled at because she didn't hear the Jimmy John's worker yell out my sandwich I had an epiphany. This is the exact thing that I've been trying to explain to everyone. This is a perfect example of how I feel almost every day. Right here in Jimmy Johns I am making decisions in my head about 14 kids and 2 adults. I had a sick, whining, almost passed out baby in his carrier who needed to go home, who shouldn't have been out of the hotel. I had 7 kids waiting for me to make a decision about what we were going to do, I had 5 more kids whom I had just made a promise to me to call me as soon as they were done with the movies, and that they would take a cab home. And I wasn't making the right decisions for anyone.

That's how I feel daily. Like I am failing everyone. My students really wanted to go to the mall of america, but I didn't take them because I didn't want to cart Finn & Tenley around all night. So my students suffer. I take Finn out while he's sick and crabby because I wanted my students to have fun while they were in Minneapolis, so Finn suffers. I was failing everyone all at the same time, and it was an awful realization.

I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions---good teacher? Good mother? I was failing at both of these things. I felt like a bad mother because I was carting my sick child through cold streets while he felt horrible. I felt like a bad teacher because I wasn't letting my students have the fun they deserved to have in Minneapolis, and because I had them in two different locations. I felt like a bad friend because I was dragging my friend and her baby around to all of this as well.

I still don't know what the right conclusion is. What do I do? I don't know. I just want to be better. Because if there's one thing I learned from this insane trip is that these kids deserve it. All of these kids...my baby, Tenley, and all 12 of the teenagers who were with us (teenagers [who so many people say are dragging down this country] helped two crazy mothers carry their babies and their baby-equipment around the city for four days without ONCE complaining or being asked)--they are all amazing and they deserve the best, and I wish I could give them what they deserved.

Weekend to weekend.

I have never been a person that thoroughly dislikes my job. There are aspects of every job that are...let's say, LESS than enjoyable. But overall, my job is pretty great. I love my students, and I love what I teach. And, other than the intense amounts of grading...and, in my case, the ridiculous hours, it's a pretty good gig.

Well, lately a lot has happened that has caused me to...totally change my mind. The way teachers are regarded, the way they are treated, the lack of control they are given to do their jobs, and the micro-managing that is becoming part of the daily routine is somewhat sickening to me.

For the first time ever...I really can say that I do not like my job anymore. I still love my kids. I still love the subjects I teach, but my job...I kind of hate it.

I know that the first thing that has changed is the fact that I had Finn. And nothing is as fabulous as that child. It is definitely still ridiculously sad to leave Finn, but once I get to school it's not like I was counting down the minutes (most days), but lately it's just different. I feel sad to get there, and sad while I am there much of the time.

Recently, a lot of drama has happened, and I really can say for the first time that I am living weekend to weekend. I just countdown each week until I can be home with my angel for the weekend, and don't have to go to work. How sad.

This weekend was awesome. I spent two days with my sister-in-law/one of my best friends and brother in law, along with Randy and Finn in South Haven, Michigan. We spent time laughing, playing (or, in Randy's case--cheating at) Rack-o, shopping and (Randy and Mike) drinking. It was super fun.

Then, my best friend Allison came to visit, and it was just so damn nice to see her. We were able to hang out all day, and then go see Footloose with ANOTHER one of my bff's Chrisanne. It was so much fun, I can't remember laughing that hard in a long time--Allison's inappropriateness is something that is hilarious on so many levels.

So now, it's Tuesday night, and I have to go back to school tomorrow. And all I can think about is how I am living weekend to weekend.

So, only three days until the weekend....again :)

Please Fire Me.

Do you ever think to yourself....I wish that I would get fired so that I never ever EVER have to come back here again?

That's where I'm at today.

I hate my job.

It's going so fast.

Finn is nine months old...yesterday. He was due nine months ago TODAY.

So many people say to me, "Aren't you sad that it's going by so fast?"

The short answer is "Yes." Yes I am. But the long answer is better.

I am sad that he is growing, BUT I love him more and more every day. Each day Finn wakes up and it's an adventure. It is new, and exciting, and fun and beautiful. Every day I get to watch him grow more and more into the person who he is, each day I get the absolute honor of watching him become who he is meant to be.

It is my absolute joy. It is the most wonderful present I could ever ask for.

I hope one day Finn will know how wonderful he is, and how much I love him. I actually already think he knows. It is my utter pleasure to be his mommy.

This month Finn:

- Loves to eat ALL BY HIMSELF, he likes to pick up his own food.

- Loves to walk using his walker. He goes very fast.

- Loves to bounce up and down.

- Loves to snuggle Mommy and Daddy and Ella

- Loves to bang things on the table, or anywhere really

- Loves kids

- Loves watching the trees

- loves to read, turn pages and listen to stories

- Loves to give kisses

- Loves goldfish, and puffs, and not-so-much the organic veggie bites.

He is amazing, and we love him more each day.