This Wednesday I will be 38 weeks pregnant. Whoa. That went super fast.
Well, what I'm being forced to deal with is that I may not fully be over the trauma of Finn's birth.
Finn's birth was a rough one. In face, when our doula-Louise-came over to meet with us this week, she said in all the births she has done (well over a thousand) Finn's birth was in the top 3 hardest and longest births she had.
I think she said this to us to make us feel better, and empowered. In a way that meant, "if you could do that, you can do ANYTHING."
But yeah, it didn't make me feel like that. It made me feel scared all over again. In fact, it made me a bit terrified of the process. I strive so hard to have a mentality that "birth is normal" that "my body was made to do this" etc., etc. but sometimes I forget how scary it all can be. To not have control over the situation, to be scared about all the things that could go wrong.
More than that-I am so scared that it'll be the same as with Finn. I'm so scared that I will have 3 days of prodromal labor, that I will have 19 more hours of active labor, that I will push for 3.5 hours, that he will still have to be vacuum-extracted, and mostly, I am so afraid that after everything we still won't get to hold him, and that we will have to go through 24 hours of terror that he won't be okay, and can't hold him and can't nurse.
That's scary! I feel like sometimes it's worse than going in blind because you have all those worries behind it. What if it happens again? What if I can't do all that again?
Too much to think about!
Sorry I've been a slacker on reading lately-- me and my silly traveling.
ReplyDeleteYour doula is right. You did it before and you can do it again. You're a momma. We think we can't but then we just do. It's amazing, really, what love pushes us to accomplish.
I'm truly hoping you will have a much easier second labor. Most people do.
Also, I know you are super uncomfortable, but you have this awesome little guy getting ready to meet you. ((I so wish I could be there to meet him before he's 2!!)) I am so happy and so excited for you, Randy, and Finn!
I remember before Kate was born that I couldn't imagine loving a little person in any way close to the way I do now. In those quiet moments the first day after she was born I remember thinking I completely understood the meaning of 'my cup runneth over' for the first time in my life. I felt so much love for her and felt so loved my heart felt overflowing with complete and utter joy and love. I imagine Crosby will make that statement even more true for you.
Best of luck my friend. I miss you lots and wish I got to spend more time with you.
Love
Lee