Well hello.
I haven't blogged in a while, though this one has been floating through my head for the last week or so.
First, I have gotten to the crazy-gigantic, uncomfortable stage of pregnancy. The part that I am fairly certain was invented by those who wanted to scare us females into thinking that SURELY the pain of labor MUST be better than this nonsense. The nauseous, crampy, heavy, bloated, heart-burn ridden-ness, the labor must be worth it to make this stuff stop.
Well, with this pregnancy, along with all these other symptoms...I have some crazy, out-of-control hormones making me ridiculously emotional. My emotions are completely all over the place.
At every moment of the day I am feeling some emotion, but it's like I am incapable of feeling that emotional on a normal level. My emotion has to be felt at like a 434524525234 on a scale of 1-10. For instance, while I sit here writing this blog, Randy is watching some stupid show, and two fans are going at our house. And the fucking noise is making me want to kill Randy, or walk over to him and punch him in the face. (Emotional translation= I want it to be quiet). But instead of feeling mildly irritated by this, I am literally sweating because I am so angry about it. Is there a logical, rational reason for this...nope. Do I care? Nope.
So, within the last few days there have been so many emotional ups and downs that I can barely stand it. For example, this morning Randy and I were sitting at the park after going to the Farmer's market watching Finn run around the park, and run up and down a little grassy hill. And here I am, crying...like, literally tears running down my face, because I can't believe that that little boy is so beautiful, and so happy, and so mine, and so vibrant and alive, and 100 more adjectives. And then I start to talk to Randy about how damn scared I am about how it's even possible to love another human being as much as I love Finn. How will I love Crosby like I love Finn (the rational side of me knows this is silly, but the emotional side of me is truly frightened about this)? Will I love him enough? Will I love Finn enough when Crosby is here? Will I ignore Finn? Will he feel uncared about? How many ways can I be afraid of screwing my children up? Will the second-guessing EVER end?
The emotions aren't always so nice though, they aren't always happy tears and questions about love for my children. Sometimes, the emotions are downright mean and angry. Yesterday morning Randy was pissing me off, because Randy always wants to cook big breakfasts on the weekends. But Randy NEVER wants to clean up those breakfasts, and he certainly doesn't want to clean them up right away. Normally, I don't mind too much, but at 9 months pregnant, I mind. I mind a lot. So I said something mean to Randy, called him a jerk, and a few other choice phrases. He then took Finn outside to play in the sandbox and t-ball. I calmed down, and got a bottle of water and some goldfish, and walked outside. Randy said "why are you outside with a jerk?" Passive aggressive--yes. Worth my reaction--no. Because here's my reaction...I threw my water bottle, which exploded into an impressive fountain, threw my goldfish crackers, ran inside, closed the door, and cried for 25 minutes.
Randy eventually came inside, probably to fight more, but saw how upset I was and apologized and just rubbed my back for a while.
I am just so tired of feeling so manic/depressive. I'm either way up or way down, and it comes on in moments.
Other examples from the week:
- Saw a picture of V that her aunt posted, and started immediately crying because I haven't seen them in 2 weeks, and I miss them :(
- Texted one of my friends, and they didn't text me back immediately, got irately angry, threw my phone against the wall.
- Countless times have gotten into it with Randy for no reason other than to have someone to fight with.
- Cried more times than I can even count about beautiful things (mainly Finn)...things Finn does/says/sings, seeing something beautiful, thinking about brothers in our house.
- Cried more times than I can even count about having to do things...things that (in my mind) SHOULD be easy, but are quite difficult for me at 9 months pregnant...like cleaning baseboards, cleaning fans, doing laundry. Blah blah blah.
I have to be done now, because I'm getting emotional just writing this...for no reason.
Hopefully the crazy ends soon!
No comments:
Post a Comment