A little dignity please?

So, anyone out there who has been pregnant before knows that there is very little that feels "dignified" about the process of pregnancy and labor.  Somehow it gives people liberty to talk about your body, your weight gain, your breasts, and that's with complete strangers.  My friends, oh my friends get to hear the good stuff, the really gritty part of pregnancy and labor.

However, there are times during pregnancy where I want to scream at the top of my lungs "A LITTLE DIGNITY, PLEASE!"

And yesterday was one of those times.  I had an appointment with my midwife at  11:40, and I had a little test called the Group B strep (GBS) test, and also my first vaginal exam in...like 8 months.  At 36 weeks, or 9 months they start checking to see if you've made any progress...dilation-wise, effacement-wise, pelvic station-wise.  For a GBS test they need to swab your vagina to check for infection that might affect the baby.

So, anyways, if you're like me...you need a little preparation time for this particular visit.  I needed some grooming action, and any of you that have seen me lately, might understand how damn difficult that process is.  

So whatever, I get that situation all done with, and Finn and I make our way to the doctor.  We get to the doctor--ipad in hand, cheeze-it's ready to be eaten.  To get into the doctor Finn HAS TO (seriously) press 4 different buttons.  He has to press the two handicapped entryway door buttons, he HAS to press the elevator button, and he absolutely must press the 2 for the second floor.  None of this is optional, this is what he lives for...this is how I get the child out of the house to go to the doctor with me, the promise of these damn buttons.

So we do that, Finn then announces to the entire room that he has to go potty, so my giant ass makes my way into the bathroom with him, crouches down and helps him go potty.  I cannot go yet, because I have to leave a urine sample.  So helping him go is excruciating.  We go back to the waiting room, where Finn refuses to speak to anyone that speaks to him.

Finally, they call us back and I get to "leave my sample" which is code for pee into a tiny cup, with my 2 year old watching me.  So, I've done this before, no big deal.  I go about my business, except this time, Finn knocks into me, which then knocks my hand, which then causes me to pee all over myself, and completely miss the cup.

So, then, Finn and I have to wash up, and I have to go tell the nurses that, in fact, I missed the cup, because why not embarrass myself further and announce to the entire room.  And I cannot say "my child ran into me" because that just sounds mean...like I'm blaming my 2 year old for something I should be able to do relatively easily.  So they say it's fine, they just need a little bit, which I have provided...go me.

I then move into the exam room, which is tinier than usual because of my impending vaginal check.  They take my blood pressure, I try to get Finn situated with the iPad in the chair in the corner of the room (p.s. that chair is directly facing where my exam will take place, so Finn will get a front row seat to the viewing of my junk).  And the nurse tells me to remove everything from the waist down.

Awesome.

I do so, and cover myself with the terribly uncomfortable paper cloth covering.  And from that moment, I am stuck where I am sitting, because if I get up--my entire ass is showing to the outside of the office if the door opens.

So, as soon as I cover myself with that stupid paper, Finn decides that it is time to jump on top of me and proceed to (literally) jump off the part of the table where my feet sit.  In the process of doing this, Finn rips a gigantic hole in my paper-covering exposing one of my legs.  He then, proceeds to (accidentally) rip three more holes in this paper covering in the 10 minutes that we are waiting for Bernie to come in the room.  He also cannot make whatever app he is playing with work, so he is coming over to me with that damn ipad every 10 seconds asking me for help.

Suffice it to say, by the time Bernie enters the room...I am very disheveled and very sweaty...EVERYWHERE.  So we chat for a little while, and then proceed to my exam, which I have to give a very specific apology about my sweatiness before-hand.  


And all I'm asking is why does shit like this have to happen to me all the time?  Why can't Finn just sit there for 10 minutes, why can't I just feel dignified for 10 seconds out of the day.

I suppose that it's all downhill from here anyways.

Geez.