Yeah, so I just left the doctor AGAIN, and Finn has a double ear infection (one is "REALLY" infected) AGAIN. I feel so discouraged. I feel like I am doing something wrong, and I even said, in a voice that was dangerously close to tears, "Is there something that we SHOULD be doing?"
The doctor that I've been seeing said, "no" and left the room.
And I came back to school.
Does that seem odd to you?
Me too.
I am irate about the fact that I called up that bitch on Saturday and told her that he was sick, and that I thought he had an ear infection and she said "Is he running a fever?" That is my least favorite question on the planet....because unless he just got shots, he NEVER runs a fever. I never ran a fever as a child either, so WHY IS THE FEVER THE END-ALL, BE-ALL OF SICKNESS?
So when she looks in his ear and says "Oh this one is bulging and really infected" and I want to deck her in her effing face because I KNEW IT and she should have done something on Saturday, because my angel has been in pain for two days because of her dumbass.
So this has swirled into a full out depression, and feeling very sorry for myself. I feel like there are very few people who understand me, and one of them is thousands of miles away. I am lucky that the others are here, but I'm lonely.
I am feeling very alone, and very misunderstood. I feel like everyone thinks I'm nuts, and people think I'm some crazy hippie (merging several topics at the moment...and p.s. I'm calling this a freewrite, because I don't care and will not edit or reread in any way, shape or form).
So I'm sitting here listening to John Lennon & Dave Matthews, because at least they are hippies too.
I don't know what my problem is, but it pisses me off that I had to come back to school tonight, and that I have to leave Finn again tomorrow, and that I feel like I'm doing something wrong when all I ever try to do is the best that I can for him, and I feel like everyone thinks I'm nuts, and don't know what I'm talking about.
So I'm done, and here's some John Lennon for ya.
"People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game
People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball
I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go."
I hope that I am half the mom you are. I don't think you're crazy. And I love that you're a hippie. It's going to all work out. I think you should look for a new doctor if you don't feel like you're being taken seriously by the one you have. Call me if you need to vent or cry or whatever. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and there is no way you could possibly do more for that little guy than you already do. I agree with bett on the dr front- she (the dr you've been seeing) doesn't have the same bedside manner that the regular dr does. Could you make an appt with him (just whenever you can get in to him) and ask him about being able to see just him? I don't know. I'm just sorry that Finn is sick and you are feeling so bad because you are such a great mom and you don't give yourself enough credit. Hang in there and give Finn a squeeze from me!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling so low. It's obvious to everyone how much you love that baby boy.
ReplyDeleteOn a separate note, Dr. Fuad Baroody is the now the only doctor I trust with Miles' ears. I saw a bunch of crazies before him and now I refuse to go anywhere else. He's an ENT specialist from Univ. of Chicago that comes to Merrillville once a week. I can get you his number if you want. Miles had painless ear infections (that no one ever believed me about) for three years. Finally had to break down and get tubes put in. :(
You are not a failure and you're an awesome hippie. I love your hippie-ness. Makes me feel normal. Finn is a very lucky little man who has a fantastic momma. You know him and you knew something was wrong. Sometimes doctors are a little too arrogant or busy or just wrong. It happens, but you kept pushing for him (cuz you're an awesomely fantastic [hippie] momma) and now he's on the way to feeling better.
ReplyDeleteIf your family has a history of ear infections maybe an ENT is a good idea. Also, next time the doctor asks if he's running a temp (and he's not, but he's sick) point out that you never ran fevers as a child, either. My doc listens to me when I tell her things like that and actually does things about it. (like testing Kate for a lazy eye bc mine was so bad).
The feeling like you're doing something wrong is because, if it were up to you, you would do everything you could to make sure Finn doesn't ever get sick or suffer in any way, shape, or form. BUT, unfortunately, we're human and there's only so much we can do. You can't make a doctor listen. You can't make sure no one ever coughs in his direction. You can't make sure everyone washes their grody nasty hands before they touch anything he will potentially touch or put his mouth on. You're not doing anything wrong. you're only being human. you can't do it all, but God can and if he let things come into Finn's life it's for a purpose and you guys will all get through it. It's super hard to put into practice-- to trust in that and believe that you, as mom, can only do so much. I'm learning that if we don't trust in that we'll be old and gray and way stressed out from trying to be and do everything. I'll still do my very best, but I know there are some things that are totally and completely out of my control. It sounds like Finn's ear infections, for the time being, are totally out of your control.
Try to love on yourself and take comfort in all the very good things that you do for Finn. After all, it's what Finn would want you to do because, in his eyes, you are perfect.
Thanks everyone! You all keep me sane!
ReplyDelete@Sarah-I definitely want the name and number of that doctor. I am going to the doctor for an actual "well" child check-up (while antibiotics are still in his system), so I am getting a referral while I am there!
@Leah-I love that entire comment. Seriously, you have no idea how much that entire comment made me feel better :)