Yesterday was a rough day...Finn was cranky all day long, he wanted to be held all the time. Honestly, I don't mind this too much, because he is so fabulous and I want to snuggle him all the time. But, sometimes it becomes a bit much when I can't take a shower before 1 pm.
It was made worse by the fact that I had to go into school. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy my job, and I LOVE my students...I just hate leaving my sweet baby boy. I got to school, and things were crazy...like insanely crazy. I had to meet with my yearbook students and talk about how the HELL we are going to finish this book by the end of the year. And so we sat down, and we mapped out each and every day that we are going to spend in the Pub. And, let me tell you, it's a lot. A LOT!
After that conversation, Randy called me and asked about Finn, because he was cranky. He was crying in the background. I was sad. Really sad. Like, I started crying right there at my desk. I don't want to miss everything. I don't want to miss his first word, his first steps, his first high five, his first...ANYTHING because I am at work. I want to be with him. It's hard, because I love those kids, they are fantastic...truly they are. But he is my everything.
I know it will get easier...and he'll love me. I know that my niece and nephew are great and they go to daycare, I know that there are millions of kids out there in day care and they will turn out fabulously. It's not that I mistrust leaving him with someone. We have found a wonderful woman, who is fantastic and we know that Finn will be fine with her...BUT, I don't want to leave him. I know that he will be good, but it's me. How pathetic is that? I don't want to miss it. I don't think that he'll be upset if I miss his first step, but I will be inconsolable.
I don't know if the stay-at-home mommies of the world realize how incredibly lucky they are. I know that I am incredibly lucky that I get to stay home for these first 6-7 months, because not a lot of mommies even get that opportunity. I'm grateful that my husband and I made the decision to make it work because it was the best thing for Finn and the best thing for me.
Any suggestions about how to deal with this would be appreciated?
P.S I love when people comment on my blog...I'm just saying...no pressure.
Keith and I have started the going back to work conversation. Even thinking about it breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteWhen I worked at the hospital my supervisor told her babysitter not to tell her if her little guy had a first. That way it was always his 'first' everything with her.