When I say "Yucky" to Finn he says "blech." It's probably one of the cutest things on the planet. Biased? Yes. We got him two new pairs of shoes over the weekend, and he screams bloody murder when we tried to put them on him. Like we were trying to kill him. He also cries when he puts his feet in the grass. What is that? He put the shoes on (finally) yesterday and only cried for a little while, but it was weird.
A student came up to me this morning and said, "I think that our critique should be due on Wednesday" to which I replied, "I appreciate your input."
It's a sad state that education is in at this point, truly sad. Yesterday I went to a meeting that talked about how grades shouldn't be punitive--you shouldn't give zeros for non-completion, you shouldn't take points off for being late, you should let students retake tests/redo papers until they master a skill. And then I wonder, "Why am I here?" "How could I run a newspaper staff or yearbook staff without being able to enforce deadlines?" It's just insane. Indiana is insane, education is insane, sometimes I think this entire country is insane. There's a new bill that just got introduced in Georgia that said if a woman's baby was stillborn--she would have to continue carrying it until she naturally went into labor...because cows and pigs do it all the time. What is happening here?
I am as close to depression as I have ever been. I don't really know why. Finn is coughing AGAIN, and I want to know why he is getting sick again. I want to know why I wake up angry almost every morning, and start (and end) the day sad or mad, or both.
Yesterday I got home from school at 5:15, to a HOT, MESSY house (after trying to entertain him at school for 2 hours)...and I do not do hot. I made dinner, while Finn (who has been REALLY clingy) cried and grabbed at my feet/legs. I tried to give him activities to do in the kitchen--which is what I normally do--but he just wanted to be held. And I couldn't do it. I never feel like I can do anything right, or what I decide is right. Randy didn't get home until 6:30, and all I could think was...I have to do this for four more days. Four more days. We took Finn outside and played, and then Randy put him to bed. I worked on things for my sister-in-law's shower, and went to sleep.
I don't know. I am just feeling lost, and tired, and I don't know how to pull myself out of this funk.
Writing sometimes helps, complaining sometimes helps, but I think what will really help is Spring Break, and time with friends, and seeing the Hunger Games this weekend...and spending time alone with Randy.
We will see.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Free to be you and me.
This is a post that I've had rolling around in my head for...a million years (so it seems), but it kind of came to a head this weekend, and well this morning (it's only 7:58 a.m.) Let me explain...
This weekend, we were at my parents house and Finn pooped (babies poop), and so we started to get him changed. In case you don't know...we cloth diaper. Well my brother was astonished that we cloth diaper (it's going on 8 months or so) and he asked curiously "Why?" I answered "Because it's cheaper and better for the environment" (two HUGE plusses to me!) and he then told the entire room that he spends only $18 a month on diapers (I spent around $80/month when we diapered that way). So then I pulled out my old stand-by "Well, I'm a hippie-freak." And everyone kind of laughed. (story #1)
Last week, my mentor came to visit me at school, and we were talking about Finn's daycare. One of my kids (whom I am not particularly fond of) said "You put Finn in daycare? That's the WORST thing you can do!" (story #2)
Yes this is a 15 year old child.
Would I ever EVER want my child to grow up to be like this child? Not in a million years.
Nancy answered, "Where did you think he went while she was here with you all day?"
How do you respond to that? How do you respond to something that plays on all of your biggest insecurities all at once. After a year of sickness after sickness, hearing from someone who supposedly respects you that this is the worst possible thing you could do to your child. Even if it is a kid--it hurt.
Then, this morning another student asked me about his daycare, and then proudly said "My mother would never send me to daycare--she would only send me to stay with friends and family."
Well yippee skippy for your mother, kid. I bet, being from Munster and all, she had the means to do so. I haven't had those means, as of yet. (story #3)
So...what's my point? Well, my point is. I didn't really understand the "mommy wars" until I became a mother, and I am telling you they are VICIOUS.
BUT, here's what I don't understand. Because I try to be overly sensitive about not offending people, I then go around degrading myself and my choices.
After we left my parents Randy said "Why did you do that?" (ie. saying I was a "hippie freak")and I said "I don't want to make other people feel bad." and he said "But you wanted to make yourself look bad, and downgrade the time you put into making that decision for him, and each decision for him?"
And I was kind of dumbstruck.
I don't want to do that. Because I'm doing the same thing that everyone I know is doing--trying to love their baby the best that they can. I'm trying to make the best, most informed decisions that I can. The fact that we are cloth diapering is something we discussed, and I campaigned for for a while. The fact that I am choosing to continue breastfeeding into toddlerhood is something that I've researched, and that Randy has researched...and we have the means to do it (honestly, it's EASIER than trying to wean him), so that's what we have decided to do.
Does this mean that if you don't do exactly what I do, I think that you're wrong? Heck no. Actually HELL NO! Seriously.
But because I respect what YOU choose to do with your child, I am going to start respecting what I choose to do with mine as well. I am a hippie (when it comes to child-rearing), but I'm not a freak. There are lots of people who parent like I do, and even if they didn't...this is what we have chosen. And, like everyone I know, that's what I think is best for my child.
I don't expect people to explain their parenting choices to me, so I'm going to stop explaining mine to them.
I don't think I deserve to be made to feel silly/crazy because of my choices. So I'm going to start with me. I will not downgrade myself anymore. I try my hardest to be a good mother, and there are days when I feel like a failure, but there are also days that I feel like a huge success. Co-sleeping, breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, doula-loving, natural- childbirthing and all.
This weekend, we were at my parents house and Finn pooped (babies poop), and so we started to get him changed. In case you don't know...we cloth diaper. Well my brother was astonished that we cloth diaper (it's going on 8 months or so) and he asked curiously "Why?" I answered "Because it's cheaper and better for the environment" (two HUGE plusses to me!) and he then told the entire room that he spends only $18 a month on diapers (I spent around $80/month when we diapered that way). So then I pulled out my old stand-by "Well, I'm a hippie-freak." And everyone kind of laughed. (story #1)
Last week, my mentor came to visit me at school, and we were talking about Finn's daycare. One of my kids (whom I am not particularly fond of) said "You put Finn in daycare? That's the WORST thing you can do!" (story #2)
Yes this is a 15 year old child.
Would I ever EVER want my child to grow up to be like this child? Not in a million years.
Nancy answered, "Where did you think he went while she was here with you all day?"
How do you respond to that? How do you respond to something that plays on all of your biggest insecurities all at once. After a year of sickness after sickness, hearing from someone who supposedly respects you that this is the worst possible thing you could do to your child. Even if it is a kid--it hurt.
Then, this morning another student asked me about his daycare, and then proudly said "My mother would never send me to daycare--she would only send me to stay with friends and family."
Well yippee skippy for your mother, kid. I bet, being from Munster and all, she had the means to do so. I haven't had those means, as of yet. (story #3)
So...what's my point? Well, my point is. I didn't really understand the "mommy wars" until I became a mother, and I am telling you they are VICIOUS.
BUT, here's what I don't understand. Because I try to be overly sensitive about not offending people, I then go around degrading myself and my choices.
After we left my parents Randy said "Why did you do that?" (ie. saying I was a "hippie freak")and I said "I don't want to make other people feel bad." and he said "But you wanted to make yourself look bad, and downgrade the time you put into making that decision for him, and each decision for him?"
And I was kind of dumbstruck.
I don't want to do that. Because I'm doing the same thing that everyone I know is doing--trying to love their baby the best that they can. I'm trying to make the best, most informed decisions that I can. The fact that we are cloth diapering is something we discussed, and I campaigned for for a while. The fact that I am choosing to continue breastfeeding into toddlerhood is something that I've researched, and that Randy has researched...and we have the means to do it (honestly, it's EASIER than trying to wean him), so that's what we have decided to do.
Does this mean that if you don't do exactly what I do, I think that you're wrong? Heck no. Actually HELL NO! Seriously.
But because I respect what YOU choose to do with your child, I am going to start respecting what I choose to do with mine as well. I am a hippie (when it comes to child-rearing), but I'm not a freak. There are lots of people who parent like I do, and even if they didn't...this is what we have chosen. And, like everyone I know, that's what I think is best for my child.
I don't expect people to explain their parenting choices to me, so I'm going to stop explaining mine to them.
I don't think I deserve to be made to feel silly/crazy because of my choices. So I'm going to start with me. I will not downgrade myself anymore. I try my hardest to be a good mother, and there are days when I feel like a failure, but there are also days that I feel like a huge success. Co-sleeping, breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, doula-loving, natural- childbirthing and all.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Weekends are my favorite :)
It was such a nice weekend! Starting the weekend, we had pretty much no plans, but we kept busy the entire time.
Remember how I told you about smiles, and pictures? This is it!
On Saturday, we drove with my dad (aka: Papa, which Finn said for the first time on Saturday, and it made me VERY happy) to Ava's basketball game. Finn LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it, and I wish that basketball was still going at Munster because I would take him to a few games.
He was mesmerized by the game, and sat still for 20 minutes (and I mean STILL just watching), then he went over and dazzled all of Ava's teammates for a little while! It was just so cute.
After we went to the park, and Ava and Grant took turns sliding down the slide with Finn and pushing him on the swing. He is a lucky boy to have such sweet cousins.
Then we drove home and went to pizza with Grandma, Papa, Ava and Grant (and Randy because he worked all day). It was delicious, and Finn was so good the entire time!
On Saturday, we went to Old Navy to find Finn something to wear for Miss Laura's St. Paddy's day party this Friday, and then headed to lunch with Aunt Betty and Uncle Mike. Finn was...not as good at lunch, but we still had fun :) Finn loves to go up and down the stairs now, so I spent a good portion of lunch helping him do just that.
After lunch, we drove around while Finn took a nap in the car, and then went to Grandma and Papa's to dye Easter eggs and have dinner.
Finn dyed exactly ONE Easter Egg, and then was pretty much done with it, which is FINE with us.
Then we all went to the park and played :) This is one of my new favorite photos of Randy and Finn.
My three favorites! :)
And Ryan brought back the trophy for the Norris Easter Egg hunt (which Randy and I will be bringing home this year!).
Then we got home, and when Finn went to sleep I watched Footloose, which is horribly awesome.
It was just fun.
Remember how I told you about smiles, and pictures? This is it!
On Saturday, we drove with my dad (aka: Papa, which Finn said for the first time on Saturday, and it made me VERY happy) to Ava's basketball game. Finn LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it, and I wish that basketball was still going at Munster because I would take him to a few games.
He was mesmerized by the game, and sat still for 20 minutes (and I mean STILL just watching), then he went over and dazzled all of Ava's teammates for a little while! It was just so cute.
After we went to the park, and Ava and Grant took turns sliding down the slide with Finn and pushing him on the swing. He is a lucky boy to have such sweet cousins.
Then we drove home and went to pizza with Grandma, Papa, Ava and Grant (and Randy because he worked all day). It was delicious, and Finn was so good the entire time!
On Saturday, we went to Old Navy to find Finn something to wear for Miss Laura's St. Paddy's day party this Friday, and then headed to lunch with Aunt Betty and Uncle Mike. Finn was...not as good at lunch, but we still had fun :) Finn loves to go up and down the stairs now, so I spent a good portion of lunch helping him do just that.
After lunch, we drove around while Finn took a nap in the car, and then went to Grandma and Papa's to dye Easter eggs and have dinner.
Finn dyed exactly ONE Easter Egg, and then was pretty much done with it, which is FINE with us.
Then we all went to the park and played :) This is one of my new favorite photos of Randy and Finn.
My three favorites! :)
And Ryan brought back the trophy for the Norris Easter Egg hunt (which Randy and I will be bringing home this year!).
Then we got home, and when Finn went to sleep I watched Footloose, which is horribly awesome.
It was just fun.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Room by Emma Donague
Okay, remember when I promised that this post would have pictures of Finn and emoticons? Well...it's not going to. However, it's not for the reason you think. I read a book yesterday and it was fantastic. It is called Room by Emma Donague and it was FANTASTIC.
I say this for several reasons...
1. I finished it in 1 day. Yes, I MAY have done nothing productive for the afternoon at school and read the entire time, but I felt like it was necessary to pull myself out of the funk I was in.
2. I dreamt about it all last night. Every time I woke up I was in Jack's mind (the protagonist).
3. I love books that I can climb around in. That make me feel like I am sitting next to the characters and having a great conversation where they are letting me glimpse their lives.
So, because I love a good book recommendation more than (ALMOST) anything else in the world, I will tell you a bit about it, and hope that you have time to pick it up and read it.
It is written from 5-year old Jack's perspective. Jack's "Ma" was abducted from her college when she was 19 years old, and has been held captive in "Old Nick's" shed for the past several years. She has been hurt and raped repeatedly, and Jack is a product of one of the rapes. He is her entire world, and the love between the two is incredible. They live in Room (used as a proper noun--LOVE), and Jack described their lives. His mother has desperately tried to keep him safe and to protect him from Old Nick, and succeeds in unimaginable ways. The book starts to become captivating to the point of obsession when they start to discuss an escape plan.
The genius of this book is that it's convincingly told through the eyes of a child, and to him Room is not a scary place--it is his home and full of love.
So...you should seriously read it immediately (if not sooner). :)
Also, thank you to those of you that took the time to comment/call/text yesterday. It means a lot. I'm always surprised about who makes an effort to show that they care (which sounds like I'm trying to be mean...but I'm not, I'm just saying I really appreciate it).
I say this for several reasons...
1. I finished it in 1 day. Yes, I MAY have done nothing productive for the afternoon at school and read the entire time, but I felt like it was necessary to pull myself out of the funk I was in.
2. I dreamt about it all last night. Every time I woke up I was in Jack's mind (the protagonist).
3. I love books that I can climb around in. That make me feel like I am sitting next to the characters and having a great conversation where they are letting me glimpse their lives.
So, because I love a good book recommendation more than (ALMOST) anything else in the world, I will tell you a bit about it, and hope that you have time to pick it up and read it.
It is written from 5-year old Jack's perspective. Jack's "Ma" was abducted from her college when she was 19 years old, and has been held captive in "Old Nick's" shed for the past several years. She has been hurt and raped repeatedly, and Jack is a product of one of the rapes. He is her entire world, and the love between the two is incredible. They live in Room (used as a proper noun--LOVE), and Jack described their lives. His mother has desperately tried to keep him safe and to protect him from Old Nick, and succeeds in unimaginable ways. The book starts to become captivating to the point of obsession when they start to discuss an escape plan.
The genius of this book is that it's convincingly told through the eyes of a child, and to him Room is not a scary place--it is his home and full of love.
So...you should seriously read it immediately (if not sooner). :)
Also, thank you to those of you that took the time to comment/call/text yesterday. It means a lot. I'm always surprised about who makes an effort to show that they care (which sounds like I'm trying to be mean...but I'm not, I'm just saying I really appreciate it).
Thursday, March 8, 2012
You shouldn't even read this.
I have seen my son for a combined two hours in the last two days. I have gotten home from work after 9:00 for the last two days.
Two days.
It was a bad two days, lots of days aren't like that.
It just hurts me.
I am so tired. I am tired of BEING tired. I am tired of saying that I will do things that I don't/can't do. I am tired of COMPLAINING. I bet you are tired of that too.
I called Randy on the way home from dropping off the mini-bus at the bus barn last night, and he said "you just woke up Finn" and I just hung up. Sometimes I get sad that while I am Finn's mother, I am also lots of other things, and sometimes I just call to talk.
Good news...the last long night of the week was yesterday, hopefully the rest of the week will be somewhat smooth. One of my student's won Student Journalist of the Year for our state yesterday, it was pretty cool. She posted on facebook that she owed it all to...her old journalism teacher (not me). I don't know why, but it made me sad. She's right, of course, but it made me sad.
This is depressing. If you want to stop reading my blog, you have my permission. I don't even know if anyone other than Leah reads it anymore anyways.
Gah...I promise the next time I post it'll be a HAPPY post, full of pictures of Finn, and an overuse of smiley-face emoticons.
YOU HAVE MY WORD!
Two days.
It was a bad two days, lots of days aren't like that.
It just hurts me.
I am so tired. I am tired of BEING tired. I am tired of saying that I will do things that I don't/can't do. I am tired of COMPLAINING. I bet you are tired of that too.
I called Randy on the way home from dropping off the mini-bus at the bus barn last night, and he said "you just woke up Finn" and I just hung up. Sometimes I get sad that while I am Finn's mother, I am also lots of other things, and sometimes I just call to talk.
Good news...the last long night of the week was yesterday, hopefully the rest of the week will be somewhat smooth. One of my student's won Student Journalist of the Year for our state yesterday, it was pretty cool. She posted on facebook that she owed it all to...her old journalism teacher (not me). I don't know why, but it made me sad. She's right, of course, but it made me sad.
This is depressing. If you want to stop reading my blog, you have my permission. I don't even know if anyone other than Leah reads it anymore anyways.
Gah...I promise the next time I post it'll be a HAPPY post, full of pictures of Finn, and an overuse of smiley-face emoticons.
YOU HAVE MY WORD!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Today...
Was long...and is still happening at this moment. It's a Crier week. If there are any of you out there who do not know what this means...it's our school paper, that comes out pretty much every 3 weeks. It is a long process, and it sucks. And no one seems to understand it. Well, there are a few people that understand it, but--in a general sense--no one understands this. My kids work really hard to put out a professional paper, and I have to be here to supervise, and help, and troubleshoot, and (sometimes) edit. And sometimes, I feel like people think "It's just a high school paper." This makes me angry on a WHOLE LOT of levels, but I digress.
It's been a really hard week. It started out fine, but then on Tuesday Finn was supposed to have his well check-up for his 1 year appointment. This 1 year appointment has been the source of a LOT of stress for me. I'm trying to decide my feelings on vaccinations, and haven't really come to a conclusion. Surprise, surprise--we didn't have to worry about it. Because Finn had a 100.6 degree temperature, and he couldn't get shots. This was good (????) and bad. Good because I didn't have to think about shots, bad because well...Finn's sick, and snotty, and coughing up his lung, and has a fever, and WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO BECAUSE HOW AM I GOING TO TAKE MORE DAYS OFF OF WORK!???!!?!?!?
So yeah, that made it bad. And guess what? I had to go back to school after his doctor's appointment.
Then, Randy stayed home with him on Wednesday while I went to school. I was supposed to stay until 5, but apparently Finn wouldn't eat anything for Randy, so I had to come home at 5:30, which means that tonight will be AWFUL!
So, then today I had to stay home because he still had a fever this morning. So, here's what I have done today:
- Went to the bank
- Cleaned the entire house (not just straightened, but actually cleaned!)
- Did 4 loads of laundry
- Got gas
- Went out and got Finn soup
- Skyped with Ashley
- Put Finn down for a nap (this is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT for me...he never EVER naps for me)
And then I went to school, for going on 4 hours.
All this on 4-5 hours of sleep (coughing baby=wakeful mommy).
And I'm just so damn tired, and crabby, and PISSED OFF because I feel so alone in everything that I do. I don't understand why no one seems to "understand" me. I know this is all in my head, because clearly there are lots of people doing these exact same things...but I am just so tired. And angry. And lonely.
Gah. I am now way passed the acceptable whining limit for this blog, so I will sign off.
Sorry for bitching. Kind of.
It's been a really hard week. It started out fine, but then on Tuesday Finn was supposed to have his well check-up for his 1 year appointment. This 1 year appointment has been the source of a LOT of stress for me. I'm trying to decide my feelings on vaccinations, and haven't really come to a conclusion. Surprise, surprise--we didn't have to worry about it. Because Finn had a 100.6 degree temperature, and he couldn't get shots. This was good (????) and bad. Good because I didn't have to think about shots, bad because well...Finn's sick, and snotty, and coughing up his lung, and has a fever, and WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO BECAUSE HOW AM I GOING TO TAKE MORE DAYS OFF OF WORK!???!!?!?!?
So yeah, that made it bad. And guess what? I had to go back to school after his doctor's appointment.
Then, Randy stayed home with him on Wednesday while I went to school. I was supposed to stay until 5, but apparently Finn wouldn't eat anything for Randy, so I had to come home at 5:30, which means that tonight will be AWFUL!
So, then today I had to stay home because he still had a fever this morning. So, here's what I have done today:
- Went to the bank
- Cleaned the entire house (not just straightened, but actually cleaned!)
- Did 4 loads of laundry
- Got gas
- Went out and got Finn soup
- Skyped with Ashley
- Put Finn down for a nap (this is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT for me...he never EVER naps for me)
And then I went to school, for going on 4 hours.
All this on 4-5 hours of sleep (coughing baby=wakeful mommy).
And I'm just so damn tired, and crabby, and PISSED OFF because I feel so alone in everything that I do. I don't understand why no one seems to "understand" me. I know this is all in my head, because clearly there are lots of people doing these exact same things...but I am just so tired. And angry. And lonely.
Gah. I am now way passed the acceptable whining limit for this blog, so I will sign off.
Sorry for bitching. Kind of.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)