Excuse me while I gush

So, sometimes when I re-read my posts I think to myself, "Who the hell is that person? That lovey-dovey, can't-shut-up-about-how-great-everything-is person?" Well...I can't help it. I am in love with my little man. I can't help it. I am just so damn happy. My heart sometimes feels so full of love and awe and amazement at what I helped to create that I just can't help feeling so lucky, so happy, and so incredibly blessed. Yes, there are times that are hard (usually around 3 am) but sometimes even in those moments I am just so happy to be with him. That I am able to sit with my baby and bask in him, that I don't have to get up for "real" work in the morning and leave him with someone else, who is not his mommy (at least...not yet, but for now I am ignoring this fact and pretending that it does not exist). I am just so full of love...so, you'll have to excuse me while I gush. Because you would too if you got to look at this every day...

Or these gorgeous fingers...
Or these cute toes...

Or this little smile...

Or this big smile, that is slowing turning into a little laugh...which melts my heart...

Or beautiful moments like this...
Or this...

Or my family, which feels so complete and perfect...(except for my fat butt, which I am working on [down 4.3 pounds since my starting weight :)])
So, I'm sorry for gushing.

But really I'm not...and I'm going to keep doing it.

mlia

My crazy over-emotional self... :)

So, today I've had about 3000 mini-breakdowns where I've started crying, or at least tearing up. I will now tell you about each and every one.

First, this morning (I actually have this one quite often) while I was looking at my gorgeous child (he is gorgeous isn't he?), I started to cry because, quite honestly, I am in awe of him. Not only do I think he's fabulous...and beautiful...but he is also starting to have such a great, fun, sweet, and 40 more glowing adjectives, personality. He is so smiley and happy and although he does have some bad gas, that I just wish I could help him with, he is great. I honestly feel so blessed that he is mine. I always understood people when they said "you'll understand real love when you have children" and my reply was somewhat like this ::scoff:: "sure" But it's true. You think you know love when you marry the love of your life. You think you know love when you look at your gorgeous nieces and nephews, your sisters and brothers, your parents, your friends. But...you've heard it here (so it must be true) you don't know what real love is until you look into the eyes of the gorgeous child that you helped create. You cannot love your husband any more (or wife, I imagine) than when he holds his baby and you see the love in his eyes. It's truly amazing, and I am so grateful for it.
Second, this morning while I was getting ready for my dentist appoint (my dentist is so hot...seriously). I thought to myself...I'm going to have to do this every day and it's going to come so soon. I am going to have to leave this gorgeous child at home every day. I never thought I would want to stay home with my babies. I thought "I love my job, I love my students." But...it goes back that real love thing. I do love my job, but I REALLY love my baby. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about it, so I will push it out of my head...and I will pretend that it does not exist. I think that I will also try to grow my photography business so I don't have to go to work anymore. I think that that is the only way I will be able to stay at home with my babies...anybody have any work for me?

Third, when I left for the dentist appointment I started crying because I was leaving him. I've left him several times, and I cry pretty much every time. I'm still not over that stage yet. I don't know if I ever will be. C'mon don't you want me to be your photographer so I don't have to go back to work???? @Jenn--when you read this, we need to work at being better photographers! You want to?

Fourth, I was blog stalking today and I was pleasantly surprised that my favorite blog-writer is pregnant again. I like seriously broke down...I secretly want to be her best friend...really REALLY bad. She has had a few losses, and her story is heartbreaking and I am just so happy for her! I mean...apparently crying-happy for her.

Fifth, I was blog stalking some more and came across Sarah's blog (one of the people who I aspire to be like) and she posted about going to Disney world...and I started thinking about how awesome Disney World is and how I can't wait to bring Finn...and I started crying AGAIN!

I am so emotional it's ridiculous, but I don't care. I would rather be OVER emotional, than not emotional at all. It's just hard not to cry (mostly happy tears) because there is so much joy and beauty in my life right now...mostly in a little 10-12 lb package :)

FYI

I joined Weight Watchers today. I feel pretty good about it.

I got my profile all set up, set my goals, did everything to get it ready.

I am starting tomorrow.

I will let you know how this goes.

That is all.

Warning: This entire post is "TMI"

So, when you're exclusively breastfeeding, you're not supposed to get your period...for at least 6 months...sometimes longer.

UNLESS YOU ARE ME!

Now, let me back up...after you have a baby you bleed for up to 6 weeks, it's called Lochia--look it up if you want to. I don't need to regail you with the disgusting stuff. Anyways...I bled for about 4 weeks, then stopped, then (randomly) began to bleed again. I thought "How is this possible? I can't possibly have my period again...can I?" I called my OB's office, I called Lavawn (the awesome lactation consultant)...they said...no it's probably residual bleeding. I think...okay that makes more sense, even with the cramps, even with the bloating, even with the way that it TOTALLY felt like a period. I believed them.

Well, let me tell you something...yesterday I got that GD period again. BULLSHIT! Seriously, are you kidding me? Finn is exclusively breastfed, 8 weeks old and I get TWO periods in those 8 weeks? DAMN ME AND MY SUPER FERTILITY!!!!!

GRRRRRR....

My thoughts...

So, my sister told me a story a few days ago. Her friend has four young children and they were in Target and they were ALL in the process of melting down. She was breaking down, emotionally and an older woman came up to her and said, "The days are long, but the years are short."

This sentiment is what I've been thinking about the last few days. People always say to "Cherish the time because it'll be gone before you know it." And then others talk about how their children's childhoods went away so quickly and they wish that they would have enjoyed it more. I feel for these people, I really do. BUT, I don't think that I am doing that. Actually, I think I may be the opposite. I am so hypersensitive that each and every moment is special that sometimes I get irrationally sad that they are ending so quickly. Finn isn't a newborn anymore, he is officially an infant. That being said, I love where he is right now, he's so smiley and happy and fun and is really starting to look around at the world. It is awesome! BUT, he doesn't want to be held like a baby (hardly at all) anymore. How sad is that? He is less than two months old and when I hold him like a baby, unless it's time to eat or bedtime, he gets really mad. It makes me really sad.

I am so excited to see my little one grow up, but I am so sad that ALREADY it's moving too fast. So, even on a bad day...even on no sleep, I have never wished it all away. Last night, while I was singing to him--I started crying my face off because I was so sad that he never lets me hold him like a baby anymore.

Finn is really cranky today, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot eat tomatoes AT ALL or else he projectile vomits AND he is incredibly gassy and cranky. However, I will just make sure I am happy that he wants to be held and snuggled.

Stealing other people's work

Hi! So, I have a quick thing to write about, and then I'm going to steal other peoples work to put on this blog for today.

First, my friend Leah said to me "I never thought I'd be "That" parent...but I am." or something along those lines. I couldn't help but think about how true this statement is. I can't tell you how many things, ALREADY in Finn's short (almost) 7 weeks of life that I have done, that I never thought I would. It's crazy. I never thought I would lay with my little baby just to get him to fall asleep. I never thought I'd let him sleep in his swing for hours. I never thought that I would go for 2 days without a shower because I can't get anything done. I never thought I'd let people come to my house when it is (LITERALLY) the dirtiest it's ever been. I never thought I'd be insane about who I want to watch my child. I never thought that I'd think work was a break. I never thought...I never thought...I never thought. BUT, I've done all of these things. And it's okay.

This has also given me a new perspective about my parents. My dad once said to me "I love you so much, I don't think you'll ever understand how much until you have a child of your own." That love is so true and so pure that I cannot explain it. However, there are so many other emotions that come along with motherhood. Besides love, the greatest one for me is FEAR. I am so afraid that I am doing something wrong, or that Finn is in any sort of pain, discomfort,etc. There is anger--anger at Randy for getting so much sleep. Resentment for not being able to run to the store, that my body isn't back to normal, or anywhere near normal. Irrationality--about so many things, things that I couldn't write on this blog or even admit to anyone (except maybe Randy).

My aunt and grandpa came over today and my grandpa said "So, are things getting back to normal?" I thought for a moment and said "Yes, a NEW normal." And, I guess that is what I'm getting at--this is my new normal. Happiness, intense love...peppered with fear, anger, resentment and 100 other emotions. I never thought that was the parent I would be...but it's the parent I am, and maybe that's okay.


Okay...so that was longer than I thought it would be, so I'll just steal one thing from another blog (for today). It's a poem, and it's beautiful, and stunning, and will make you cry if you just had a baby...so be prepared.

I stole this from one of my favorite blogs...go here if you want to read it. http://sarahnoelsmusings.blogspot.com

Out of Infinity, by Andrew

Andrew is a poet and songwriter, and he runs a writing blog called Not Half Right. Thanks so much for guest posting, Andrew!


out of infinity i awoke,
predestined to live
a-lot-like-my-ancestors-did,
and stumbled upon the first forms of life
in my unbalanced
little
world.

my eyes, a-lot-younger-
then,
caught a glimpse
of what appeared to be love
in the shape of a tired, teary-eyed Woman,
and a tall, astonished Man.

They were scary, a-lot-bigger-than-me,
but so was everything else.
Whatever-Had-Awakened-Me from
my infinite slumber
had left me with
a severe disadvantage.

i knew nothing.
i was a-lot-smaller than everything.

i began to cry.

but the arms that held me
and the faces that stared down at me
felt so familiar.

Their breath
running at the same pace as my new breath.
They were just-as-scared
about the future.

i developed my first thought:
this Man and this Woman are treasures.
They were given to me,
by Whatever-Had-Awakened-Me,

to even the odds
to give me a better start
to show me with Their lives

what love is and forever-will-be.
my crying stopped.
and i fell into the deepest slumber

since infinity.

The Bath

So, yesterday evening I took a bath (it was awesome). I haven't taken a bath for 6 weeks and 2 days. One of the fallacies about pregnancy is that you can take hot baths--you can't, because you are not allowed to be in hot water, or else your baby will have 6 toes or something. So, when I went into "false" or prodermal labor they told me to "Take a sleeping pill and a warm bath." I was pretty excited about this, until I got into the tub.

I was gigantic, the water didn't cover my giant stomach and I was cold. So, when I thought to myself "Wow, it'll feel nice to take a bath" last night, I was right.

While I was in the bath I started thinking (in order to stop myself from falling asleep). It is incredibly how much my life has changed since the last time I was in the bathtub. I have a child, an awesome, gorgeous, wonderful, perfect child. I don't think that anyone is prepared for how much life will change when you have a baby. Things are so different. I honestly can't even put into words how different things are, but I'm going to try anyways.

1. The love that you feel for a child, especially a perfect angel-child like mine...is out-of-control. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much.

2. The amount of exhaustion you feel when you are breastfeeding is out-of-control. I didn't even know what tired was until this. The craziest/worst part is that there is no end in sight. I have no idea when I will get 8 hours of sleep again...seriously, no clue.

3. I am still giant, and it makes me sad.

4. I do not have time for anything. Seriously, my Aunt called me after Finn was born and it took me an entire month to call her back.

5. My to-do list flies out the window on a daily basis. When Finn cries, coos, smiles or just wants to be held I want to be there, so nothing else matters.

6. The kind of parent you THINK you are going to be...is not the parent you will be...at least not for the first 6 weeks. You will do absolutely anything to get enough sleep...whether that means to let your child sleep in a swing, or in your arms. Maybe it's just me.

7. Your relationship with your spouse will change dramatically. First it will get better in some ways. The love you feel for your husband will increase dramatically when he holds your child. It's beautiful. However, when you haven't slept well in...6 weeks, and he sleeps every single night, you start to hate his guts, and resent him a little bit too.

8. You will miss being able to run out to target...by yourself...to get something. You will miss having "normal" conversations. You will miss a lot of strange things...but even if you never got to do any of these things again...it would totally be worth it.

9. Even if you said "I'll never be like that..." you will totally think your child is a genius and everything they do is the most exciting thing on the planet. :)

I could go on and on and on, but I won't. Honestly, I am not complaining (well, I guess I am a little bit), because I know how lucky I am to have my little Finn. I love him absolutely and unconditionally...it is just strange to think about how much life has changed in a short 6 weeks.

When I am at work...

This is what I miss most. Seriously...why am I at work when that adorable little boy is smiling like this? Why can't I be independently wealthy? Accepting donations starting now...

...because I miss these too.

Published and back at work...

LoL-my breastfeeding story has been "published" on my lactation consultants blog (my story--a tamed down, profanity-free, version of my story, that is). Here's her blog...

http://www.lavawnsblissfulbabies.blogspot.com/

Also, I am officially back to work...sort of. By "sort of" I mean that I am back at night 2-3 nights a week. Yesterday was my first day back, and it was hard. My mom watched Finn so I didn't have to bring him to work with me, where he would be inundated with germs. I brought him there, had a mini-panic-attack while bringing him inside. Now, don't get me wrong, my mom is great with babies (adults and adolescents...not so much), but it's really hard to leave your baby for the first time. Here's the surprising part, it was okay once I had my little breakdown. It really was. I cried on the way to school, then I thanked God that the drive was only about 3 minutes, because I had to pull it together quickly. I cried again when I talked to Randy and heard Finn crying in the background while I was pumping (he was having a hard time taking a full bottle..he's only had a little bit in a bottle before). I pulled it together to go back to class. Then, my mom said that he was good, and he even smiled for her, which made me really happy. And then, a miracle happened...I told my mom that I cried when I left, and instead of making me feel bad, she said "It is always hard at first, but it si good for finn to be around others and it is good for you too. If you need help let me know."

I couldn't believe it. My mom and I have had our ups and downs (mostly downs). She means well, but she's mean...a lot.

Since Finn has arrived, she has really been supportive. Supportive of things that I would think she would be judgmental about. #1 breastfeeding. She told me that it was okay if I didn't want to do it anymore. It's nice to hear that. Now, I'm glad that I didn't quit, I really am. BUT...it was nice for someone to tell me "Hey--you're NOT a bad mother if you do quit" ya know? #2 going back to work-I already told you this story.

It gives me hope. Hope that things can change. Hope that people can change. Hope that maybe I won't be a jerk when I get older, or maybe I'll stop being a jerk sometimes now.

Not a failure...yet.

I am NOT a failure. Finn gained 8 ounces in the last 6 days :) I cried with happiness when we left the doctor.

My new question of the night is whether I should start "feeding on demand" at night. I've been trying to stick to the every 3 hours rule (he usually goes 4 hours at night), but sometimes at night he just seems more cranky and wants to eat. Should I feed him? I don't want to screw up the progress I've made with my boobs, but I also don't want Finn to be hungry.

Decisions, decisions.

Input would be appreciated.

Nervous

I don't have a lot of time right now...I'm about to feed little Finn and then we are all going to try to go to the grocery store. So, I am going to tell you things that are making me nervous at the moment.

Wonder of wonder...my boobs. I am still freaking out about whether Finn is eating enough. We have a weight check on Tuesday, so I will update you. It is so stressful, stressful enough that I really want to just pump and give him what I pump so I know how much he is getting. Geez :(

Going to work. I am going "back to work" this week. Now, back to work is kind of an overstatement because I am really just going back after school a few nights a week. But, I'm still nervous about it. I'm nervous about taking him with me for an hour and having him around all those nasty germy kids. I'm nervous about being away from him, I'm nervous that I'm actually going to have to do all of this next year, and I can't imagine how.

I'm nervous for my friend Chrisanne, who is now on bedrest. I just want her to be okay, and to feel like she has support from everyone.

I'm always nervous that Finn is okay, and that he is developing properly, and feels satisfied and loves and nurtured.

I'm nervous about my doctor's appointment that is coming up because I want everything to be okay.