LoL-my breastfeeding story has been "published" on my lactation consultants blog (my story--a tamed down, profanity-free, version of my story, that is). Here's her blog...
http://www.lavawnsblissfulbabies.blogspot.com/
Also, I am officially back to work...sort of. By "sort of" I mean that I am back at night 2-3 nights a week. Yesterday was my first day back, and it was hard. My mom watched Finn so I didn't have to bring him to work with me, where he would be inundated with germs. I brought him there, had a mini-panic-attack while bringing him inside. Now, don't get me wrong, my mom is great with babies (adults and adolescents...not so much), but it's really hard to leave your baby for the first time. Here's the surprising part, it was okay once I had my little breakdown. It really was. I cried on the way to school, then I thanked God that the drive was only about 3 minutes, because I had to pull it together quickly. I cried again when I talked to Randy and heard Finn crying in the background while I was pumping (he was having a hard time taking a full bottle..he's only had a little bit in a bottle before). I pulled it together to go back to class. Then, my mom said that he was good, and he even smiled for her, which made me really happy. And then, a miracle happened...I told my mom that I cried when I left, and instead of making me feel bad, she said "It is always hard at first, but it si good for finn to be around others and it is good for you too. If you need help let me know."
I couldn't believe it. My mom and I have had our ups and downs (mostly downs). She means well, but she's mean...a lot.
Since Finn has arrived, she has really been supportive. Supportive of things that I would think she would be judgmental about. #1 breastfeeding. She told me that it was okay if I didn't want to do it anymore. It's nice to hear that. Now, I'm glad that I didn't quit, I really am. BUT...it was nice for someone to tell me "Hey--you're NOT a bad mother if you do quit" ya know? #2 going back to work-I already told you this story.
It gives me hope. Hope that things can change. Hope that people can change. Hope that maybe I won't be a jerk when I get older, or maybe I'll stop being a jerk sometimes now.
I really liked your story--though it's a little weird to read censored Becky! Also, the woman who commented on your post made me feel a bit better. I feel so guilty and like I'm cheating by not being able to breast feed Kate. I really wish I could, but it's hard work to even use the hospital pump to get milk into that bottle. I HATE giving Kate formula, though, so I will stick to pumping as long as I can.
ReplyDeleteI'm also glad that you're open to a new relationship with your mom. It is so very hard to let go of what was in order to accept what is. If that makes sense. I'm struggling with it and suspect I am losing.
Lee-I agree. It's weird to write as censored-Becky too! LoL.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad her post made you feel better. Another thing about motherhood that I didn't anticipate is the intense guilt/fear about everything that you're doing. That's why it was so great when my mom said that thing about BFing; because it allowed me to release some of the guilt about not enjoying it at all.
P.S. You got 7 ounces in one pump? That's awesome. I just started pumping a full feeding this week because I'm back at school and the most I've gotten is a little over 3 ounces.