Changes...

So far, motherhood has come with quite a few surprises. The first, for me, is how much fun it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I have always known I wanted children. I thought about babies, dreamed about how cute he/she would be (*for the record--he's even better!). I never thought it would be terribly easy. I never thought that I would want to stay home and raise them. I never thought that I would enjoy it as much as I do, I never thought I'd fall so deeply in love with my child. It surprised me--how quickly it happened, how the feeling was different than anything I've ever experienced.

Other than this, the biggest surprise for me, is how much it has changed who I am, both internally and externally. Now, the external changes are pretty obvious. I wasn't one of those--I'll just eat the extra 300 calories people, I was like--I'll eat whatever I want and I don't care (*note to others--this is stupid). This is why I still have not returned to my pre-pregnancy weight, though I'm consistently working on it. There are a variety of other physical changes, that I won't mention because you don't care, and it's weird.

The internal changes are even more intense--I feel different than I was. I always admired mothers who were able to keep up with their other commitments--friendships, work, life in general. I thought "that's the kind of mom I want to be." Someone who doesn't have to change every part of herself in order to have a child. I don't feel like that's who I am. I feel like I am consumed by Finn--I don't want to do other things, I don't want to leave his side, I don't ever want to miss it, so I sometimes flake out on other things.

I was driving to work yesterday, after a particularly stressful day (not because of Finn--Finn is very rarely stressful--but because of other obstacles), and I thought to myself, "when am I going to feel like ME again?" And it struck me as odd, because I don't know if I'll ever feel like the old me again. I'm not some pod person--I haven't changed completely--I still swear like a sailor (I'm trying to stop), I'm still way too loud about my political views, my views on basically anything, I still very rarely dress up, or care what other people think--I'm still me, but I'm different too.

I say things that I would have never said before, that I thought were condescending...like "you'll understand when you have children" or "you can't understand the love a parent has for a child until you have children" stuff that I would have never said before. I think about quitting my job...my DREAM job...the job I've always wanted, to be a stay-at-home mom. I think about staying home, being a mommy, COOKING & BAKING (if you knew me pre-mommyhood--this is a huge change), creating fun, creating memories, creating traditions.

Sometimes, it's hard for me to accept I'll never be the 21 year old that goes out every weekend and gets crazy again. I'll never be super-skinny again. I'll never be carefree...ever again. It makes me a little sad.

BUT...then, I look above my computer screen. I have the most beautiful view...my house (cleaned after today...holla!) that we have worked so hard to make a home, my walls filled with memories, and my beautiful boy, peacefully sleeping (in his swing, of course). And I think...maybe the new Becky is even better.