First, just to get it out of the way...Weight check was + .4....mostly because I didn't track, didn't care, whatever. I have had a lot of moments this week of feeling like a total failure, so some things that should not have gone by the wayside, did. It wasn't all that great.
So, now that that is out of the way...
One of the things that I consistently say now that I've entered the wonderful world of motherhood is, "is something wrong?" For example,
"He isn't reaching out for things yet...is something wrong?"
"There's a blue-veiny spot on his belly...is something wrong?"
"He always, always, ALWAYS sounds mucousy...is something wrong?"
It's continuous, and never-ending. I am always thinking, wondering, is he okay...is there something I'm not seeing? Is he developing correctly? Am I doing this right? Am I holding him back? Am I being a bad mom?
See how quickly it switches from HIM to ME!?
I've discovered just how quickly the mom guilt turns on. I want him to be healthy, happy, safe and smart. I spend more time than I'd like to admit worrying about his well-being, and trying to make all of these things happen. When they aren't happening, I (and all the mothers I know) blame myself. What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing better? Why can't I do anything right?
I wish that, as a mother, I could spend more time thinking about the things I'm doing right...examples?
- I am not a crack-mom (score one for me!)
- I am reading to my child every day
- I am working on tummy time
- I am reading about what he should be doing, what kind of games he should be playing, smiling at him, talking to him, loving him more than I could have imagine 4 months ago...
Why can't I let the bad go, and know that I'm trying my best? Why can't I?
Until next time, I'll be trying to love my baby the best that I can...even if I'm not perfect.
I love your blog. It's like I have a favorite book that keeps adding new chapters. Like if Harry Potter had a book 8... I miss harry potter lol
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I was scared to fall asleep last night because I was worrying about Kate. She hasn't pooped since thursday and I had all these thoughts of-- "what if she has a bowel obstruction and I don't catch it and she ends up with a necrotic bowel because I'm an idiot and then she won't be able to eat like a normal person and she'll grow up and resent me for being said idiot" and [the much scarier thought] "she's been startling herself awake with this gasping noise. what if it's because she's not breathing and what if she doesn't wake herself up one time? God, I am so terrified of SIDS. Please, God, please let Kate grow up and be a happy healthy girl. I love her so much I'd break into a million pieces if anything happened to her."
I think my thoughts are pretty neurotic. I just want everything to be ok so badly that my mind spins in these awful little circle of what ifs. My logic is that if I've thought of everything than maybe I can catch whatever it is before it comes true. I just need to step out on faith.
As much as your journal is my favorite thing to read it is also bad for me. I look at all the great things you do for Finn-- like reading to him and about him and I feel like a huge failure. Kate and I aren't on any semblance of a schedule, I don't read to her, and I generally feel like our little world is chaotic. I want so badly for her to have a schedule, to have boundaries, and feel secure, yet I fail *every* day at providing that for her.
Anyway, I'm going to end now because I just realized this is a massive comment to your blog.