My stubborn little man...

Today has been a really weird day. We were supposed to go to our 3D ultrasound this morning, and we were both incredibly excited about it. Well, we got a phone call around 9:00 saying that the machine was down, which made us both really sad. This was following by a phone call saying "It's back up!" Which we were incredibly excited about.

We get there, and our little one is laying curled up in a ball, with his face facing into me, which does not make it easy to see his cute little face :( So, we had to reschedule for 3 weeks from now, which is very sad!

Now, this was a rough couple of moments, but I am going to post some new belly pictures, look at them with caution, my belly may be bigger than it originally appears.


We are really hopeful that we can see him next time, mostly because we have some Christmas presents that are riding on these pictures! :)

Next time--little one--we expect a bit of cooperation! :)

When is Christmas going to be here?

So, fall is beautiful and everything...but I'm really ready to move on. I am not a fan of Halloween, I never really have been. Randy and I have been together for almost 11 years, and we have dressed up...one time. It was okay, but it wasn't that great. I just so do not get into the whole "I want to look like a slut" thing, because I don't...ever. I just don't get the whole appeal. Candy--I get. But, let's be honest, I can eat candy anytime at all.

So, I am looking forward to the "Halloween" season to be over with...because then MAKE WAY FOR CHRISTMAS! There are so many things to look forward to this coming holiday season, with baby boy Hoyle being the #1 thing!

In support of my anti-Halloween, pro-Christmas idealogy (now, let's be clear--I'm not some crazy "I hate Halloween because it's the Devil's holiday" sort of person...I am just not a huge fan)...Randy and I are skipping it all together this year. We carved a pumpkin, and that was fun, but we are done now.

This weekend we will be celebrating the beginning of the Christmas season. :)

Switching gears...I can't wait for this weekend, I seriously CANNOT wait. Yesterday I was at school until 9:30, tonight I will be here...later than that. Tomorrow I hope to leave by 9:00 or so, but I am not so optomistic about that. But...when Thursday hits, I will walk out those doors at 2:47 (approximately...it might be like 3:00) and I will pretend like this place does not exist over Fall Break. I will not grade, I will not come here, or think about work at all. Here are my plans (because I just like to write them down, it makes me even more excited).
- Friday, lunch with friends, dinner with Jenn and a MASSAGE! I am so ever-loving excited about a massage I can't even handle it.
- Saturday (the MOST exciting day)--Randy and I have our 3-D ultrasound at 9:30 am :), then we will be celebrating the start of Christmas season by decorating our house all day, and hanging out together--I can't wait.
-Sunday, maybe go to church (haven't done that in a while), and then nothing too exciting planned.
- Monday and Tuesday are relaxing days of cleaning, buying photography supplies, and watching OPRAH (aka my fake best friend).

Love it. Can't wait. It's making today MUCH more tolerable.

Reasons I love Randy

I don't write about Randy's awesomeness nearly enough, so here's a short list of reasons why I love my husband at the moment.

- I was out of town for 1 night (2 days), and he missed me, a lot. He is still talking about how happy he is to have me home! :) He couldn't sleep while I was gone.

- He cleaned up the entire house, changed the sheets and did the laundry so that the house would be clean when I came home, this changed my entire weekend and made it MUCH less stressful.

- This morning, when we woke up (at 6:15...no that's not a type, it's what happens when you go to sleep at 8:00 pm), we sung to the baby for a while, he made up new words to the "Hush Little Baby" song...it was hilarious.

- He plays with Ella all the time, and gets me whatever I need...pretty much all the time.

- He goes with my to the Highland Kiddie store and talks about christening our baby boy for...well, hours.

- This morning, we had a long conversation about how we would go about killing each other, if we needed to. Both of us had long, elaborate plans drawn out in our heads--this did not offend either of us. (Randy's had to do with freezing my body, so those of you that love me--if I ever go missing, look in the freezer!)

- He makes me laugh...all the time.

So, I love him, and most of the time, I don't even want to throw him in the White River.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Another week, another VERY,VERY busy week. Yesterday at work was absolutely non-stop, trying to get things ready for state convention and nationals all at the same time is very stressful to me. Now, I know the seasoned pros can do this with very little stress, but--to me--it's a lot. Here was my day yesterday.

So, after a run to the hospital on Sunday night for Randy's mom (she is fine--no one worry!), in which Randy was incredibly upset about, which led to a late night on Sunday, I headed off to work Monday and worked, and worked, and worked, and then school was over. So, I went to Borders with my yearbook staff to look at design ideas. In the midst of all the insanity that was my day, Randy decided to stay home because he literally did not sleep at all on Sunday night (he's more emotional than one might think). Before I left I said to him, "please call the daycare provider--ask the questions we talked about, and tell her to keep us on the list for next year and solidify our spot." He said (wholeheartedly)..."Okay!" I got to school, e-mailed him a detailed list of what I wanted him to say/ask, and then called him and reminded him, to which he replied, "What are you talking about? I never said I would do that?" Which got us into a rather large fight. Now--he did end up calling, and getting everything straightened out, and we are fine and both still living, but it was stressful.

Then, I got home, the house was a mess, so I ate, went on a walk (making those a bigger priority nowadays) and cleaned up the house. I was absolutely exhausted, angry with Randy for not straightening up the house earlier, feeling very unloved and unsupported...

And then I got a text, from Jenn. It said "What are you doing next Friday evening? We have plans!"

Well, Jenn scheduled dinner and a pre-natal massage for me (and a "normal" massage for her) next Friday night. Are you kidding me? I legitimately felt happy for the first time the entire day! Next weekend is going to be the best weekend ever!

- Friday, OFF WORK--dinner and massages with the best friend EVER!
- Saturday, 3-D Ultrasound and Christmas decorating with Randy ALL DAY--don't judge, we know it's October 30th
- Sunday-more Christmas decorating :)
- Monday--OFF WORK
- Tuesday--OFF WORK! :) :) :) :)

This week needs to end already so next week can get here and I can anticipate the weekend :)

Jenn-you're awesome, and you are seriously the most thoughtful human being on the planet! thank you SOOOOOO much!

Confusion

So, yesterday, the teacher that has the classroom across from me had a rough day. Her daughter was sick and vomited at school, she had to leave school and go pick her up, then come back to school. She was telling me how she has been absent twice already this week, and she hadn't seen her sophomores at all, and her daughter didn't feel well this morning, but she sent her to school anyways.

Then she said something which was incredibly provocative to me, "Sometimes I just can't decide whether to be a good mom or a good teacher..." and I just couldn't breathe for a moment. Is it going to be possible to be both?

I feel like this a lot of the time already. I often say that I can choose to be ahead in life, or at school? I cannot have both at the same time. This is something that has just started this year. How do I change this? I do not want to have to choose between these two things, because, to me, there is no option. I will always want to be a good mom, more than I want to be a good teacher. But, can I be both? I want to be an effective teacher, a good teacher, and a good mom. How do I do both jobs?

I am hopeful that I am able to find a way to follow the path and find how to be a good mother and a good teacher, but I am also realistic, and I know that my baby will be much more important to me than anything or anyone else in the entire world.

I sometimes feel an immense amount of guilt (when I say sometimes--what I mean is every morning) when I leave Ella in the bedroom in the morning. I always say "Love you munch! Mommy is so sorry that she has to go to work, she will be able to hang out with you in ____ days." How much worse will this feel when I have to leave my Ella at home, and then drive my son to daycare?

I hope I can handle it.

I am so full of emotions these days, I mostly just hope I can handle getting through the next 10 minutes, LoL.

P.S. So happy it's Friday--weekend is jam-packed full of fun stuff. I hope everything goes well! :)

Life is...overwhelming at the moment

I have no words to describe my life at the moment other than...overwhelming. My life is so crazy right now, I can't even believe that I have the time to do this, and honestly, I really don't. I should be making a PowerPoint presentation to teach financial backers and Regulatory agencies in the media (sounds like fun, doesn't it?), but instead I am here...blogging away, because I need to feel like I have somewhere to vent, and someone to vent TO.

My life is full of both frustrations and wonderful things. And it's the juxtaposition of these two things that make it a bit difficult.

Frustration #1: Sleeping has become incredibly uncomfortable. I wake up 2-3 times a night, every night to go to the bathroom. I also cannot sleep on my back (at all) anymore, which is really hard for me, which means that I wake up with pains in my neck, back and hips from sleeping on my sides. This is made exponentially harder because all I can think about is getting a massage, but I don't know how that would even work with my gigantic stomach. AND--Randy is very inconsistent about giving me massages, he always has good intentions, but I go to sleep earlier than he does, so it rarely pans out.

Frustration #2: I have already talked about this, so I won't elaborate too much, but school is rough lately--I feel like I don't have a whole lot of experience, time, or good ideas at the moment. I am truly in survival mode, and I'm just trying to get through it. I have two big field trips coming up within the next month--state is next week (in Franklin, Indiana) and Nationals are in mid-November, and I honestly just can't wait until they are OVER! Booking flights, buses, getting permission slips, etc. IS EXHAUSTING! However, I have recently found that my department is exceptionally supportive, and they have helped me feel less alone, which is something that I didn't expect.

Frustration #3: I have been feeling ignored by my friends, and this may be partially my own fault, because I am just so busy, but I just feel like no one cares at the moment. This is whiny, and bitchy, but it's true. I feel very unsupported at the moment! :(

Frustration #4: Heartburn...it isn't fun and it's making me feel terrible.

Now, there are so many wonderful things at the same time

Wonderful thing #1: My baby boy :) He is moving around like crazy, and sometimes it makes me so incredibly happy that I want to cry. I feel so grateful that he is in there, and he is doing okay. I just can't wait to meet him.

Wonderful thing #2: Randy is home so much more often, and he has some actual time to hang out. This makes me so much more calm, it's great.

Wonderful thing #3: Our house is so close to being finished, I mean it's incredibly close. Randy needs to put up a mirror, paint doors and trim and Randy's dad needs to finish a bit of electrical work, and the entire upstairs is done. It's so wonderful.

I don't even know how to handle this amount of stress, but I feel like maybe just going to sleep now will make me feel better NOW, but worse in the long run. Just trying my best to get ahead. I am just living week to week right now, and maybe that is how this year will have to be, and I'll have to accept it. I can't do everything perfectly, I really can't. Maybe that's okay, but I still want to do my best, and I am trying.

Seriously feeling like a failure...

Today was a rough day at work. I feel like I simply cannot get ahead in life. I cannot stay ahead of the game, and staying "ahead" is something that I have always been relatively good at. I am not usually a person who is behind in grading, planning, or really anything. I work pretty hard, but I feel like this new job is so over my head.

Today I got to school and within 15 minutes had already been reprimanded twice...
Once, because I didn't turn in the appropriate paperwork for a field trip and second, because I hadn't updated my gradebook for photography in over a week (you are supposed to input new grades at least once a week).

I don't know what it is, but I really feel unprepared for what this job has brought me. Now, don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for it, and most days I really do love it, but today was a bad day. I just feel like I will never figure out how to keep my head above water, I will never do a good job and I am not really preparing these students for life--especially in journalism. I love teaching photography, and honestly, Nancy trained the newspaper and yearbook kids so well, I don't do a whole lot in there either, but journalism. I just feel like a constant and consistent failure, and I really try hard, but I feel like I don't know what I am doing, and it's so frustrating and I hate it. I want so much to be an effective teacher. I really just want to succeed.

Blah day...

Today was supposed to be a wonderful day. We were supposed to go to the pumpkin patch today...with my entire family. That means...Mom, Dad, Renee, John, Ava, Grant, Ryan, Sarah, Addison, Randy, Ashley and me. This particular pumpkin patch is absolutely beautiful, it has a petting zoo, a hayride, lots of things to do, and is across the street from my favorite church in the entire world. Well, this morning Randy and I woke up...we were both excited about going and showered and got dressed. We then went off to Home Depot, and I called my dad...bad news #1

1. Ava had been up all night at Grandma and Papa's house vomiting. Which means, Ava didn't sleep all night, Grant didn't go to sleep until midnight, and Grandma and Papa haven't slept either. Papa then claims that--Ava is feeling better, so he thinks we are still going.

Bad news #2. It's going to be 86 degrees today...WHAT THE HELL? It's October. I HATE it when it's 86 degrees in August, let alone in mid-October.

Bad news #3. Renee calls and says, Ava and Grant are not going to be going to the pumpkin patch, it's a recipe for disaster.

Bad news #4. Ryan and Sarah and Addison have colds, they are not going either. Hmm...that leaves...Mom, Dad, Randy, Becky and Ashley...and no children at all, except for the little man in my uterus, who isn't likely to be too involved.

So...no pumpkin patch at all! :( That made me very sad. To make matters worse, then I started to not feel very well. I actually thought I was going to pass out again in Menards, and Randy was being a brat for most of the morning (he was disappointed too).

So, that was our morning. We tried our best to make the best of it--we went to Panera for lunch, and then we went and saw The Social Network together, and then spent some quality snuggle-time with the Ella Bella, which is always absolutely wonderful. We were also able to pick out counter-tops for the bathroom and Randy was able to get those counter-tops cut and placed in the bathroom! We are so tantalizingly close to being done with the house, it's truly becoming beautiful!

There are a lot of great things going on right now too...though this blog is very depressing. First, Randy has been feeling the baby move more and more lately. Today at the movies he felt 3 different kicks. I hope he thinks it is as fabulous as I do. Secondly, I turned in my letter for maternity leave last week, which is also wonderful. It gives me a light at the end of the tunnel. I put a start date of January 24th through the end of the year. I truly hope that it works out for me to make it that far, I hope I don't get placed on bedrest or anything like that. Also, Randy and I met with a pediatrician who we liked a lot, and we think we have our daycare provider picked out too! Also, this Tuesday I will officially be 24 weeks, or SIX MONTHS :) Almost done with the second trimester. All good things.

Tomorrow is Monday, which makes me exceptionally sad, but another week of school, means another week closer to my little guy! :)

Pediatrician appointment & Daycare...handled?

I am really feeling "ahead of the times." Last week, one of the teachers at school recommended another teacher's wife who does daycare in their home. A teacher that I had, Randy knows these people's son and several teachers have brought their children to this woman. Bonus--she only charges $20/day. So, we are on her list--we won't meet with her or officially decide until 2011, but it's nice to know that we are down on a list for daycare next year :) I am WAY WAY WAY ahead of the game.

Also, we are meeting with the first (and I still hope the last, if we really like him I hope we don't have to go to any other doctors) of the top three pediatricians that we liked today. I'll be pretty happy when this is all decided.

Just some more things to cross off the list.

Don't you worry-I have a typed list of questions for each provider ready to go. I'm also taking suggestions for anyone else.

AND IT IS FRIDAY!

Belly Update

Ella is very excited about her brother :)

Seriously...ridiculous. Becky (and baby)at 23 weeks

Productive day in baby-land :)

So today, I got a LOT of things done for this little guy :)
- I scheduled a breastfeeding class. Now, if you haven't heard, apparently breastfeeding, which is supposed to be natural, can be quite tricky. I am hoping that this is not the case for me, but I am goign to a class on October 28th to figure it out! :)
- I scheduled Randy and I's pre-natal classes through our hospital. Also, natural childbirth is something that you have to learn about. I'm glad that this is happening though,because it gives us an excuse to look around the hospital and pre-register and all that good stuff!
- I scheduled our first "meet and greet" with one of the three doctors that we have narrowed it down to on Friday. I am going to meet with him on Friday, and I am hopeful that Randy can come too!
- I called the person that I hope will work out to be our day-care provider next year! :) She is calling me in a day or so to verify that she will have an opening, and then we can talk to her more about things.

I also FINALLY got an e-mail from my HR department about some of my questions regarding maternity leave. GOODNESS, that's a lot of stuff in one day! :)

Leaky boobs and late nights...

Yeah, I bet you can't beat that title, I'm just saying.

This week, I have been at work over 64 hours. That's just this week. I got into an "arguement" over facebook with some idiot over the summer who said, "I wish I had a part-time job, like a teacher or something." I really wanted to punch him in the face, he then went on to defend himself and talk about how teachers work about 30 hours a week, here's the kicker--he's married to a teacher. How much would I kick Randy's butt if he said I had a "part-time" job to all of facebook. P.S.--your wife is a CRAPPY teacher if she only works 30 hours a week, since my school day schedule is 40 hours a week. Idiot. So, anyways, I digress, working 64 hours a week is really difficult to do, especially when you're more tired than normal anyways. However, all the nights went relatively smoothly, except for last night. We were here until 11:00...no that's not a typo...I walked in my door after 11:00. Most of you know that during this pregnancy I tend to sleep...a lot. It's one of my favorite things to do, sleeping and then eating. So, that is an entire 2 hours after my normal "bed time," which makes me not a happy camper this morning. However, I think that we have published another successful paper--which is awesome.

Dilemma #2--I have officially started "leaking" every once and a while. Now, my baby book assures me that this is just colostrum (unsure of the spelling) and it is preparing me for the joys of breastfeeding. LoL. BUT, it is WEIRD. Twice at night there have been little stains on my shirt, which (of course) Randy has found and had a great time making fun of me! :) it's all part of the fun.

I am so happy that it's Friday. I am so happy that I am getting my hair done tonight (not happy about having to sit in the chair for 2 hours, but happy it'll be done and not look like crap anymore), and SO SO excited to spend the day with Randy tomorrow. We are having a "date day," which is so lame. BUT, we haven't spent any real time together for months, and I'm excited for shopping, walking Ella, movie-watching and a nice dinner. :) I just have to get to 5:00 today...and I have faith that I can do it.