1 year ago.

One year ago...I was in labor. I was in the worst pain of my life, and I was wondering so many things...

Can I do this?
Is it worth it?
When will Finn be here?
What will he be like?
Will I be a good mother?
Will he love me?
Will I love him as much as I think I will?
Will Randy and I make a good team?
Can we do this?

It was one of the scariest times of my life. But it was so worth it.

Today Finn turned one. I am now the mother of a toddler. I cannot believe it. It is still so utterly surreal. There are STILL days when I look at him and think "I can't believe he is mine." But he is, and now he's not a baby anymore, he's a toddler, which is just ONE step before "child" and then "preteen" and then "teen" and then (GULP) "adult."

I don't want to be the type of mother that laments that her baby is growing up too fast, because I know that with each new day, comes new adventures and new great things. But...I also miss some things about baby-hood...and it's hard to believe that I have to let go of his "babyhood" so quickly.

He will always be MY baby, but he's such a big boy, and I'm so proud of him.

Yeah....I shouldn't even be writing here.

I should be too embarassed to even be writing here.

It was not the best weekend, eating wise.

We went out to eat on Friday night with the Hoyles for my birthday. I ate whatever I wanted. It was not good.

If it had ended there it would have been okay. But it didn't.

Randy and I had a "date day" on saturday, and we went to BW3s. It was a massacre.

Sunday was much better, and I feel rededicated today. It's just hard. It's so hard that I can't seem to keep myself committed. Afterwards, I feel like it wasn't worth it, but it doesn't stop me from doing it. I don't think Randy and I can handle "cheat days" yet.

We will see.

I am up from my 15.1 pound loss. I weighed myself today, and I am up 2.3 pounds. This is sad, and hopefully will stop me from being a crazy fool this week, because I'm so happy that I'm making things happen.

Hopefully the next post will greet you with happier news.

Happy birthday to me.

Today is my birthday.

I am 29 years old.

I don't know that I will ever be used to saying that. But it's okay. I am 29 (cringe...a little bit).

First, I'm happy to report that I am down 15.1 pounds as of this morning. I Think that things may change SLIGHTLY after this week, but I am down 15.1 pounds. We are going to go to my parents for dinner tonight, and we are going out to dinner on Friday. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to deal with that yet. I know my mom is making lasagna, and I will let myself have a small piece, but only one, and I am eating perfectly during the day, so we will see how it goes. I am trying not to beat myself up completely about it. As long as I get back on track, I can have a few things for my birthday. I really think that Randy and I have changed how we eat so much that we are making a permanent change. I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE!

I am only 5 pounds away from pre-baby weight--whoa. It's slightly depressing to see how fast weight comes off when you try, but awesome at the same time.

Anyways, so far my birthday has been pretty good. Randy and Finn gave me my gifts this morning, and they got me a 1 hour massage (AWESOME) and a gift certificate to get my nails done. It's nice because it means that I get some alone time too :) And I think that Chrisanne will come with me to the mani/pedi, which is EVEN better!

Then, at school everyone has been very nice, and my students even brought in (what they considered) healthy snacks for me. So sweet. AND Chrisanne and Tenley even brought me lunch. I feel so loved. :)

Anyways...

My sister and I like to do this thing after every family event--we call it "the post-game wrap up." Before she left for Europe, we did it each and every time our family got together. We would talk about anything and everything that happened, what annoyed us and what we thought was funny. It's really fun. Randy even does it with me now (I'm getting somewhere, I promise)...

I'm going to do a quick post-game wrap up on this year.

28 was a good year. Maybe the best year ever, and--sometimes--the worst year ever. Ya know, kind of in a "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" way.

The best of the best:
- Finn. Seriously, not a moment was bad. Well, maybe the sleeping. Other than that, not a moment was bad. He makes me so incredibly happy, and I am so proud of him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I cannot imagine loving him more, but I do...every single day.
- Randy and I celebrated three years together.
- My students are amazing.
- I feel like I have made big strides in both photography and in my personal life this year. I am happy that I am really working to lose weight and feel better about myself :)

The worst of the worst
- Mommy guilt has killed me this year-and school has been incredibly difficult in certain respects.
- I have failed in any sort of organization or time management this year, certain things have fallen apart.


I think that I am a stronger person, and the bad things this year have allowed me to figure out what life is all about.

Momentum

Well, this weekend was rough. Randy and I had talked about doing a "splurge day" once a month. We decided since we both had to take Friday off anyways (and leave Finn with the sitter) while we met with doctors and bankers, that we would also go out for a lovely lunch. We thought we would celebrate my birthday.

Well, we didn't anticipate a giant snowstorm. However, we still wanted to go somewhere, so we ended up at El Salto. Our not-so-favorite, but good enough Mexican restaurant. We ordered guacamole, chips and I got quesadillas (didn't finish them all).

It was...anti-climactic. You know how you think about something for so long, and when it finally comes it's a huge disappointment. That's how it felt.

By the way, I had cake too. Like, a giant piece of cake.

I felt awful afterwards. I felt like it just wasn't worth it.

I'm really struggling with how to maintain a healthy diet, while making it "livable" too. It's hard.

Then, I went over to the lovely Betty's house to work on some of Finn's birthday stuff. We went to Sam's club. I got lots of stuff for Finn's party. I also got a giant bag of Pirate's Booty (if you haven't eaten this--stop what you are doing, go to the store and get some, it's awesome). I don't know why I did it, but I did.

I also opened that g.d. bag of Pirate's Booty and I scarfed some of it on the way home. It was stupid, and I threw out the rest of the bag as soon as I could, but still.

I just feel like I've lost a bit of momentum.

Now, let me clarify. Through this entire weekend, I only gained .1 pound. So, instead of being down 13.4 lbs, which is what i was down on Friday, I am down 13.3 pounds, but I just feel like it's harder, and I hate that.

Plus, it's my birthday week, and we are going out to dinner once, and to my parents once. So it's going to be hard anyways.

I don't know. I just want to succeed.

Tubes and Rings and other Things...

Yeah...today's been shit. Just sayin'

Let's start with the good! I've been wearing my wedding and engagement bands for the last week. Why? You may ask. Because they finally fit again. That's right, I have been walking around sans my beautiful engagement ring for almost a year because my fatass hasn't been able to fit into it. Sad, but true.

But anyways, it fits, it fits, it fits. You know what else I am wearing RIGHT at this very minute. A legitimate pair of PRE-pregnancy jeans. Seriously. Let's not get into how they are my "fat pants" from pre-pregnancy, but still PRE-PREGNANCY here people.

Anyways, so back to the bad news. Finn has ANOTHER ear infection. Haven't you heard that babies who breastfeed get fewer ear infections? Well, not my child. My child has had FIVE ear infections since September. Apparently, lucky number FIVE means TUBES.

My precious angel baby has to has a surgery. I don't care how minor it is, it's still surgery to me.

I am still processing this information so I don't have a whole lot to say about it.

We will see what tomorrow brings.

For Finn #2

Okay, so last time I talked about Finn's amazing male role models. Now, we will talk about female ones...in #7 & #8






7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).

8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.


So both of these are incredible. The first one is so important to me. I remember Randy once saying to me, during one of the times that we were broken up, "I just wish I could find someone to carry on a conversation with." This is definitely in part to being surrounded by intelligent women his entire life. Randy is not intimidated by intelligent women, but rather relishes in being around both intelligent men and women.


I hope that I can teach my son the same lessons, I hope that I can show him that beauty is fine, and princesses are all well and good. But women are more than just something to look at, they are smart, and they have feelings, and they deserve to be respected the same way that men do. I get so tired of what girls and boys are "supposed" to do, which is why my son has a pink hairbrush (they were out of blue and WHO THE HELL CARES?), and why he will have a doll, and learn to love, and cry and FEEL. And if, when he is grown up, wants to throw all that out the window and be a "manly man" who never cries--I'll love him all the same. If he doesn't, it's all the same to me.

Just as I want Finn to know that he doesn't have to fit into some insane society-driven "man" box, I want him to know that women don't have to fit into some insane "woman" box. They are not all the same, and they are strong and capable of anything and everything. He doesn't have to look up to only men, he can look up to strong, dignified, capable women throughout his life.


I just know I don't ever want my son to think that disrespect for anyone is okay, but specifically women. I want him to know how important HE is, but also how important OTHERS are.

As far as #8 goes, I hope that Finn will look at me as a strong woman, who is intelligent. I don't know about the beauty part, but I hope he will, one day, look at me as a woman with strength, dignity and integrity. I'll have to keep working on myself more and more though, because there are days that I struggle with each and every one of those items.

The down and dirty truth

This weekend was...well, a "normal" weekend, in that it was insanely, stupidly busy. On Saturday, I had to go to Day #2 of ACT training.. It was from 9-5, exhausting, and draining. Sunday was my niece's 8th birthday party. Both were about an hour away.

Both led to some difficult choices with eating. On Saturday, we were out of turkey lunch meat, so I had to get a sandwich at Potbelly (the home of the wonderful, amazing, AWESOME chocolate chip oatmeal cookies), and then we went out to dinner with my parents for our anniversary. Then on Sunday we had to go out to dinner again with my entire family. It was rough.

And here's the honest truth, I did well, but I didn't do perfectly.

Saturday lunch: skinny turkey on wheat with lettuce and tomatoes & a pickle. This is pretty close to what my normal lunch would have been, and I was proud of myself. No cookie, no chips.

Saturday dinner: Applebees; I ordered off the *under 550 menu* and I got steak with onions. I did really well again. My parents ordered spinach artichoke dip, and I had NONE, I also got potatoes with my meal and ate ZERO of them.

Sunday dinner: Pizza and wings. You heard that right. We went to a pizza and wings restaurant, and that is what they ordered. My sister and her husband were paying for it, so it's not like we could have said "sure we will take this $12 salad, while the rest of you eat pizza and wings." So, we were careful. I ate 2 squares of pizza, and had water. It was hard, and it made me want to eat 1000 more pieces, but I didn't.

All in all, when I weighed myself this morning, I was up .3 pounds. That's a POINT 3, which I am pretty proud of. Under normal circumstances, I would have ate my face off and then "started again"on Monday. I'm pretty proud of that.

Today has ALREADY been full of challenges.

Literally FIRST THING THIS MORNING I was offered a "crownie" which is the BEST cookie on the planet, one of my students makes them and they are sincerely PHENOMENAL! Then, it's another one of my student's birthday, and someone made red velvet cupcakes (again--these cupcakes are amazing). But I won't do it.

I really am serious this time. I hope it sticks.

Surprise...?

This morning I woke up (or was WOKEN up) around 5:30am, after I fed Finn, and then fed Ella, I stumbled into the bathroom and stepped on the scale.

SURPRISE! I am officially down 10 pounds.

TEN POUNDS?

That means I am only 10 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Only 20 (ish) pounds away from my ultimate goal. And it has only been 2 weeks, actually a bit less than two weeks.

WHOA!

I'm pretty excited, but also not all that surprised, because I haven't cheated...not once, which is a huge surprise, because I always cheat on diets.

I don't know that I would say it's getting easier, but it's getting better.

Randy and I have talked about how to make this diet "do-able" for us, and have thrown around doing one "splurge-day" a month. That's 12 days a year of eating whatever we want. I don't know that we have made a decision about this, but I know that my "splurge day" for this month will be my birthday if we decide.

I just wanted to share with...the 2 of you that read this. I'm fairly pleased with myself :)

The most horrible time of the day

I hope you sung the title to the tune of "The most wonderful time of the year" because that's what I was going for.

So, I'm going to tell you about my least favorite time of the day. It is...the morning. Whoever invented mornings should be shot in the throat. There are a lot of reasons why I hate the mornings...

First, because my morning almost always begins before my alarm goes off. I honestly don't even know why I set it because at that point (which is 6:15), I have usually been up for over an hour. Finn is apparently an early-riser, apparently. And a late-to-bedder, and a I-need-to-wake-up-30,000-times-a-GD-night-er as well.

On top of this ridiculousness, he's crabby too. So I get up, feed him, and then we start to get ready. While I get him ready, he picks up books and brings them to me, because he wants to be read to. He doesn't have the best aim, so I usually get a book in the face at least once a morning. He is happy-as-a-clam when this happens.

However, when he is done getting ready, and I try to get ready. Well, Finn is NOT a fan of me putting him down, so he claws at my pant leg, usually pulling my pants down, and screams at the top of his lungs. Seriously Finn, W.T.F?

Then, I wrestle him into his car seat, and drive him to Laura's house, which is usually uneventful. When I get there, I get the added bonus of feeling like a failure for dropping him off and not being with him.

THEN, I get to drive to school (usually WAY later than anticipated, but sometimes the early waking works out and I get there early).

I walk in, sit down, and CHECK FACEBOOK on my phone. Then, I get to see all the other mommy statuses about how wonderfully their child slept. Their child who is younger than mine, and a great sleeper. The mommies that are better than me. The ones who can make their babies fall asleep.

IT SUCKS. I'm glad their kids sleep, seriously. But it's one of those things, that I see, and it hurts because I haven't had a full nights sleep in months. And if I've gotten close, it's for one night, once in a blue moon. I am so tired of feeling like a zombie, and then a failure, and then a zombie again because Finn WILL NOT SLEEP.

I want to join those mommies. The mommies-whose-babies-sleep society. It's like a sorority that I so desperately want to join. Gah.

And, I know people always say to me, "Well, gifted children tend to need less sleep." and I appreciate the thought of that statement, but at this moment I would pretty much give my right arm to have a straight 8 hours of sleep.

C'mon Finn, give a mom a break. It's been (almost) a year.

My Finn (2 posts today!)

**See, I told you it was a two-post kind of day :)

So, I'm sure you know how smitten I am with my angel-boy, but I've recently read something that has made me think about him in a different way.

Maybe you have seen the "50 rules for Dads and Daughters" post flying around--it's beautiful. And I love each and every rule. I have a very special relationship with my dad, so I loved it.

But, recently, another blogger posted a post 25 rules for Mothers and Sons and it touched my heart. A lot. Like sobbed my face off touched my heart. So, I decided that I was going to take one of these rules and talk about it, hopefully each Friday.

I'm not going to go in order, I am going to go with "whatever I think is beautiful today."

So here's todays: taken from http://studerteam.blogspot.com/ Visit her!

#6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).

This is something that Randy and I have talked about and thought about so much since finding out our little man was a little man. I want my son to have strong role models, but I also want him to know that the term "strong" is relative. Strong does not just mean big muscles and a football player. If that is who Finn grows up to be, that's great. BUT if he doesn't, if he is delicate, and artistic, or musical, or small. We will love him just as much, and be so proud of whatever he chooses to accomplish.

I also want to teach Finn that being smart is cool. There seems to be this strange push for the "dumb jock" and how these are the "cool kids." I hope that Finn will learn that there are strong men who are smart, and usually the strongest men are the smartest ones.

We names Finn after two incredibly strong characters from literature. Huckleberry Finn and Atticus Finch (Harper Lee wrote the book). These people are people who were not necessarily "strong" in the physical sense of the word, but some of the strongest, most poignant characters I have ever read about. People who rose up against their adversaries, who were strong despite their circumstances; people who stood up for people who couldn't stand up for themselves (which takes a strength of character that is so much harder to develop than mere muscles).

Finn--to you. My angel, I can't believe you are already almost one year old, and I can't tell you how proud I am of you already. I hope I can teach you that manliness comes in so many different types, and none is better than any other. I know that we will teach you this, because your Daddy...he is very manly. Manly in the best ways: he cares for his family, loves with his whole heart, is smart, and (most of the time) patient, and loving. These are the qualities that make you a real man. Real men can play chess, or draw pictures, or play music, or dominate in sports, or be amazing daddies, or do all of these things. I hope we can teach you that you don't have to adhere to the societal "norms" of manhood, but rather that you learn to be fully yourself, because that is all we have ever wanted for you. We love you so much.

Check In.

Okay, so Randy and I have been fit2fat-ing for 5 days. And, as much as I tell myself I will, I will NOT blog tomorrow because I am STUPID and I will be at a training session all day.
Why? You ask. BECAUSE I SIMPLY DON'T DO ENOUGH! So I am getting trained to teach an ACT class as well.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Like, when will you ever learn that you are stressed out ENOUGH, stupid.

Anyways, this week has been a rough week for many reasons, but first and foremost is because I am eating healthy (like REALLY healthy) for the first time in years. Like I haven't had any sweets all week. ALL WEEK. It's agony, and torture. I think this should be like waterboarding.

Okay...slight exagerration. Maybe...maybe not to me.

But here's the good news. As of this morning I am down 6.8 pounds. Randy is down almost 10. We are still totally committed. Seriously.

I am kind of proud of us, because I feel like we are actually going to do something.

Also, I'm getting a tattoo...soon, it's for Finn. I am having the hardest time figuring out WHERE to get the tattoo...if you have any suggestions I'd appreciate it!

Thoughts:- Arch of my foot, this is where I originally was going to get it...for sure, but it's a quote, and when I talked to the tattoo artist, he informed me that "I will do it there for you, but it won't last, and in 10 years you won't be able to read it." Now, they said my other tattoos on my foot wouldn't last either, and they have, but they aren't in a script font either. Do it? Or what?

- Shoulder, this one is a tough one too. I don't want to worry about looking "trashy" because I can't wear a strapless dress...thoughts?

- Back (not like lower back area, but on the side of my back)

- Rib cage.
- Under my arm.

Now, when you are looking at these pictures, I'd like you to remember that I do NOT look like them, and I never will. Even if I (when I?) make it to my goal weight. It's not my goal to be super thin.
Thoughts would be appreciated.

And also this is a two-post kind of day. Just so you know.